Q: My daughter is starting kindergarten in the fall. My question is about the bus stop. It’s down the street from my house, and I am able to see it from my kitchen window. The mama bear in me wants to walk her there every day and hold her hand the whole way, but I also want to teach her independence and confidence. Is it safe for me to let her walk to the bus stop by herself? I’d obviously walk her there the first day or two, but after that is she good to go?
A: Wow, this question is timely. I just read the New York Times article “Motherhood in the Age of Fear” by Kim Brooks, and have been reflecting on how our country has lost its collective mind around children’s independence, and more importantly, how mothers are particularly targeted for allowing their children some latitude.
Cited in Brooks’s article is a bill that recently passed in Utah that prohibits welfare authorities from taking children away from their parents if the children were participating in normal “play” activities and/or their basic needs were being met. There is a great deal of latitude when it comes to what age is considered sufficient for such independent play, but the bill promotes the concept that parents are the best judge of what their children can handle, not strangers.
Think of this! We now need a bill to protect parents whose child plays in a park, walks to school, rides a bike or sits in a car while a mother grabs milk from the corner store. I turned to my mother and said, “I think I spent a majority of my childhood sitting in our tan Volkswagen Rabbit, waiting for you while you went into the bank or Acme.” To which she replied, “It wasn’t a big deal. You were safe; everyone did it. No one even thought of kidnapping.” Now, our 24-hour news cycle has us paralyzed with fear of serial killers, kidnappers and pedophiles. We are often protecting our children from nonexistent dangers, and instead creating a culture of anxiety and paranoia.
But you have a simple question: Should you allow your kindergartner to walk to the bus stop by herself?
First, think about whether your child can handle this walk. You can read every article, column, blog and book about what you should do, but only you know. How independent is your daughter? Does she take initiative? Would she enjoy this kind of freedom? Can you trust her (as much as you can trust a kindergarten-age child)?
Even if your child is highly disciplined , I know that you will be walking her to the bus stop at the beginning of the year. Beginning school is a pretty big transition, and getting onto a bus with strangers can be intimidating. Knowing a parent is walking them to the stop and is waiting with them gives children the confidence they need until they grow comfortable with the routine. In fact, while I strongly promote children freely playing and roaming in their neighborhoods, I am more in favor of you walking your child to bus stop for the time-being.
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You may find, after weeks or months, that your daughter is ready to walk to the bus stop by herself. You may walk her to the front porch and watch her the rest of the way. You may watch her from the door. Eventually, you may watch her from the window. This is parenting in a nutshell. Bit by bit, we allow our children more freedom. There will be mistakes in judgment along the way (hers and yours), but if you pay attention, trust your intuition and try to trust the world at large, you will find this will all be okay.
Also, don’t be surprised if, after some time of independent walking, your daughter regresses and wants to walk with you again. Friendship issues, as well as other small problems and insecurities (both perceived and real) can cause your daughter to need you again. Don’t fret; it probably won’t last. Lend a listening ear; even short walks can provide a great opportunity to hear about what is happening in your child’s life.
As for garnering support in these efforts, maybe you can reach out to other families who are also going to be at the bus stop, and take turns standing there until the bus arrives. I might also contact my direct neighbors and say, “Hey, Adrienne will be walking to the bus stop this year. If you see her, give a wave. She is proud!” This accomplishes two things: One, your neighbors will have a heads up that your daughter can and should be walking to the bus stop, and two, it could be nice to have a community looking out for all of our children.
Either way, don’t push independence. Let it emerge naturally (and it will). Good luck.
Find this over on The Washington Post.
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