Q: I just learned that my 4-year-old’s best friend will be moving at the end of the summer. My son is a fairly outgoing kid and happy to play with just about anyone, but the child who is moving is by far his best buddy. They were an inseparable pair at preschool all year, and because his mom is a good friend of mine, the boys also socialize a lot outside of school. I know that hearing his friend is moving away is going to rock his world. The good news is that my son will be going into a new, bigger preschool class in the fall. I’m hoping the fact that everything will be new will make it less noticeable to him that his favorite friend is no longer there. However, I also know that at 4 years old, he’s old enough to understand that his friend has moved away permanently, and to miss him. Any suggestions on preparing him for his friend’s move? How soon should I tell him what is going to happen? Also, any thoughts on maintaining a pen pal or online friendship? If he were older, I’d definitely encourage staying in touch with a beloved friend, but at 4 I’m wondering if it would be more upsetting than helpful to him to continually be reminded of a friend who now lives 2,000 miles away.
A: Thank you for this great letter. I hope my response will bring you some measure of ease, because here’s the thing: Situations like this are simply the best way to help a child grow up. Let me explain.
For a 4-year-old who has adults who love, protect and care for him emotionally and physically, there are many losses and “no’s” that come his way every day. As his parent, there is no telling how many times a day you have to say “no,” steer him in another direction, hold the boundary. This is your responsibility, and although it can wear your soul down to the core, this is the necessary work to help him mature. “Mom never lets me have seven cookies before dinner!” he might say over loud tears.
Meanwhile, his friend’s departure is a lesson of loss and sadness that has nothing to do with you, the parent. Instead of holding boundaries and allowing the tears, you get to simply take care of your son. Yes, you have to break the news, and yes, you have to hold him when he cries. But if (when) he gets frustrated, remember that it will not be with you; it will be with life. And let’s face it, things don’t work out in life all the time. We want our children to experience this sooner rather than later. I am not saying that we create horrible experiences to toughen our children up; I am saying that we welcome these “goodbyes” as great opportunities to help our children get in touch with their emotions.
Developmentally speaking, the average 4-year-old is oriented to self, parents, siblings and then everyone else. If everything is working well, adults hold more significance to a 4-year-old than another child does. Again, 4-year-old children do have favorite friends and wonderful imaginations. The play is fun, the giggles are real, and there is a tremendous amount of joy. So, when this friend leaves, your son will experience great sadness. And when he forgets his friend left and requests a play date, there will be more great sadness. And when your son forgets again and asks whether his friend will be in school, there will be more great sadness.
And then, before long, your son will stop asking and move on. That’s because most friendships this young in childhood are superficial. They are meant to be. Children are meant to be more deeply connected to adults than they are to children, so trust that you are enough to carry your son through.
You wrote to me to ask about all of the different ways you can handle this separation, but you don’t need to manage this loss. Just watch and follow the path your son is taking. If he is sad and cries, hold him and agree that this is very sad. Let all of the tears come out. If he wants to make his friend a picture and mail it, you do that with him. If you suggest a video chat and your son jumps at it, do it. If he shrugs and keeps playing with his Legos, let it be. There is no prescription here because your role is only to help your son adapt to the pain of life. That’s it. You don’t force tears in or out. You don’t push or pull. You are simply a benevolent force that allows all of the feelings.
As he adapts to his loss of this friend to a move, his brain learns this: “My buddy moved away, and I was sad. I cried, and he didn’t come back. My mom let me cry, and I am okay. I am still a little sad, but life is still good. I made it.” This is called resilience. Courage. This is figuring out how to cope.
So, don’t take away or add heartbreak. Just let your son experience it his own way. Don’t make judgments about it. In his small world, you matter the most.
And in terms of how to tell him his buddy is moving? Pick a quiet moment, say it directly, say you know that this is sad and that “our whole family will miss them” and go from there. Stay flexible and loving. Good luck, and safe travels for your friends.
Find this over on The Washington Post.