{"id":1928,"date":"2015-06-05T15:58:16","date_gmt":"2015-06-05T19:58:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.positivelyparenting.com\/?p=1928"},"modified":"2015-11-30T10:09:44","modified_gmt":"2015-11-30T15:09:44","slug":"meghan-leahy-answers-how-to-encourage-competition-in-my-daughter-9172014","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/meghan-leahy-answers-how-to-encourage-competition-in-my-daughter-9172014\/","title":{"rendered":"Meghan Leahy answers: How to encourage competition in my daughter 9\/17\/2014"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\"LL18onparenting\"<\/a>Question<\/b>: Any insights into how to get an elementary school child involved in after-school activities?<\/p>\n

What I\u2019m asking is how to find an activity that your child likes\/engages in.<\/p>\n

My child apparently is not a naturally competitive kid. I\u2019m trying to encourage her to try this and that and am meeting with resistance. I\u2019d like her to have something to occupy her time after school. She just turned 8 and has rejected soccer. She\u2019s a great skier, but that\u2019s a winter\/weekend sport. I\u2019ve signed her up for tennis, hoping it will take.<\/p>\n

Any thoughts?<\/p>\n

Answer:\u00a0<\/b>Ahhh, so interesting. My first immediate thought is, \u201cWhy is America obsessed with competition?\u201d I mean, we really, really are. And the competitive spirit has been creeping more toward our young children (via their parents, not the children).<\/p>\n

But before you think, \u201cGreat! Meghan hates competition and wants every child to hold hands and sing \u2018Kumbaya,\u2019\u2009\u201d think again.<\/p>\n

Competition is a normal and healthy part of being human.<\/p>\n

Healthy competition can light a fire under us, get and keep us motivated and help us reach for goals that, without the competitive spirit, we would leave untouched.<\/p>\n

Competition is awesome, and our technology, medical, sports and architectural fields are where you can see competition push the boundaries in amazing ways.<\/p>\n

Yay, competition!<\/p>\n

But what about your just-turned-8-year-old daughter?<\/p>\n

Here are some things I don\u2019t know (and I invite every parent to ask themselves these questions):<\/p>\n

Does this child\u00a0have\u00a0<\/i>to do an activity? If you answer yes, then why?<\/p>\n

Some children, given their druthers, will do absolutely nothing. They will eat junk, watch TV for hours, game for another couple of hours and lie around. Some children truly need structured time and activities; it keeps them healthy, alert and involved in life.<\/p>\n

Does the activity\u00a0have<\/i>\u00a0to be competitive?<\/p>\n

Many children face a pretty hectic day at school. They are working their bottoms off to pay attention, navigate social circles and be \u201cgood kids.\u201d The idea of competition may simply exhaust their overloaded brains, rather than excite or motivate them. Remember, there are other options for children who do not like competition.<\/p>\n

And, yes, maybe the child has to stay in after-school care until you retrieve her. Your child could finish homework, read, and maybe just play.<\/p>\n

Allow me to put every parent\u2019s mind at ease about children who are \u201cnot naturally competitive\u201d:<\/p>\n

There is no developmental reason to put your child into a competitive activity. It will not grow her up, mature her, make her sportier, create aptitude where there is none, grow her social skills, etc. If the child is miserable in a competitive activity, only her misery will grow \u2014 not her competitive spirit.<\/p>\n

The history books are rife with stories of children who have been begged, manipulated, bullied and threatened into competitive activities, only to develop a host of anxiety and depression issues. (Read\u00a0Andre Agassi\u2019s autobiography\u00a0<\/a>as an example.)<\/p>\n

If you push your child into a competitive activity before she is ready \u2014 or when she just doesn\u2019t want to compete \u2014 your child will feel bad about herself. Your child will feel as if she is not enough. And if a child feels that she is lacking or not enough, and you continue to force her into an activity, her young brain receives this message: \u201cI am not good enough being who I am. Dad does not value me for me alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

And two bad things happen as a result of this feeling.<\/p>\n

First, the child works her tail off trying to make you happy. When a child works to impress Mom or Dad, she is veering further and further away from herself, and these are dangerous waters. Whereas wanting your parent to be proud of you is normal and healthy, wanting to gain a father\u2019s love and respect leaves the child panicked and insecure.<\/p>\n

Second, the other (and healthier) thing that your daughter will do is fight you. Not only will she not participate in the after-school activity, but she will start to fight you in areas of your family life that were previously working well. She is telling you, \u201cStop! See me. I have my own personality. Please accept me for who I am.\u201d This is a healthy response for a new 8-year-old, and I am encouraged, as a parent coach, when I see a child stand her ground.<\/p>\n

So, what is a parent to do?<\/p>\n

Maybe you know your child would like to try something but is too nervous to join. Maybe you know that the child has to stay at school, and fresh air is a better option than sitting in front of a screen. If you remove your ego from the decision process, you can begin to see your child for who she is and what she loves.<\/p>\n

Can she join a running team? This is both an individual and a team sport. Can she take a yoga class? Invigorating, fun, good for the body and soul, and low on the competition. Can she join the gardening club? Good for the planet and the brain, and everyone is outside. Can she join a Lego club? A photography class? An art class?<\/p>\n

Essentially, it comes down to this: She is 8. She should do something that makes her smile.<\/p>\n

And, though this may be a challenge to accept, she may prefer to come home, relax, be by herself and recharge in silence with a book.<\/p>\n

We can respect her personality while still encouraging her to try new things; it requires that we remove ego-driven parenting decisions and use our good ol\u2019 common (and heart) sense.<\/p>\n

And, oh yeah, get ready for ski season and allow her to shine there.<\/p>\n

Find this over at The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Question: Any insights into how to get an elementary school child involved in after-school activities? What I\u2019m asking is how to find an activity that your child likes\/engages in. My child apparently is not a naturally competitive kid. I\u2019m trying to encourage her to try this and that and am meeting with resistance. I\u2019d like her to have something to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[301],"tags":[231,464],"class_list":["post-1928","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-washington-post","tag-after-school-activities","tag-competition"],"yoast_head":"\nMeghan Leahy answers: How to encourage competition in my daughter 9\/17\/2014 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/meghan-leahy-answers-how-to-encourage-competition-in-my-daughter-9172014\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Meghan Leahy answers: How to encourage competition in my daughter 9\/17\/2014 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Question: Any insights into how to get an elementary school child involved in after-school activities? 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