Q: I have three wonderful kids, ages 7, 5 and 2. Because of my spouse being cruel, emotionally abusive and controlling, I have realized that I need to get divorced. I spoke to a lawyer, and she said the default is 50/50 custody unless we agree to something else. I have no idea how my spouse will react, because I haven’t told him yet. He gets stressed easily when trying to manage the kids, and when he is stressed, he yells and grabs. Therefore, he doesn’t watch them for more than an hour or so solo right now.
I have been trying to stay married for their sake, thinking I can shield them. But I don’t want them growing up seeing this as something that is okay, and I can only shield so much. He still yells at the kids and me. (Mostly me.)
It’s hard to imagine being separated from them for even one night, but I am an adult and will manage. But how can I help them get through this? My spouse will either flip out or come to his senses and shape up. He loves the kids and is a good dad when he’s not stressed or yelling. I was abandoned by my own dad, and my greatest wish is for them to have a good relationship, even if it’s too late for him and me.
A: Thank you for writing; I am sorry that you find yourself in this difficult situation. There is so much unknown for the future, but I commend you for clearly seeing your present as fairly untenable.
I would be remiss if I didn’t begin with a couple of basic checks here: First, are there guns in the house? As the gun violence prevention group Everytown reports: “Every month, an average of 70 women are shot and killed by an intimate partner.” And guns are frequently used to keep an abused partner within a relationship. You can check which states have laws that support removing guns from abusive households, and please proceed carefully if there is any violence in the home. Please know: Emotional abuse is abuse. Yelling and grabbing are abuse.
As for your custody worries, my parent heart knows how afraid you are to leave. The idea of splitting time with him, as well as how he may manage the children on his own, feels untenable when you are at a changing threshold like this, so I would recommend that you slow down.
Safely find an excellent lawyer who specializes in domestic abuse and custody. According to Bretta Lewis, a lawyer specializing in divorce and family law, “there’s no ‘default’ rule when it comes to custody cases. Your outcome is going to depend on a variety of factors (in Virginia, there is a specific code section that lists them out), as well as what area you’re in, who the judges are and how the evidence shakes out.” A good legal team will help you […]