{"id":1976,"date":"2015-06-11T15:16:33","date_gmt":"2015-06-11T19:16:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.positivelyparenting.com\/?p=1976"},"modified":"2016-02-13T14:18:45","modified_gmt":"2016-02-13T19:18:45","slug":"her-husband-is-emotionally-abusing-her-son-now-what-32515","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/her-husband-is-emotionally-abusing-her-son-now-what-32515\/","title":{"rendered":"Her husband is emotionally abusing her son. Now what? 3\/25\/15"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\nQuestion<\/b>: We have two sons, 11 and 13. My husband has never shown any affection to the older son, who is a wonderful, caring, kind, brilliant child. I have a very close bond with my son, and my husband resents this, even stooping to calling him Oedipus, among the incessant criticism he levels at the child. My son has now started seeing a therapist, but my husband is refusing to go, despite the therapist\u2019s requests. I\u2019m wondering if you have any advice for me. It\u2019s not easy being a mother in this situation, torn between these two people and enduring this friction at home.<\/p>\n

Answer<\/b>: Okay, I am going to be honest with you: All kinds of flags went up when I read this.<\/p>\n

Here is what I am reading:<\/p>\n

1. Your husband systematically bullies, targets, \u201cincessantly criticizes\u201d and name-calls your eldest son.<\/p>\n

2. Your husband is jealous of the close relationship you share with your eldest son.<\/p>\n

3. Your son has begun to see a therapist, but your husband refuses to go.<\/p>\n

4. I am assuming you and your youngest son are not seeing a therapist.<\/p>\n

5. You want advice for this \u201cfriction.\u201d<\/p>\n

These are not disagreements between two people who have different opinions.<\/p>\n

As someone who has worked with children and families for 17 years, I see a man (your husband) who is beginning to fulfill the definition of a bully and worse, someone who is emotionally abusing his son.<\/p>\n

One of the telltale signs of emotional abuse is that the victim develops issues such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and a host of other symptoms both physical and emotional that can last a lifetime.<\/p>\n

I hate that I just wrote that sentence.<\/p>\n

I hate writing all of this, because I desperately want to tell you that you that there is some easy advice here. An easy \u201c1,2,3 and poof!\u201d Your husband will stop being a bully! He will stop name-calling! He will love his son! (My heart just broke writing that sentence, too.) He will be the father your son deserves! He will go to therapy to show his willingness to change!<\/p>\n

But we can\u2019t force others to change.<\/p>\n

In lieu of changing your husband, I strongly suggest you go to therapy. Right now.<\/p>\n

You need to speak to a professional about why you are married to man who is systematically unkind to his son, as well as intensely critical of the relationship you share with your son.<\/p>\n

You need to sort out your family.<\/p>\n

Close your eyes and imagine this:<\/p>\n

It is 10 years from now. Your son is 23. He sits down with a stranger and tells this stranger his experience of being in his home. Now, where are you in this? What will your eldest say about you, Mom? How did you protect him? I am not writing this to make you feel guilty or ashamed; I am saying this to get you out of the back seat (victim), and into the front seat as protector and parent.<\/p>\n

If your son is suffering at the hands of your husband enough to need therapy, it is time to look at this. Closely. I don\u2019t know what will happen; no one does.<\/p>\n

I am not suggesting you up and leave your husband.<\/p>\n

Nor am I suggesting that you take your son out of therapy. He needs someone to listen to his pain, and it is my most sincere hope that this therapist is allowing your son\u2019s pain to find a safe place to land.<\/p>\n

But I am suggesting that you may be making excuses for and enabling an abusive relationship.<\/p>\n

I wonder if your husband is also emotionally abusive toward you. If he is, you must know that there is help, emotional abuse is real, and you have choices. There is support.<\/p>\n

If you take anything away from this column, please know this is not a little \u201cfriction,\u201d it\u2019s not okay and it is not your job to fix your husband. It is your duty to protect yourself and your children. Period.<\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a> page.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Question: We have two sons, 11 and 13. My husband has never shown any affection to the older son, who is a wonderful, caring, kind, brilliant child. I have a very close bond with my son, and my husband resents this, even stooping to calling him Oedipus, among the incessant criticism he levels at the child. My son has now […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[301],"tags":[458,188,459,456,187],"class_list":["post-1976","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-washington-post","tag-abuse","tag-emotional-abuse","tag-protection","tag-spouses","tag-therapy"],"yoast_head":"\nHer husband is emotionally abusing her son. 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