I just got diagnosed w breast cancer. Prognosis is good and I start chemo this week. How/ what do I tell my 3 year old?
First of all, I am sorry about the diagnosis. And I am glad to hear that your prognosis is good.
PHEW. I hope it continues that way and that chemo is kind to you.
You don’t need to tell her much about your cancer.
You need to:
1) make sure your physical and emotional needs are be taken care of. STAT. Childcare, YOU care, meals, everything…put this into place. Why?
2) The more relaxed and cared for you are, the more you can emotionally attend to your daughter. If you feel crappy from chemo and are tired, knowing that dinner is made will relax you enough to cuddle her. If you know someone is coming to do laundry, you can snuggle and read books. See?
3) Use honest, age appropriate language. “Mommy is getting medicine to help her get better. And even though the medicine is very good, it also makes me feel tired and yucky. That is really normal.” Just keep making her feel safe.
4) Get your attachment village going. Yes, the care is good…but who else can love up your child? Uncles? Aunts? Grandparents? Friends? Get some people in there to help her feel safe and loved.
4) Be okay with loosening boundaries. This is not the time be wild with strictness. Bedtimes, good food, exercise, lots of love. Everything else will fall into place.
Yes, I have told people that there are appropriate consequences for their child’s behavior.
For instance, if your child is whacking someone or something with a hard truck…you go over and take the truck. And put the truck away. Done and done. The child cries and whines. The truck stays away. That is that.
There doesn’t need to be discussion or punishments. Just the action speaks for itself.
Punishments are bad. They are a power play that don’t teach the child anything. They are an ego-driven move for a parent who feels out of control and weak.
The mature parent who has control over themselves recognizes that holding a boundary firmly and lovingly IS the work. IS the teaching. IS the parenting.
A mature parent also recognizes when the child cannot handle herself and changes the environment (think baby gates rather than “punishing” the child).
A mature parent is not afraid of watching their child cry in frustration or anger. Adaption is happening there. Another layer of punishment spoils the learning.
“Disciplining children” is an euphemism for punishment, and punishment is an outdated idea that is hurting children teaches them something.
My mission in life is to help parents grow up so that they don’t have to hurt their children to help them.
Does that mean there isn’t pain? No, there is pain. We just don’t to inflict more.
Children grow and learn and mature when they feel connected and supported by caretakers. As long as the discipline serves the relationship and is firm and kind, it is okay.
Hi Meghan. I love summertime. No, really. I do. But I work outside the home and am a stressball trying to figure it all out. Two elementary school aged kids, camps, different pick up times, different expectations, different bedtimes, lots of fun days for them, lots of stress for mom. How do I let go of the stress and let them have a good old fashioned summer, at least a little bit?
I hear you.
FIRST, you must carve out time for yourself. You must.
Next, you need a plan. I don’t know if all of the camps are done, but you need to streamline this. Some of them need to attend the SAME camps. With the SAME start and end times. At least a little bit. If you cannot do it now, put it on the list for next year.
This plan also includes some FUN.
Plan out the weekends! YOU decide how they are going to look. YOU take the kids to a water park. You decide to take a break. You get goofy and buy some water blasters and have a water gun fight. Camp. Watch movies outside. Etc.
And can you get another driver? Some sitters? Mother’s helpers? Get some help, lady.
And grill all of your food.
I think your worries are rooted in feeling out of control. So get it back.
The fact that you are thinking about this is GOOD.
I am pretty cautious when it comes to this stuff.
I am all for parents dating and getting their groove back.
But I REALLY like LOTS of time to pass before intro’s are made.
If you are loving and kind and fatherly, this little child is going to attach to you.
And that’s okay, as long as you and GF are both on the same page about the nature and stage of your relationship.
But if she’s rushing in (with the kid in tow), that’s a red flag to me.
This young child does NOT need to be attached to people who are going to come in and out of his/her life. That is confusing and so hurtful.
So, GO SLOW.
Lots of talks with GF. Stay strong in your convictions. And if you think that the relationship with GF is kinda rocky, don’t go meeting the kid.
Trust your intuition.
People are going to judge, judge, judge, and judge some more.
You are feeling defensive because…..?
That’s what you need to sort out.
I struggle with whether it’s “ok” to do something on my own when my kids are awake, around, and able to play. Thoughts?
Ummmm.
My thought is this:
What will happen if you follow your children around anxiously while they are independently, happily, and safely playing?
PARENT! You have done THE THING. Your children are playing ON THEIR OWN.
Pour yourself a glass of SOMETHING and read/watch TV/watch James Corden videos/knit/cook/stare at walls/gab with a friend/garden/work out/sleep/clean/organize/write/listen to music/pursue a passion/ANYTHING that makes you feel like YOU.
Hmmm.
I want to simplify this for you.
Because I really cannot untangle what problems are your daughter’s and which are yours.
Go to therapy. YOU.
I want you to poke into this need that you have for your daughter to be “happy.”
That is not a goal for humans. It is not an attainable and keepable state.
Her alarm has you ALL sorts of alarmed…so, FIRST deal with your alarm, NEXT support and normalize her.
I would read “The Awakened Family” by Tsabary and would take Making Sense of Anxiety by Neufeld.
When you clean yourself up and are able to see your daughter CLEARLY, your next steps will be right there.