{"id":2224,"date":"2015-09-22T13:41:36","date_gmt":"2015-09-22T17:41:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.positivelyparenting.com\/?p=2224"},"modified":"2015-11-30T09:28:52","modified_gmt":"2015-11-30T14:28:52","slug":"on-parenting-meghan-leahy-amy-joyce-take-questions-about-parenting-82615","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/livechat\/on-parenting-meghan-leahy-amy-joyce-take-questions-about-parenting-82615\/","title":{"rendered":"On Parenting: Meghan Leahy, Amy Joyce take questions about parenting 8\/26\/15"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0Is this kid a danger to others?<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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My daughter and her husband just bought a house that they are sharing with a friend and her four-year-old son, “Mike”. My grandson is also four, and his sister is about 1 1\/2. During a recent visit I observed Mike try to push my grandson off of a top bunk bed. A few minutes later Mike began patting the little girl’s head harder and harder until I intervened. When I told my daughter she explained that Mike has been through a lot of changes and has issues. He is seeing a therapist. It’s a big house and my daughter acknowledges these kids are going to be together unsupervised from time to time. I’m worried about the impact of this boy’s aggression on my grandkids, physically and emotionally. Am I over-reacting?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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No, I don’t think you are overreacting.<\/p>\n

I think you are a concerned parent\/grandparent.<\/p>\n

If you are around, you are going to need a keep close a close eye on the children, and this is for Mike as much as the other children.<\/p>\n

We don’t know how aggressive this child is (yet), but we also don’t want to wait until someone is thrown off of the bunk bed to find out.<\/p>\n

Keep your eyes peeled and keep supporting your daughter.<\/p>\n

It’s a tough one, but I am glad the child is getting help…it means people ARE watching out for him!<\/p>\n

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Amy Joyce<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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Here is Meghan’s piece on helping to\u00a0ease the back to school transition<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0Step parenting<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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Hi there, I have 3 children from a previous relationship and am now married. My wife cannot stand my elder son- he’s 25 and doesn’t live with us currently. She refuses to even consider allowing him to come back to living with us. I have had to explain to her that it is absolutely unacceptable to me to make such a blanket statement. He isn’t a bad guy- no arrests, no kids, no wild p[arties, not disrespectful overtly- he’s just kind of insensitive and stubborn- forgets to call, refuses to finish college even after admitting that he needs to. I have told her that her ways of speaking to and disciplining the kids are not in keeping with what I want to model for them so she has decided that she has no children and wants nothing to do with them at all. The younger 2 are 9 and 10 and I share custody of them with my ex. Is it me or is there something kinda not quite right here?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Hold the phone, let’s clarify some stuff here:<\/p>\n

1) Does he even WANT to come back and live with you? Is this a need? Or are you guys dancing around this “possibility” as a way of passively-aggressively fighting about something?<\/p>\n

2) I am guessing you have had custody of your younger children for quite a while now. Was your wife speaking and feeling this way then? How has it been leading up to the marriage? Is this an about-face or has she been singing this “nothing to do with kids” tune the whole time?<\/p>\n

So. I don’t know….here’s the deal. Your children come first. So, they need to be welcomed into a home where you and wife have a mutual understanding of how you are going to handle this. You are the primary parent, no one is asking her to “mother” these children. But to be unwelcoming? No. Not okay.<\/p>\n

Therapy is needed STAT. Couples therapy. Find someone who can hep you guys unpack all the feelings here and sift through them so that you can parent, stay married, and move forward.<\/p>\n

If she does not go to therapy, you need to. I would seriously reconsider a union where my spouse washes her hands of my children (9 and 10 are important ages, too!)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0Potty training trouble at preschool<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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Hi there, my daughter is relatively recently potty-trained and does extremely well everywhere except preschool. She seems to be afraid\/uncomfortable with the potty there. There has been no improvement for a month now despite trying rewards, a calming jar, etc. The teachers end up putting diapers on her in the afternoon because she will hold it all day and eventually have an accident. I’m okay with diapers as it hasn’t affected her using the potty outside of school, but wondering how long it’s ok to let this go on. If it doesn’t resolve should we look for a new school? The bathrooms at her school have multiple toilets and are usually crowded and loud, and I’m wondering if she would do better in a classroom that had its own bathroom.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Amy Joyce<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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I think you need to sit down with the school and ask for a very specific plan.<\/p>\n

One of my sons did the same thing in preschool — for a year. I don’t think it’s all that uncommon. It took a lot of time\/patience, but the school worked with him and us. They had one teacher take him to a quiet, separate bathroom. (The classroom had multiple toilets and no doors, and it was loud.) He also took a keychain with a picture of us all together with him to the bathroom, since he was fine going to the bathroom when we were present. It took time, and it took patience on the part of the school and teachers (and us, it was very stressful at the time), but that’s their job as a preschool, right? One day, he handed his teacher the keychain and said “I don’t need this anymore,” and that was that.<\/p>\n

I think it worked because he knew people were rooting for him, he probably felt the support.<\/p>\n

Meghan?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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I think Amy’s answer is beautiful and true.<\/p>\n

Accept the diaper. Make sure the school is gentle and kind about it. Don’t make it a big deal. Find a quieter place to “go” in the school (as Amy suggested).<\/p>\n

Let go of the rewards, don’t talk about it. Give it lots of space. Have the school take the same tack.<\/p>\n

She will eventually go. Believe it. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

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Q:\u00a0How to educate child who does not want to try new things<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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My boy is nearly 5 years old, and he is a little bit shy, does not want to try new things. How should I cope with him?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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You respect it.<\/p>\n

You allow him to do what he likes.<\/p>\n

You follow his lead in helping to pursue his interests.<\/p>\n

You respect his shyness.<\/p>\n

You look for little ways to introduce him to something\u00a0like<\/em>\u00a0something else. If he like trucks, maybe he would like to see a truckshow? If he loves art, maybe he would like an art class one day?<\/p>\n

But really, unless he is zoning out in front of technology for hours on end, there is no problem here.<\/p>\n

Trying new things DOES NOT EQUAL good child.<\/p>\n

Just accept him for who he is.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0Reassuring 5 y.o.<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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Hi, My 5 year old often asks “Do you love me?” and “Are you mad?” Sometimes he’s responding just to me being tired or annoyed with something else completely. Any suggestions on ways to reassure him? Words don’t seem to be working… Thanks!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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We learned a phrase at The Neufeld Institute: “Trump the Need.”<\/p>\n

This means that BEFORE the 5 yo asks “Do you love me?” you say it to him. It means that before the child has a chance to ask “Are you mad?” you smile and hug him and say, “I am so happy to see you.”<\/p>\n

Will this always work? No. Nothing always works. But it goes a LONG way in relaxing the child.<\/p>\n

TRUMP THE NEED.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Amy Joyce<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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In which a parent asks\u00a0about a daughter’s friends\u00a0<\/a>and what to do.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0letting children learn from their mistakes<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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Amy\/Meghan, Can I make a plea for letting children learn from their mistakes & stop protecting children from their own mistakes? Remember the Mom who wrote in several months ago about a fight she’d had with her daughter over protecting the girl’s school project from bad weather while taking it to school? What is the worst that would have happened to the girl? A damaged project & a lower grade but a lesson protecting your hard work was missed or not learned.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Sure. Plea made. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

As long as humans have children, there will be some who follow their children around, worrying and over-managing.<\/p>\n

And there will also be parents telling their children to “suck it up” and “Get tough.”<\/p>\n

Which is more damaging? Oh, who knows. They both strip the child of growth and maturity. They both hurt development.<\/p>\n

The issue is not about allowing failure or not, the real issue is:\u00a0CAN A PARENT\u00a0SEE AND KNOW THEIR CHILD CLEARLY? SO THAT THEIR DECISIONS REFLECT LOVE, SUPPORT, AND HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes, that looks like “saving” and water-proofing projects.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes is looks like allowing failing grades.<\/span><\/p>\n

It depends.<\/span>
\nAll of parenting depends.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Amy Joyce<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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I’m going to recommend a very good book out right now by Jessica Lahey called “The Gift of Failure” that tackles our need to step back. We had a great piece on the blog recently by a local mom who is trying, and succeeding, at doing just that.\u00a0Check it out.\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0High Funtioning Autistic<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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Any advice or guidance for a parent who’s teenage kid was diagnosed as high functioning autistic?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Find supports, STAT.<\/p>\n

If you have a great pediatrician, ask them for the names of supports in your community so that you can link up to other parents who can give you support and great tips and ideas.<\/p>\n

You have been parenting this child for over a decade, so unless you are doing something extremely damaging, keep doing what you are doing. If school is working, keep it. If it isn’t working or your think your child would be helped more by the school, find the right people to talk to!<\/p>\n

Whatever you do, go slow.<\/p>\n

Don’t feel the need to make huge changes.<\/p>\n

Diagnoses can be important and helpful, but they don’t actually change your reality. He is still the same child he was last week.<\/p>\n

Find your specialists, read the books, find the helpful parents, and go slow.<\/p>\n

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Q:\u00a0Stopping a bad habit<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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My 5 1\/2 year old sucks his fingers (he did this instead of a pacifier) when tired\/falling asleep and has a security blanket. What is the best way to help him to break the habit? The dentist telling him not to do it, didn’t work. Now new teeth are starting to come in.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Ummm, I know the dentists may gnash their (perfect) teeth and tear at their hair when I say this, but I wouldn’t worry about it.<\/p>\n

Chances are pretty good he will grow out of it and his teeth will be fine.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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re: stopping a bad habit<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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Growing up, my sister sucked her thumb until she was in elementary school. Out of all us kids, she was the only one that didn’t need to get braces as a teenager. Go figure!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0Back to school<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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Hi Meghan! Here we go again. The first week of school. Our kids, 3rd and 1st grade are happy, but when they get home, it’s tears and tantrums. I know they’re tired and exhausted. How can I get things back to normal (what is normal!?) and help them — all while trying to make dinner and settle in after a day at work? I know I’m not the only one here, right?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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Nooooooo, you are NOT the only one.<\/p>\n

Here is little list of what may be needed:<\/p>\n

1) FOOD. (I know you are making organic salmon, but they need PROTEIN and COMPLEX CARBS). Make some dinners that turn into leftovers…<\/p>\n

2) What do they need? One on one time with you? To be outside? Help you dinner? To paint?\u00a0 To be alone? To watch an hour of TV? Figure this out and make it happen…<\/p>\n

3) Communicate that transitions can be rough AND everyone is going to make it through.<\/p>\n

4) For the parents, make the dinners as SIMPLE as possible. ONE LESS THING.<\/p>\n

5) Have faith this will pass.<\/p>\n

6) Put them to bed as soon as they will humanly go.<\/p>\n

Good luck. We’re all in this. \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Amy Joyce<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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Thanks for joining Meghan and me (on the sidelines here). You can find Meghan’s columns at On Parenting or in the Local Living section of The Post. She’s a parent coach at\u00a0Positively Parenting<\/a>, and also has a\u00a0Facebook page<\/a>\u00a0that keeps things interesting and honest.<\/p>\n

Check out\u00a0On Parenting at washingtonpost.com<\/a>, and give us a\u00a0like on Facebook<\/a>\u00a0to see our stories (and others) and join in the parenting conversation.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0Is this kid a danger to others? My daughter and her husband just bought a house that they are sharing with a friend and her four-year-old son, “Mike”. My grandson is also four, and his sister is about 1 1\/2. During a recent visit I observed Mike try to push my grandson off of a top bunk bed. 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My daughter and her husband just bought a house that they are sharing with a friend and her four-year-old son, “Mike”. My grandson is also four, and his sister is about 1 1\/2. During a recent visit I observed Mike try to push my grandson off of a top bunk bed. 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My daughter and her husband just bought a house that they are sharing with a friend and her four-year-old son, “Mike”. My grandson is also four, and his sister is about 1 1\/2. During a recent visit I observed Mike try to push my grandson off of a top bunk bed. 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