You have John over after camp, feed them lunch, all seems well, and then poof! The fighting begins! The boys don’t share, they disagree about what toys to play with, and then you can hear them pushing and shoving from the other room. Tattle-telling begins, and coupled with the sulking, you know that this play date is a failure. You stare at the clock until John’s mom arrives to pick him up. Phew! You are never doing that again! He’s a sweet boy, but clearly that was an unsuccessful play date.
So, imagine your surprise when, the next morning, your lovely son asks if John can come over again. What? The play date was a disaster! Why would your son want to repeat that mess? And how can you make it better?
You may not be in love with John, but your son clearly enjoys him, so here are some tips to help smooth a play date, whether it be between two kids who want to like each other, or just some tips to help smooth the date when there are some bumps in the road.
1). Food can be fun! Instead of just another snack of goldfish, make the food a project. From good old-fashioned Rice Krispies treats to English muffin pizzas, have the kids get involved with a little DIY snack. There are hundred of websites to help you; have your child pick a recipe that looks delicious and fun.
2). Plan a project around the house. Have the friend bring a bathing suit or change of clothes, and set the children up to wash cars! A bucket of soapy bubbles, a hose, and a dirty car, (followed up with Popsicles) is a fun afternoon. Helping to dig in the garden, weed, and planting flowers can also be a fun way to have kids working together and having fun. If you cannot find any work in house, have the children create an obstacle course or a beauty shop! Have them set it up, make signs, and open for business. Run the course or become a customer. When in doubt, a lemonade stand is always exciting for children.
3). Coach your child (beforehand) to handle the conflicts. Pretend to be a friend and role model a play date going south. Have your child get used to saying things like, “please don’t take the truck while I am playing with it” or “I don’t like it when you push me, please stop.” While you’re at it, have your child practice saying sorry for his or her missteps. “John, I am sorry I took the truck. Here it is.” This will not create perfection, but it a step in the right direction.
4). Ignore the squabbling. What may be annoying and sound negative to you, it may be just fine for the kids! It is hard to believe, but some children like a little bit of drama. Many friends can have a “fraught” dynamic, and so long as no one is being cruel, there isn’t overt violence, and they keep playing, try ignoring them! Wait and see if they can create their own solutions.
5). Give a choice. If you hear quite a bit of arguing over a certain toy, give the kids a choice. “You can find a way to share or I can take the toy. Which would you prefer?” If they whine or continue to fight, simply take the toy. Another choice sounds like, “you may either go outside to the swing set or play this board game, which one is it?” The power of the choice only exists when you ask once and then act. The kids will know you mean business if you act, and they are more likely to hustle to find a solution on their own.
Finally, your children will have many friends come in and out of their lives, so try not too worry about these play dates too much. Disagreements, a little fighting, meltdowns…they are part of childhood. As long as you pay attention, help create solutions, and keep it positive, most of it will come out in the wash.