Q: My 13-year-old stepson primarily lives with his mother out of state and my husband and I have him summers and school breaks. One of his issues is lying. My husband and I work hard to curb him of this but it seems to be getting worse with his mother. He has a little brother with his mom’s household who requires a lot of attention so my stepson sometimes flies under the radar and probably gets away with a lot of his lies there, but is in big trouble when caught. I am concerned we aren’t doing the right things to curb this behavior and my husband thinks that all kids lie to keep from getting in trouble so doesn’t think it’s a big deal. I disagree. I was not a kid who lied. Nor were my friends. I think this is a potentially HUGE problem but am at a loss for dealing with it effectively. Any guidance would be appreciated!
A: Thank you for writing in, as I know lying can feel like a smack in the face to many caretakers. When children are young, lying or telling half-truths feels more like the outcome of an imaginative mind. Yes, the young child may lie because they don’t want to get in trouble, but they aren’t mature enough to make a series of calculated decisions around lying like older children are. When a 13-year-old lies to us (and we know they’re lying), the deceit feels so in our faces and the refrain, “they know better” rings loud and clear. So, let’s understand lying a bit better in order to clarify what you can do.
Why would a 13-year-old lie?
- The truth would cause a separation between the teen and the caretaker. Humans do not like to feel apart from their attachments, and even the perception that the truth may divide could cause a teen to lie.
- They get punished or shamed when they tell the truth, thus leaving the teen with two bad options (punished for the truth, punished for the lie).
- They have lost their feelings of guilt and shame because they don’t feel safe in their emotions.
- They are filled with frustration and anger, and the lying is a sideways attempt to have some power in their lives.
- The truth or mistake or their own sensitivity leads to a lie to simply preserve the relationship, even if the relationship is suffering because of the lie.
I’m not fully blaming your stepson for lying. You shouldn’t ignore the lying, nor am I saying that he can’t do better. But if you stay mired in the lies, you will perpetually stay in a loop of frustration, lies, and reaction.
You have to begin with what you can do or not do. I see that the adults in this young man’s life are reacting in two different extremes: the […]
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