{"id":1235,"date":"2013-04-08T13:54:20","date_gmt":"2013-04-08T17:54:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.positivelyparenting.com\/?p=1235"},"modified":"2015-12-04T12:48:54","modified_gmt":"2015-12-04T17:48:54","slug":"time-outs-dont-work-so-stop-giving-them","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/time-outs-dont-work-so-stop-giving-them\/","title":{"rendered":"Time Out’s Don’t Work. So, Stop Giving Them"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
As a parent coach who specializes in helping parents of young children (aged 2-10), a frequently asked question is:\u00a0\u00a0Is it okay for us to use time-outs with our children?\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>Let’s take a look at time-outs, what I think about them, and why. \u00a0For our purposes, a classic time-out is forcing a child to sit on a step or mat, in a chair, or another designated spot for an amount of time chosen by the parent (typically, one minute per year of age of child).<\/p>\n

Firstly, in the world of positive discipline, time-outs are simply not that popular.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Well, the thinking is that the parent is either trying to force a child into spot for an indiscretion that is developmentally normal, or the misbehavior is a cry for positive attention, not punishment.\u00a0 Secondly, many parents believe that the child is\u00a0learning<\/em>\u00a0to be \u201cgood\u201d while she sits on the step.\u00a0 Not so.\u00a0 The child is usually feeling ashamed or is becoming angrier; but he is\u00a0not<\/em>\u00a0learning\u00a0how\u00a0<\/em>to behave.\u00a0 Has the misbehavior stopped?\u00a0 Yes, technically, but often there is a good deal of shame, blame, and general drama required to force the child into the time-out spot, and by the time the child sits down, everyone is angry and exhausted. \u00a0How can this be an effective way to parent?<\/p>\n

Do I think time-outs are a “horrible and useless” thing?\u00a0 Do I think that they are abusive?\u00a0\u00a0 Well, no.\u00a0 I think that there is a\u00a0very<\/strong>\u00a0short window that the parent finds the time-out to be a useful tool…and\u00a0that<\/strong>\u00a0is the problem.\u00a0 Somewhere between 18 months and 2.5, many parents will use time-outs to “teach” or stop misbehaviors and since the children are so young, they will often comply.<\/p>\n

But not for long.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Soon enough, the\u00a0normal\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>and\u00a0spirited<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0and\u00a0growing<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0child will start to fight back.\u00a0 They will\u00a0not<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0go to the time-out spot or, as in the case of my oldest child; they will smack you and then walk themselves over to their spot, looking mightily smug and not the least bit remorseful.<\/p>\n

Parents start to become angrier and angrier, more locked into winning, and more invested in “teaching that kid a lesson.”\u00a0 This thinking, this anger, and this \u201cneed\u201d to feel powerful is what grows more misbehaviors, especially as the child enters his late 3’s and 4’s. So, do I think you are hurting your child or family dynamic with time-outs?<\/p>\n

My only question, for all parents, is: “Are the time-outs working?<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

If the answer is\u00a0“NO!”\u00a0<\/strong>than give up the time-outs and see what happens! \u00a0You may be surprised to see that the behaviors\u00a0does not get worse<\/strong>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As a parent coach who specializes in helping parents of young children (aged 2-10), a frequently asked question is:\u00a0\u00a0Is it okay for us to use time-outs with our children?\u00a0 \u00a0Let’s take a look at time-outs, what I think about them, and why. \u00a0For our purposes, a classic time-out is forcing a child to sit on a step or mat, in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1235","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nTime Out's Don't Work. 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