{"id":1970,"date":"2015-06-11T15:04:46","date_gmt":"2015-06-11T19:04:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.positivelyparenting.com\/?p=1970"},"modified":"2016-02-13T14:30:25","modified_gmt":"2016-02-13T19:30:25","slug":"the-right-response-when-your-child-doesnt-want-to-be-bossed-around-342015","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/the-right-response-when-your-child-doesnt-want-to-be-bossed-around-342015\/","title":{"rendered":"The right response when your child doesn\u2019t want to be \u2018bossed around\u2019 3\/4\/2015"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Question<\/b>: My 8-year-old has been saying lately, \u201cI can do whatever I want\u201d and \u201cI am in charge of me.\u201d He will say these things when I ask him to do random things, like sitting safely in the car, picking up toys, going to bed. I know he is in charge of himself, and I want him to be autonomous. Sometimes, I just get firm and cut him off because I don\u2019t feel like having a long-winded conversation about this with him. How do I encourage him so this doesn\u2019t turn into a battle?<\/p>\n

Answer<\/b>: All children who are developing to their fullest potential come to an age when they want to create a space for themselves, a voice and a sense of independence within their families.<\/p>\n

This expression of independence is healthy and needed in order for a child to begin to grow into a young adult. As parents, we feel challenged, provoked and annoyed by our children\u2019s assertions, and this is also normal and good.<\/p>\n

Wait, what? Yes, feeling challenged is good. When we have some parental discomfort, it can mean change is afoot.<\/p>\n

And when our children say, \u201cI am in charge of myself,\u201d we parents are forced to ask ourselves some worthwhile questions:<\/p>\n

1) Why is this child pushing back? And why now?<\/p>\n

2) Has my child matured and I have not grown with him?<\/p>\n

3) Is my child ready for more responsibility? More choice?<\/p>\n

4) Am I bossing my child around? Am I using kindness in my requests?<\/p>\n

5) Am I waffling when he pushes back? Do I always acquiesce to his demands? Does my child feel like the boss of our house?<\/p>\n

Creating a balance of choice and boundaries, of room to grow and rules to be followed, is the work of every parent. It is not easy, and you will have missteps and failures along the way. That\u2019s good, because these failures are our teachers.<\/p>\n

Among these failures, there are some simple ideas to help you gain a new parenting perspective.<\/p>\n

If a child says, \u201cI am in charge of myself,\u201d that is an indicator that the parent or caregiver is bossing, demanding and commanding too often. When someone barks orders or demands that something be done \u201cright away,\u201d well, I know that makes\u00a0me\u00a0<\/i>feel like saying, \u201cNO!\u201d<\/p>\n

Humans do not like to be bossed around, especially 8-year-old humans.<\/p>\n

Does this mean that I am saying that you can\u2019t expect your children to do what you ask them to do? Of course you can, but let\u2019s find the middle way.<\/p>\n

For instance: sitting safely in the car. This is not optional, right? You will pull over, wait and do what is necessary until the child is seated safely.<\/p>\n

Putting toys away? Well, this could get a different approach. Is there really a pressing need for those toys to be put away, right now? Probably not. A choice is a lovely option here: \u201cHey buddy, your Legos are all over the living room floor. You can pick them up in 15 minutes or an hour: Which do you choose?\u201d<\/p>\n

Another way to smooth over some potential struggles is to call a family meeting. I am a huge fan of the family meeting, and learned about it in detail from the good folks at PEP (the Parent Encouragement Program<\/a>, look \u2019em up).<\/p>\n

The family meeting is pretty simple: You call everyone together and say something like, \u201cHey, I am noticing that all of our shoes are in front of the front door every night. It is getting dangerous and a little messy. What are the solutions for this?\u201d And then you turn it over to the children. What are their ideas? Be open to their creativity; let the ideas get a little outside the box. Let the children find a solution that, while perhaps not perfect (or, ahem, how you would do it), allows them to have some ownership. Like almost all humans, children feel invested in solutions when they have a voice in creating them.<\/p>\n

This does not mean you should let your son go on for hours about how he is not going to pick up his toys. No. I\u2019m suggesting the middle way.<\/p>\n

When we dismiss someone out of hand, we know that this is rude, whether it is a friend, a co-worker or a child. So find another way to respond to your son\u2019s rants.<\/p>\n

The old saying, \u201cIf you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all,\u201d is a beautiful and simple way to not enter into the struggle.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s face it: If your son does not want to pick up his toys, there is little you can say or do to make him want to do it.<\/p>\n

Sure, you could give him money or lollipops (short-lived rewards that breed skewed expectations in kids and resentments in parents), or you could throw his toys away while he watches (effective punishment, as well as mean-spirited, and will build problems the likes of which you cannot imagine).<\/p>\n

Instead, ask yourself this: How can I create the conditions in which my son\u00a0wants<\/i>\u00a0to clean when I ask him?<\/p>\n

Aim for what is normal developmentally.<\/p>\n

My children are not always \u201cwhistling while they work.\u201d They don\u2019t thank me for the jobs, nor do they seek me out for assignments. I am not looking for perfection; I am looking for help and a clutter-free (okay, less-cluttered) home. If there are grumbles along the way, that\u2019s normal. I can handle that, and so can every parent.<\/p>\n

So, yes, show me a child who is asserting, \u201cI am the boss of myself,\u201d and I will show you a child who is developing in a healthy way.<\/p>\n

And it is okay to step back and stop the requests for a while. Just work on the relationship, have some fun, smile and enjoy each other\u2019s company.<\/p>\n

When the time feels right, your son will begin to help. Humans help others when they feel valued, appreciated and seen.<\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a> page.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Question: My 8-year-old has been saying lately, \u201cI can do whatever I want\u201d and \u201cI am in charge of me.\u201d He will say these things when I ask him to do random things, like sitting safely in the car, picking up toys, going to bed. I know he is in charge of himself, and I want him to be autonomous. 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