{"id":1990,"date":"2015-06-12T14:54:46","date_gmt":"2015-06-12T18:54:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.positivelyparenting.com\/?p=1990"},"modified":"2016-02-04T16:18:36","modified_gmt":"2016-02-04T21:18:36","slug":"behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/","title":{"rendered":"Behind the 7-year-old\u2019s anger 5\/19\/15"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\n
\n

\nQ: My 7\u00a01\/2\u00a0-year-old daughter gets very easily frustrated and has frequent meltdowns. She does not have any behavior issues at school, but as soon as she gets home she will explode over the smallest things. Often this is aimed at her sibling. If her sister doesn\u2019t want to play exactly the way she wants to play, she will scream and storm off, or sometimes pinch or grab her sister. I don\u2019t think she intends to hurt her, but it\u2019s as if she has to do something physical to release all the anger\/frustration that\u2019s built up. We tried a behavioral psychologist, who suggested she has ADD and could benefit from medication. I don\u2019t necessarily agree with the diagnosis because this pretty much happens only at home. I read \u201cThe Explosive Child<\/a>,\u201d which recommends collaborative problem-solving rather than rewards and punishments, but how do I handle it when she hurts her sister? I\u2019ve tried talking through things calmly and getting her to come up with solutions, but in the moment she is completely unwilling to compromise. Can you offer any advice? Thank you.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

A: I answered this in part in a recent online discussion, but felt it deserved a deeper response. So here we are.<\/p>\n

There are so many factors to sort through here, I understand your confusion. Let\u2019s begin to tease out all of this to see if we can figure out what\u2019s going on.<\/p>\n

The first important bit of \u201cgood news\u201d in your note is that you already\u00a0know\u00a0<\/i>what is going on. As the parent, you clearly see that she has pent-up frustration that needs to be released. She is currently releasing it onto her sister. Why her sister? Easy target? Habit? We don\u2019t know, but we know that this is the reality. That is what we are working with when you pick her up from school.<\/p>\n

So let\u2019s work from the outside in, and let\u2019s jump over anger (a secondary emotion) and focus on the primary emotion of frustration. Where does frustration come from? Well, every human experiences frustration. We are built to experience frustration and be moved by it in one direction or another.<\/p>\n

We try to change what is frustrating us. And when we can\u2019t change the event or the outcome or the issue, we are changed by that frustration. That\u2019s called adaptation.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s all well and good, but some children (like your beautiful daughter) can get stuck in frustration. They get stuck in the buildup and the explosion, but they never adapt or never get \u201cchanged\u201d by it. The next frustrating incident is just another explosion.<\/p>\n

This is especially tough if you have a child who is easily frustrated by life in general, and parents with extra-sensitive children know this well.<\/p>\n

Now, about school.<\/p>\n

You stated that there are no \u201cbehavioral problems at school,\u201d but I would ask more about the kinds of experiences she is having at school. Questions for you to ask her teachers and the administration: Is she moving enough (recess, gym class, etc.)? Is she so quiet that no one has noticed her? Is she able to focus and stay with the class? Is she able to finish her work in a timely manner?<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the thing. If she has ADD and we are ignoring it, her brain is working so much harder just to keep her head above water that by the time you pick her up from school, she can\u2019t handle her emotions or her body anymore. She is completely out of control because her system is kaput. So begin to do some investigating at school and see what turns up.<\/p>\n

I am also wondering if she was truly evaluated for ADD, or was it a suggestion from the psychologist? I think it is worthwhile to look into this a little more. A diagnosis does not mean an instantaneous need for medication, but it could bring to light particular strategies that could truly help. (And she could receive some better services in school!)<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, what can you do when your daughter explodes? We know that she is going to target the sister. We know it is going to get violent. We have to head this off at the pass rather than react.<\/p>\n

So let\u2019s look at some options:<\/p>\n

1. Give her food, especially protein, immediately upon pickup from school. This can help even out blood sugar, keep some hormones in line and give the explosive daughter a moment to transition.<\/p>\n

2. Get your daughter playing physically: throwing something, jumping on a trampoline, running. Frustration can be converted into physical energy , and your daughter needs some safe and appropriate outlets.<\/p>\n

3. Get between the sisters. Literally. Take the explosive child by the hand and strongly lead her away from an opportunity to hurt and lash out. Since she cannot be trusted to \u201cplay nice,\u201d stop expecting her to. Stop expecting her to share nicely and get along. It\u2019s not happening, so find other ways for these children to do something without staying in each other\u2019s orbit too long.<\/p>\n

4. Stop speaking calmly and stop talking to your daughter about solutions. When the frustration has built too high and the anger is real and present, her brain cannot absorb this language. Yes, you stay calm. Yes, solutions may come later. But in the moment, stay quiet and keep everyone safe.<\/p>\n

Finally, give some attention to the sister who is being attacked. Let her know that yes, this stinks and that it is hard to be around her sister. It stinks when she pinches and hurts people. Allow your other daughter to be angry and sad without judgment or justification. Let your daughter know that Mommy is working on it and is trying to keep everyone safe.<\/p>\n

I hope I have given you a place to begin. Have confidence that this will work out, and try not to be afraid of asking questions of the school and doctors. Good luck!<\/p>\n

Find this over at The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q: My 7\u00a01\/2\u00a0-year-old daughter gets very easily frustrated and has frequent meltdowns. She does not have any behavior issues at school, but as soon as she gets home she will explode over the smallest things. Often this is aimed at her sibling. If her sister doesn\u2019t want to play exactly the way she wants to play, she will scream and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[301],"tags":[272,268,455,136,271,446,291],"class_list":["post-1990","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-washington-post","tag-aggression","tag-anger","tag-fighting","tag-frustration","tag-hitting","tag-siblings","tag-tantrums"],"yoast_head":"\nBehind the 7-year-old\u2019s anger 5\/19\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When a 7 year old is lashing out in anger, Meghan advises a parent to look deeper to find any sources of frustration in her life.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Behind the 7-year-old\u2019s anger 5\/19\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When a 7 year old is lashing out in anger, Meghan advises a parent to look deeper to find any sources of frustration in her life.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2015-06-12T18:54:46+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2016-02-04T21:18:36+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/\",\"name\":\"Behind the 7-year-old\u2019s anger 5\/19\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2015-06-12T18:54:46+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-02-04T21:18:36+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"When a 7 year old is lashing out in anger, Meghan advises a parent to look deeper to find any sources of frustration in her life.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Behind the 7-year-old\u2019s anger 5\/19\/15\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. Plain and simple.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Meghan Leahy\"}}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Behind the 7-year-old\u2019s anger 5\/19\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","description":"When a 7 year old is lashing out in anger, Meghan advises a parent to look deeper to find any sources of frustration in her life.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Behind the 7-year-old\u2019s anger 5\/19\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","og_description":"When a 7 year old is lashing out in anger, Meghan advises a parent to look deeper to find any sources of frustration in her life.","og_url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/","og_site_name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","article_published_time":"2015-06-12T18:54:46+00:00","article_modified_time":"2016-02-04T21:18:36+00:00","author":"Meghan Leahy","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Meghan Leahy","Est. reading time":"5 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/","name":"Behind the 7-year-old\u2019s anger 5\/19\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website"},"datePublished":"2015-06-12T18:54:46+00:00","dateModified":"2016-02-04T21:18:36+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d"},"description":"When a 7 year old is lashing out in anger, Meghan advises a parent to look deeper to find any sources of frustration in her life.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/behind-the-7-year-olds-anger-51915\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Behind the 7-year-old\u2019s anger 5\/19\/15"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/","name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","description":"Helping parents. Plain and simple.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d","name":"Meghan Leahy","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Meghan Leahy"}}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1990"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1990"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1990\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2841,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1990\/revisions\/2841"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1990"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1990"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1990"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}