{"id":243,"date":"2011-09-14T16:21:34","date_gmt":"2011-09-14T20:21:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.positivelyparenting.com\/?p=243"},"modified":"2015-12-04T12:46:47","modified_gmt":"2015-12-04T17:46:47","slug":"the-kennedy-clan-should-read-this-blog-thoughts-of-temperament-and-favoritism","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/childhood-behavior\/the-kennedy-clan-should-read-this-blog-thoughts-of-temperament-and-favoritism\/","title":{"rendered":"Thoughts on Temperament and Favoritism"},"content":{"rendered":"
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We can fill books with the stories: \u201cMom bought you that bike after you left it out and it rusted, and I couldn\u2019t even get new FLIP-FLOPS when the dog ate them!\u201d\u00a0 or\u00a0 \u201cIt was always all about you and your travelling soccer team!\u00a0 Dad never even CAME to my art shows, but he cheered you on EVERY weekend.\u201d\u00a0 And the stories get worse as adults, don\u2019t they?\u00a0 Stories of siblings being left out of wills, stories of jealousy so rank that entire families are torn apart.\u00a0 Unwanted behaviors become wild antics to garner attention, and those are the adults at Christmastime!<\/p>\n

Favoritism and its wide wake is a story as old as time.\u00a0 Cain and Abel, those brothers felt God (the DAD<\/span>) was favoring one of them.\u00a0 King Lear<\/em>?\u00a0 Asking the daughters to describe their love for good \u2018ol Dad.\u00a0 And Frasier and Niles Crane in Frasier<\/em>\u00a0gave their best lines while fighting about affection, per their father. \u00a0And The Brady Bunch<\/em>\u00a0is famous for its sibling spats, and book after book after book has been written about politics, families, and sibling in-fighting (the Kennedy Family and Bush Clan come to mind).<\/p>\n

In Janice D\u2019Arcy<\/a>\u2019s recent article<\/a>, she discusses a new book about siblings, rivalry, and what those bonds reveal.\u00a0 In the book, the author shows us the science of how parents, often unknowingly, favor one sibling over another.\u00a0 The author goes on to say that little can be done about this; it is a stew of complexity that cannot be overcome.<\/p>\n

Well, as a parent coach, I want to have a crack at this.<\/p>\n

We are not going to undo genetics nor unweave the complexities of the unconscious.\u00a0 Yet, I do<\/em> believe that simply understanding temperament<\/a> (traits your child are born with and keep his entire life) and its implications can help parents become aware, hence helping to change their own outlook on the child.\u00a0 Sounds hard?\u00a0 Yes and no.<\/p>\n

Understanding temperament is not that difficult.\u00a0 It is a list of traits that researchers believe you are born<\/em> with; it is not environmental (at least outside of the uterus), it is not dependant on parental love, your birth experience, whether someone holds you enough, etc.\u00a0 It is your essence, your outlook, your je ne sais quoi.<\/em><\/p>\n

Parent favoritism exists, oftentimes, because a parent \u201cmeshes\u201d better or more with one of the children; and\/or the parent seems to really \u201cnot get along\u201d with one of their children: undiagnosed temperament differences!<\/p>\n

While biology is the driving force in your temperament, though, how it plays out in your family is crucially important.\u00a0 Let me give you an example:<\/p>\n

My first daughter (S) was (and is) a friendly, sometimes anxious, easy-going child.\u00a0 And as a baby, she seemed \u201cnormal\u201d and was not difficult to soothe, sleep, comfort, etc.\u00a0 As she grew into toddlerhood, I noticed more and more that she stood back and watched the other children at the park.\u00a0 She watched them play, slide, dig, run, and swing.\u00a0 After a while, and with a lot of coaxing, she would join in.\u00a0 Sometimes she would return to me after a couple of minutes (much to my complete annoyance), and sometimes she would meet one little girl, \u201ca friend,\u201d with whom she could run.\u00a0 As S grew, she had many friends, but same as the playground, she did not easily slip into the school environment.\u00a0 She watched and waited, waited and watched.<\/p>\n

This drove me nuts.\u00a0 I can walk into a room and talk to anyone<\/em> about anything<\/em>.\u00a0 I can talk about any topic (even if I know nothing about it), I love to listen to people, and make others laugh.\u00a0 I have always been this way.\u00a0 Doesn\u2019t mean I always do this, mind you, but I can.\u00a0 It is easy.\u00a0 So I struggled mightily with this shy behavior.\u00a0 Was I doing something wrong?\u00a0 Was I not socializing her enough?\u00a0 Was she developing normally?\u00a0 I was so annoyed by it\u2026was I bad mother?<\/p>\n

It took a while, but after some help and some reading, I realized S and I had very difference temperaments.\u00a0 The temperament trait of \u201cApproach\/Withdrawal\u201d, \u201cthe child’s usual response to new people or situations\u2014whether the child is eager for new experiences or shy and hesitant,\u201d<\/a> was a crucial piece of temperament for me to understand.\u00a0 I was quick to approach; she was slow to approach.\u00a0 Suddenly, like the sun parting through clouds, all was clear.\u00a0 There was nothing \u201cwrong\u201d with S or me; we were simply different in temperament.<\/p>\n

Armed with my information, I allowed my daughter to be who she was (and is) and well, left her alone.\u00a0 I quietly encouraged and stood by, but I largely got out of the way and S made friends and played her<\/em> way, which is the only way she was going to play anyway.\u00a0 I was no longer racked with guilt or fear, and I no longer disrespectfully forced her into situations prematurely.\u00a0 Imagine the relief and release felt in our relationship; it was revelatory.<\/p>\n

So, what if you are not meshing with your child?\u00a0 Chances are pretty good you may be lacking a \u201cgoodness of fit,<\/a>\u201d vis-\u00e0-vis temperament.\u00a0 Here are some tips for what to do:<\/p>\n