Empathy is really tough

One of the main strategies I teach parents is the powerful impact of empathy. Empathy is “the feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions: the ability to share someone else’s feelings.”

Parent to child, it sounds like, “Wow! I am seeing how angry you are…I get it!” or “I imagine it must be hard to not get what you want right now…I know this is frustrating” or “I am sorry your friend was so mean. He really hurt your feelings, huh?”

Sounds so easy. It can be difficult to do.

When our children are pushing our buttons, it can be very challenging to find a way to “share another person’s emotions.” We are completely consumed by our own anger, frustration, and disbelief.

When our babies were born we picked them up every single time they cried (despite our exhaustion). Every time you picked them up, you looked into your child’s eyes and connected. You coo’d, you made empathic sounds, you assured them, you sang, and you loved them.

It was empathy and compassion through and through.

But something happens, doesn’t it?

Somewhere between one and three years of age, the parental empathy train gets derailed and often never really gets back on track.

We begin to assume our child is manipulating us. That she “knows exactly what she is doing” and we begin to use our rational brain with our children’s emotional behavioral. “I have told you 100 times not to do that!” or “Why can’t you see what you are doing is wrong?”

And it is a mess.

Of course it is difficult to find our empathy…we are so. damn. mad.

And so when I suggest that the parents mirror back the emotions that they are hearing in their child, it sounds so phony.

It sounds insincere and forced.

Even though we all know that this is often the way to peace, cooperation, and true connection, the panicked part of our reptilian brain ain’t having it. (Read this and this for more info).

And I am here to tell you that there is no way but through.

There are not “Five Easy Ways” or “Three Simple Tricks” to becoming more empathic quickly. Like all muscles in the body, when you don’t use it, it loses strength.

The good news? The more you practice, the easier it gets. You begin to find your voice. Your empathy becomes more automatic and more authentic.

And the only way to practice is to find empathy and compassion for yourself. Forgiveness. Self-acceptance. Grace. The willingness to try again.

Make no mistake, these are deep waters…but you can do it. You have done it (your child was a baby once, right?).

xoxo

Meghan

PS – Lately, I have been dancing to this and drinking wine to this.

PPS – I love this article so much, I cannot even handle it. (Especially the Get A Life bit. ON. POINT.)