{"id":2234,"date":"2015-09-24T11:05:54","date_gmt":"2015-09-24T15:05:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.positivelyparenting.com\/?p=2234"},"modified":"2015-11-30T09:25:28","modified_gmt":"2015-11-30T14:25:28","slug":"on-parenting-meghan-leahy-amy-joyce-take-questions-about-parenting-9915","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/on-parenting-meghan-leahy-amy-joyce-take-questions-about-parenting-9915\/","title":{"rendered":"On Parenting: Meghan Leahy, Amy Joyce take questions about parenting 9\/9\/15"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Amy Joyce<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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Let’s see. Welcome back to school? Happy end of summer? In many ways, I’m sure you were ready for it, but also a bit melancholy. (Just me? Am I projecting here?)<\/p>\n

Aaaanyway, lots of questions await for Meghan, so we’re going to get started. Make sure to check out Meghan’s latest at\u00a0washingtonpost.com\/onparenting<\/a>\u00a0and give us a\u00a0like on Facebook<\/a>\u00a0so you can see our steady stream of essays, advice, tips and just join in the parenting conversation.<\/p>\n

Let’s talk.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0Bribing kids with food<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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Good morning. I am a foreigner (from Latin America) and am dating an American woman. I noticed that she permanently bargains with her kids good behavior against deserts or any other tasteful food. This has become a problem between us because the conversation with the kids about food limits the chances of holding any other conversation. I wanted to seek your views about this. Bribing kids with food is not normal practice in my culture. Thanks!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Hmmm.<\/p>\n

Well, let’s begin that, yes, bargaining and bribing + food = trouble. I agree.<\/p>\n

BUT.<\/p>\n

This is not your child.<\/p>\n

This is not even your step-child.<\/p>\n

So, keep your mouth shut in during the bribing, and then when it is just you and GF, you can ask some judgment-free questions that promote listening and support. Such as, “I have noticed that we are disagreeing about some food stuff, re: kids. Tell me how you see it…I want to know.” And then shut your mouth and REALLY listen. Maybe your GF has some food issues of her own.\u00a0 Maybe her parents played some head games with her. Maybe she just doesn’t know what else to do but she hates this. Maybe she’s cool with all of it.<\/p>\n

Listen and see if you can a) understand her b) support her and c) if this is something you can live with.<\/p>\n

Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0Five year old stepson waking up crying<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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Our five year old stepson has been waking up crying on many nights over the last few months. At first my wife thought these instances occurred when he spoke to his father (an emotional stress issue) but now they’re happening more frequently. About six weeks back he woke up crying and coughing to the point of vomiting. This past weekend he woke up, we got him down out of the bunk bed and went to the bathroom where he took down his pants and attempted to pee in the bathtub. We’ve tried contacting therapists\/counselors but haven’t received any calls back. I’ve tried consoling, reasoning, disciplining, talking about it before going to bed…these aren’t night terrors in the classic sense as but for some extreme episodes he’s responsive, he listens. He’s the oldest of three boys, 5, 2.5 and 6 months. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Take him to the pediatrician for a full exam. Be very clear with the doctor as to what his symptoms are, and ask\/demand to be referred to a specialist.<\/p>\n

I don’t understand what is happening with the birth father.<\/p>\n

Is he in the picture regularly? What is his sleep like there?<\/p>\n

You need to investigate the patterns more (this is what I would do if I were coaching you.) Get every single puzzle piece out and turn them until they (hopefully fit).<\/p>\n

Is it nightmare?<\/p>\n

Is it trauma-related?<\/p>\n

Is it growth-related?<\/p>\n

Is getting what he needs from you and his mother?<\/p>\n

Is something happening at school?<\/p>\n

As you sort this out, DO NOT DISCIPLINE him. Do not lock him away, send him away, etc. This is worsen the symptoms. Let him know that he can come to you whenever he wants, however he needs to, and that you will never be mad. 100% open door policy. See if this cannot relax his little panicked system.<\/p>\n

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The point is not to get him to sleep, per se. The point is to understand his interior world, as best you can.<\/p>\n

Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\u2014\u00a0SEP 09, 2015 11:15 EDT<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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Q:\u00a0Apologizing to kids<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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Again, I am a foreigner and am trying to understand how parenting works in the US. I wonder if apologizing to kids when you didn’t do anything wrong is normal in this country. My girlfriend apologizes to her kid when he feels bad after she highlights some of his shortcomings. Thanks!!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Errr, ummm. Highlights his shortcomings? Like, “Oh, sorry I hurt your feelings, but you suck at putting laundry away?”<\/p>\n

I don’t get it.<\/p>\n

“Highlighting shortcomings” sounds like a passive aggressive way of insulting someone, and then the apology is a “sorry-not sorry” move.<\/p>\n

If a child is hitting a sibling, and you say, “STOP” and then remove the child, that is discipline.<\/p>\n

If your child is not cleaning his room and he needs to, saying, “buddy, it’s time to clean. You can do it on your own or I can help you,” is guidance and direction.<\/p>\n

But highlighting shortcomings sounds like, “you are short and run slowly in soccer.”<\/p>\n

Or, “yes, you struggle in math and will forever, but of well.”<\/p>\n

Shortcomings sound like negative characteristic traits, and when parents highlight them, only one thing happens: shame.<\/p>\n

Hence, the parental apology.<\/p>\n

So, I don’t parents need to highlight shortcomings. Then, there is nothing to apologize for.<\/p>\n

Done and done.<\/p>\n

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Q:\u00a0Wandering 4 year old<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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Hi, – I’ve got three kids – 13(girl) 8 (boy) and 4(girl). My 4 year old is at that crazy 4 year old stage – bossing everyone around while testing all the limits. She’s funny and willful, and thinks she knows it all already. She’s a sweet kid with a terrible habit: she wanders off. I’ve lost her twice now in the past year or so. Once in Target, where one minute she was looking at books with her siblings and the next, she had slipped away, grabbed a movie DVD and a bag of candy and was headed towards the exit before the store personnel helped me track her down. The second time was this past week when she got lost at an elementary school open house at her brother’s school. She raced after her brother and got lost in the crowd of kids and parents. We had her name announced over the intercom and other parents and school personnel helped me locate her. She was scared and crying. I just hugged her and told her I was so glad she was safe. Later I gently reminded her that she needs to stay with me so she doesn’t get lost. But it doesn’t seem to have made much of a dent. It makes me reluctant to take all three of them with me; as it is hard to keep a super-close eye on her when there are three of them. Any suggestions? She seems more independent at this age than her siblings were, but she’s the youngest and has always been determined to try and keep up with them.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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I just wrote an article about reining in the child whom we just cannot trust yet.<\/p>\n

And this is REALLY true for this little nugget.<\/p>\n

She has demonstrated OVER AND OVER that she will wander, so she needs to be holding your hand or the cart 24\/7.<\/p>\n

And that is that.<\/p>\n

This may bring about some fits from her, but just hold strong.<\/p>\n

She is holding your hand, your cart, or your pocket the entire time.<\/p>\n

Done.<\/p>\n

This is your mantra: “It is mommy’s job to keep you safe. This is what we’re doing.”<\/p>\n

Done, done, done.<\/p>\n

Hold this boundary now so that when she is older, she knows she can trust your boundaries.<\/p>\n

As she matures, you loosen the reins.<\/p>\n

But this is for you to decide and for her to obey. She doesn’t call the shots, you do.<\/p>\n

Don’t get mad at her or lecture her or try to reason with her.<\/p>\n

This is the rule. You are the parent.<\/p>\n

Done and done.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0Inappropriate comments by 6 year old<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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My 6 year old is suddenly obsessed with talking about having boyfriends, and things being “sexy”. I’m sure she picked it up watching some crap on TV that we let slip by, but it is getting a bit out of control? How do we get her to stop without drawing unnecessary attention to it, which may prompt her to do it more?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Ugggg.<\/p>\n

Sexy-talk. I hate it. It makes me see red when I hear little girls doing it.<\/p>\n

I shake my fist at the sky and think our culture is going to hell in a handbasket and the whole thing.<\/p>\n

BUT.<\/p>\n

You know your child and it sounds like if you do the whole, “WE DON’T DO SEXY TALK IN THIS HOUSE,” thing, she is going to up her game, big time.<\/p>\n

So, ignore it.<\/p>\n

Literally. Pretend like she didn’t say it and move the conversation along to, oh, I don’t know, SCIENCE, MATH, and anything else NOT BODY RELATED. HA!<\/p>\n

No, but seriously, this is not really a crisis…so just roll with it and keep the crap off the TV.<\/p>\n

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Q:\u00a0anxiety and OCD<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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My 10.5 year old has been experiencing anxiety and OCD. Her pediatrician has done an evaluation and found low vitamin D, but nothing else. She’s been seeing a therapist and has been happy to talk about her “problems” (her word) and learn some techniques to deal with them. I guess I just wonder if you have any general advice or things to look for\/try? We’re early on in treatment, but the start of the school year’s added stress is exacerbating things a bit. Mornings and bedtime are particularly tough, especially when we are on a schedule, have homework, etc., but she has some mental things she just needs to get through\/deal with (like general worrying and also OCD behavior).<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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I know it sounds counter-productive (and ALWAYS ask her therapist), but allow a little bit of time for her to work out her OCD stuff in the transition times.<\/p>\n

So, anxiety and OCD symptoms get worse when stress goes up, right? But if she has enough time to get some of her OCD stuff out, she may not feel the need to do ALL of it…does this make sense?<\/p>\n

Also, can there be some time found to get in nature?<\/p>\n

There are breathing techniques and all sorts of stuff, but staring at trees (seriously, Google it) relieves stress of all sorts and speeds healing. Truly.<\/p>\n

Go ahead and do it with her. 5 minutes of tree watching. Just sitting there.<\/p>\n

And give her a little bit of power…when does she want to do her homework? After school? After dinner? In the morning? Try to support while giving her the decision making power.<\/p>\n

Many parents of anxious children, while well-meaning, cluck and worry and coo around their kids so much that they end up keeping the child in an ever-stressed state.<\/p>\n

Try to keep the vibe at home super-chill. One of trust (even in the face of doubt).<\/p>\n

Trees and faith.<\/p>\n

\ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0can I gush?<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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Love these chats. I am nearly 70 and I have only 1 grandchild – a 3 y.o. girl. Modern parenting advice seems to be against giving compliments child “you are so smart, you are so gorgeous…” but she IS gorgeous and I’m crazy about her. Is it ok for grandma to gush (at least sometimes) if parents do a great job of avoiding the “you are so…” in favor of “great job” comments?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Amy Joyce<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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I just have to say: I love this. (And in my opinion: Go grandma!)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Grandma, here is a BIG KISS AND HUG FROM ME.<\/p>\n

You gush away.<\/p>\n

My mom-mom still gushes to this day and there were days, in the adolescence, that that saved my life. I mean it. She believed that I was beautiful, pure of heart, smart as a whip, the kindest, the best. Without reservation.<\/p>\n

And when I hated myself and I was failing and I was ugly and lying and being horrible, I would think of my mom-mom, and I would be BETTER for HER. It was like a lifeline of hope. She saw in me what I could not see…until I got older and could see it.<\/p>\n

You gush away, dammit.<\/p>\n

And gush some more.<\/p>\n

That’s what grandma’s are for. And cookies and mints and cards with $5 in them.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a05 year old calling the shots<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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When you give advice like “She has demonstrated OVER AND OVER that she will wander, so she needs to be holding your hand or the cart 24\/7. And that is that. This may bring about some fits from her, but just hold strong. She is holding your hand, your cart, or your pocket the entire time. Done.” I wonder hot to make a child do this if she does not want to. Our child might hold hands with no problem, or she might pitch a fit which would prevent me from getting anything accomplished other than turning around and going home. It is one thing if she has some skin in the game. Then I can say if you don’t do x,y,z then we have to go home and not go to your play date, but if I am trying to go to Costco, she likely does not want to go anyway, so threatening to go home only serves her purpose. Then what do you do? Leave her screaming on the floor until she stops and holds your hand? Walk away? How do you handle this?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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“Leave her screaming on the floor until she stops and holds your hand?”<\/p>\n

Yes.<\/p>\n

You will be suprised how quickly it will happen when she sees you are not messing around.<\/p>\n

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Q:\u00a0Support through friend drama<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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How do we best support children through friend drama? I am really, really trying to work on just practicing empathetic listening rather than offering advice (in all aspects of my life, not just parenting), but I find it most difficult in this area because my daughter (8) is hurting from it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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When my child had friend drama last year, the listening and empathy part of so painful.<\/p>\n

I wanted to give these other kids a scolding.<\/p>\n

I also wanted to call their parents and ask them what the heck is wrong with them.<\/p>\n

Of course, I did not.<\/p>\n

I wanted to tell my daughter what to do at school, but I couldn’t that either.<\/p>\n

What I did do:<\/p>\n

1) I told my daughter that we would not be talking to those children outside of school. Period. I wasn’t having it.<\/p>\n

2) And that I would call the school counselor (if my daughter wanted) and I would support my daughter seeing her.<\/p>\n

My daughter eventually worked it all out, but uggg. It stunk.<\/p>\n

Keep going.<\/p>\n

Focus on strengthening your daughter….she’ll get there.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0toddler naptime<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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Please please help. Naptime has become an hour(s) long battle with my 2 year old, especially on the day I pick her up after preschool. She goes down fine for the nanny, but will not\/cannot settle for me or daddy, even when so exhausted that she’s jerking her body around (she’ll eventually fall asleep on a drive–in fact, she sometimes eventually asks for one). While I’m thankful that bedtime isn’t this bad any more, I need to end the naptime battle. I’ve tried laying down with her (which works at bedtime), but that turns into hop on mommy time. Any suggestions? Should I just put her to bed with a stack of books (and read my own) next to her? I’m exhausted by this.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Yes, my heavens.<\/p>\n

Path of least resistance here.<\/p>\n

You cannot make her sleep. You just cannot. So read together. Watch a movie together. Just rest. Stop forcing. It isn’t working. Let go of your end of rope on this struggle.<\/p>\n

I know, this stinks, but she will grow soon and not nap at all!<\/p>\n

\ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0leave her screaming on the floor<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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I just can’t agree with that advice. A parent is causing disruption and disturbance to everyone else in that place by letting the child scream. A parent must remove a child who is making such a scene.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Sure, yeah okay. Go to the car, go to the parking lot.<\/p>\n

But Costco or a grocery store? Meh. Screaming kids happen. If people don’t like it, poor them.<\/p>\n

If it’s screaming or a lost child, I pick screaming and I don’t care what other people think.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0Super whiny 14 month old<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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My 14 month old is constantly whining\/crying when I (mom) walk into the room. She gets excited to see me and then immediately stops walking towards me and plops down on the floor and starts whining and crying until I pick her up. She does this every time and it has come to a point that I am getting frustrated because I can’t leave a room or get a glass of water without her getting upset. And when I try to comfort her by sitting with her, she gets even worse and starts throwing a tantrum.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Pick her up before she whines and see if this all stops.<\/p>\n

Beat her to it.<\/p>\n

Does that make sense?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0Apologizing to kids II<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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Thanks for your very useful responses. I appreciated them. Re. “highlighting shortcomings”, let’s say that I mis-explained the situation. What about “highlighting real misbehavior and then apologizing because the kid feels bad” – just for the sake of making him feel better?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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If she disciplines the child kindly and apologizes because he doesn’t like it = not good.<\/p>\n

If she disciplines him using shame and harshness, and then needs to apologize = not good either.<\/p>\n

Discipline kindly and firmly and move on without apology.<\/p>\n

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Q:\u00a0Real wisdom<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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Meghan, as a Mother whose children are all grown-up and on their own now, I would like to tell you that I wish I had had access to your thoughts when my sons were young. Your advice is the stuff young parents (like I was) who are not taught how to be good parents (as I was not, but wanted so much, and tried so hard, to be) can benefit so very much from learning. Thank you,<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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THANK YOU.<\/p>\n

And I am betting you did a great job without being a taught a thing.<\/p>\n

We all learn on the job. \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q:\u00a0Sleepless Nights<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n
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Hello, my husband and I have a 19 month old boy that used to sleep soundly through the night. For the past few months he’s been waking up and crying in the middle of the night. We’ll usually wait a few minutes before going in there and sometimes he’ll settle down and go back to sleep other times he won’t. I do go in I check his pj’s to see if he’s wet, and if not, I’ll pick him up and rub his back. I don’t talk or sing or make it fun which is what I’ve read we should do. Sometimes he goes back down without a fight other times it starts all over again. Sometimes I can just lay him down, rub his back and do the shhhh method until he quiets down. I’m currently working the midnight shift so my husband is alone with him during the evening and now the sole parent to deal with the crying. He’s resorted to bringing him into bed with him immediately so everyone can get back to sleep as soon as they can as he works during the day. The last few nights have been consistently bad and I think he’s creating bad habits by doing this but I can’t really say anything since I’m not there to help. We do have a bedtime routine of dinner, bath, books, cuddles\/songs and he goes to bed awake but groggy and usually falls asleep just fine with his blanket and animals. Any suggestions on what to do and why this is happening? I know he’s getting older and more aware of his surroundings. I read your columns regularly and I can tell you this kid has no shortage of love and attention. He’s our first and only at the moment and the apple of our eyes. Any advice would be much appreciated! Thank you!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A:\u00a0Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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I am not reading that you are doing anything wrong here.<\/p>\n

Let him settle himself down (as you are).<\/p>\n

Try to resist allowing him to come into bed (unless you are cool with that dynamic).<\/p>\n

Keep going…it’s hard…but allow for a little more time before you go in when he awakens.<\/p>\n

Above all, try to trust your instincts.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Amy Joyce<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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That does it for today. If your question wasn’t answered here, keep an eye out for Meghan’s column — she may answer it there. Her column appears online every Wednesday and in print in Local Living every Thursday. Meghan can also be found through her coaching at\u00a0PositivelyParenting.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n

I wrote a story this week about\u00a0trying to let kids be individuals<\/a>, and there’s a ton on our blog.<\/p>\n

Visit us on\u00a0Facebook at On Parenting<\/a>, Twitter\u00a0@OnParenting<\/a>\u00a0and at\u00a0washingtonpost.com\/onparenting<\/a>.<\/p>\n

We’ll see you back here on the 23rd!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Amy Joyce Let’s see. Welcome back to school? Happy end of summer? In many ways, I’m sure you were ready for it, but also a bit melancholy. (Just me? Am I projecting here?) Aaaanyway, lots of questions await for Meghan, so we’re going to get started. Make sure to check out Meghan’s latest at\u00a0washingtonpost.com\/onparenting\u00a0and give us a\u00a0like on Facebook\u00a0so you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[301],"tags":[163,63,291,292],"class_list":["post-2234","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-washington-post","tag-boundaries","tag-sleep-2","tag-tantrums","tag-wandering"],"yoast_head":"\nOn Parenting: Meghan Leahy, Amy Joyce take questions about parenting 9\/9\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/on-parenting-meghan-leahy-amy-joyce-take-questions-about-parenting-9915\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"On Parenting: Meghan Leahy, Amy Joyce take questions about parenting 9\/9\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Amy Joyce Let’s see. 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