{"id":1952,"date":"2015-06-09T13:34:39","date_gmt":"2015-06-09T17:34:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.positivelyparenting.com\/?p=1952"},"modified":"2015-11-30T11:24:03","modified_gmt":"2015-11-30T16:24:03","slug":"what-to-do-when-your-child-is-a-perfectionist-172015","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-when-your-child-is-a-perfectionist-172015\/","title":{"rendered":"What to do when your child is a perfectionist 1\/7\/2015"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\"42204182_thumbnail\"<\/a>Question<\/b>: My 7-year-old daughter is bright enough that many things come pretty easily for her, but when they don\u2019t, she gets frustrated and quits. She won\u2019t practice or work at anything \u2014 even fun stuff like riding a bike \u2014 because she\u2019s not perfect the first time, and to her that\u2019s unacceptable. If she\u2019s encouraged to keep trying, she\u2019ll eventually storm off in frustration and continue to beat herself up over not being able to do it.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve tried modeling acceptance of imperfection in our own behavior, we\u2019ve tried praising effort instead of achievement, reminding her of past successes (\u201cYou couldn\u2019t do a flip on the monkey bars the first 20 times, remember? And now it\u2019s your favorite thing!\u201d).<\/p>\n

Hugs, nurturing, reminders that we\u2019ll always love her, etc. only seem to make her even angrier, but backing off doesn\u2019t help her feel better, either. This fear of even the smallest failure has her hamstrung in a lot of areas, and at school it often causes her anxiety and embarrassment when she can\u2019t control her frustration. How can we help her learn to keep plugging away and get her over the hurdle?<\/p>\n

Answer<\/b>: Ah, perfectionism. Not just the paralyzing domain of children, I have also seen adults suffer terribly from perfectionism. So, let\u2019s decode perfectionism a little.<\/p>\n

Whether in an adult or a 7-year-old girl, perfectionism is a very useful feeling for humans. In trying to make everything \u201cjust right\u201d or quitting when the going gets tough, the human brain avoids a great deal of uncomfortable feelings.<\/p>\n

Perfectionism is the brain\u2019s way of defending itself against feeling out of control and, in essence, vulnerable.<\/p>\n

Vulnerability is tough for brains. That\u2019s because our brain is mostly made up of areas that want to protect us, both physically and emotionally. Back in the day, when we were out hunting on the plains, there was no time to relax. It was eat or be eaten, and the world was truly a dangerous place. The brain was constantly scanning the environment, assessing for danger and yes, failure.<\/p>\n

Fast-forward several thousand years, and we still have these brains.<\/p>\n

This part of our brain still overreacts to real and perceived dangers (and most dangers in our world now, lucky for us, are just perceived).<\/p>\n

Your daughter cannot ride a bike just right the first time? The brain yells, \u201cTHESE FEELINGS ARE NOT GOOD! STOP THEM IMMEDIATELY!\u201d And true to form, your daughter shuts them down. The more we push or cheerlead or distract, the more her brain reads this as, \u201cI know what you are trying to do here. You are trying to get me to feel all of my feelings! Forget it!\u201d And she digs in. Her brain is protecting her.<\/p>\n

Your letter demonstrates that you are clearly caring parents and that the many strategies you are trying are not working for you. That\u2019s because, simply, we can\u2019t skip the hard parts of feeling vulnerable. At least, we can\u2019t skip them and grow into our fullest potential.<\/p>\n

Your daughter is scared of feeling out of control, so you must safely and slowly allow her to feel out of control.<\/p>\n

No more praising, cheerleading, reminding her of past successes.<\/p>\n

If you pause and reflect on this, praising, cheerleading and all the other strategies are all pointing toward one thing: outcomes. Do the monkey bars, get on the bike, finish the homework, be happy.<\/p>\n

Shift focus to letting her feel uncomfortable and worried and sad and out of control.<\/p>\n

Show your daughter that she can make it through these feelings and that you are not going to go anywhere. You are going to be there, 100 percent, to listen and hug \u2014 not to change or lessen or mitigate the feelings. In doing so, you are going to make room for discomfort. Why? Because, as developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld says, the more room you give a feeling, the less space it takes up.<\/p>\n

When your daughter is ready, a powerful thing to try is to mirror your daughter\u2019s feelings.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, riding a bike can be scary and frustrating. You could fall off!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, doing homework might mean getting some of these problems wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt makes you feel pretty bad to feel worried at school, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n

I say \u201cwhen your daughter is ready\u201d because chances are good that she is not going to want to hear this for a long time. I am going to guess that for now, she is going to view any input from you as some sort of cheerleading or something else coercive, so remain watchful and attuned to what is happening under the anxiety. This will lead you to knowing when and how to mirror.<\/p>\n

Finally, cultivating the idea of \u201cit doesn\u2019t really matter\u201d will help you. Start thinking to yourself, \u201cIt doesn\u2019t really matter if my daughter ever learns to ride a bike, I love her anyway.\u201d \u201cIt doesn\u2019t really matter if she does this math homework, I love her anyway.\u201d \u201cIt doesn\u2019t really matter if she storms off 30 times today, I love her anyway.\u201d Allow this love and acceptance to shine through in your daily interactions. Let her young brain know that no matter what, she doesn\u2019t need to prove anything to you. You already love her unconditionally. And then, she\u2019ll realize she doesn\u2019t need to prove anything to herself, either.<\/p>\n

Finally, remember that this path is on her schedule, not yours. You can do everything \u201cright\u201d and by the book, but your daughter\u2019s growth will happen when she is ready. This requires you to remain steady and confident. She can come out of this with earned resilience and the confidence to know that hard feelings can be experienced, that there is nothing to be scared of and that she can handle scary feelings.<\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Question: My 7-year-old daughter is bright enough that many things come pretty easily for her, but when they don\u2019t, she gets frustrated and quits. She won\u2019t practice or work at anything \u2014 even fun stuff like riding a bike \u2014 because she\u2019s not perfect the first time, and to her that\u2019s unacceptable. If she\u2019s encouraged to keep trying, she\u2019ll eventually […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[301],"tags":[263,322,465,195,137,210,209],"class_list":["post-1952","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-washington-post","tag-anxiety","tag-behavior","tag-brain","tag-control","tag-fear","tag-feelings","tag-perfectionism"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat to do when your child is a perfectionist 1\/7\/2015 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-when-your-child-is-a-perfectionist-172015\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"What to do when your child is a perfectionist 1\/7\/2015 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Question: My 7-year-old daughter is bright enough that many things come pretty easily for her, but when they don\u2019t, she gets frustrated and quits. 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