{"id":2624,"date":"2015-10-07T20:20:09","date_gmt":"2015-10-08T00:20:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.positivelyparenting.com\/?p=2292"},"modified":"2016-01-08T13:47:46","modified_gmt":"2016-01-08T18:47:46","slug":"i-dont-want-my-kid-to-become-a-bully-10715","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-dont-want-my-kid-to-become-a-bully-10715\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018I don\u2019t want my kid to become a bully\u2019 10\/7\/15"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\nQ: My kindergartner is upset at a classmate about a minor incident that occurred on the first day of school. Since then I have witnessed my child saying mean things, excluding and being rude to the other child. I was told by the teacher that it is happening at school, also. My child is still angry and I don\u2019t want to minimize those feelings, but I don\u2019t want my kid to become a bully. We talked about it being okay to feel mad and said that everyone doesn\u2019t have to be friends, but it isn\u2019t okay to be rude and mean to people. Any suggestions would be appreciated.<\/p>\n

A: Thank you for writing in. I think many, many parents are experiencing friendship \u201cdrama\u201d earlier and earlier in their children\u2019s lives, and it is off-putting, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

There are a variety of ways we can look at this, but to begin, my eyes keep looking at the word \u201cminor.\u201d \u201cMy kindergartner is upset at a classmate about a minor incident that occurred on the first day of school.\u201d<\/p>\n

My question is, minor for whom? Often parents decide that whatever perturbs a child is trivial, minor or unimportant. As parents, we have the birds\u2019-eye view of the matter, as well as the wisdom: We know that no offense was meant or that the other child didn\u2019t know better, that it was all a misunderstanding, and so on and so forth.<\/p>\n

The thing is, your child may not feel like the tussle was unimportant. Your child may feel truly put out, angry and resentful. And one way to ensure that grudges stick and children get more entrenched in their view is to tell them, \u201cIt\u2019s no big deal.\u201d Another way to ensure more bad behavior is to treat their feelings as \u201cminor.\u201d<\/p>\n

Many children, especially sensitive and very immature (ie: young) children, perceive insult and affront where there is none. Why? Well, the immature mind sees the world in black and white. We are friends, or we are not. You are with me or you are against me. And to add to that, many children (sensitive or not) are not reading the tea leaves correctly. Young children are a little self-absorbed, for lack of a better word. Issues with other children don\u2019t have another context. Young children don\u2019t say to themselves, \u201cWell, geez. Let me give Tommy a break here. He\u2019s been working hard to learn how to read. .\u2009.\u2009. Maybe he\u2019s tired. I shouldn\u2019t be so mean to him.\u201d<\/p>\n

No. A young child goes straight to hurt and defense. They simply don\u2019t have perspective.<\/p>\n

In other words: Your son is still angry about what happened, and those feelings need to come out.<\/p>\n

So first, stop being afraid of him becoming a bully. Is it great that he is mean to this kid in school? No. Does that make him a bully? No. Americans are borderline obsessed with bullying, and we throw that label onto children too casually.<\/p>\n

Second, now that you are not afraid of bullying, you can allow all of his feelings to come out at home. Rather than having a big sit-down, I would join him in an activity and just begin to chat about the incident. Maybe while kicking a soccer ball you mention, \u201cI understand why you are still angry at Justin. If my friend did that, I would be really angry, too.\u201d Then, stop talking and see if he picks up the thread of conversation.<\/p>\n

Another great way to help children identify their feelings is to tell a story about that time when you were 6 and you really were really hurt, so you were mean to someone. There are so many books that tell similar stories to this; hurt feelings are the topic of hundreds of thousands of children\u2019s books. Go the library together and find one.<\/p>\n

As you are doing any of this, look for a flicker of recognition in his eye. Look for the \u201cYeah! Me, too!\u201d This recognition is a sign that his brain is beginning to think about itself (amazing, really), and this is your foothold into a larger conversation about feelings.<\/p>\n

If there isn\u2019t this recognition yet, don\u2019t panic. He\u2019s young! His brain is still working on this, and will continue to do so for years and years to come. There is plenty of time to circle around and talk about feelings.<\/p>\n

So, no matter what, don\u2019t push, coerce or pry feelings out of a child (or any human, for that matter). Simply keep making the room for him to share what is in his heart.<\/p>\n

And this entire time, it is absolutely appropriate to be reiterating your family values. For instance, in my house, my partner and I say, \u201cYou don\u2019t have to like everyone, but we can still be kind to everyone.\u201d Sometimes kindness looks like staying away from certain people. Sometimes kindness looks like avoiding fights. \u201cAnd,\u201d we always say, \u201cyou can always come home and tell us how much you don\u2019t like someone. That is okay.\u201d<\/p>\n

Again, your family values are not a substitute for your son having his feelings, but these values do sink in over the years.<\/p>\n

As for school, let the teachers know you are working on this issue at home and ask them to help you. The teachers don\u2019t need to say anything, just keep a closer and supportive eye on your son. If the two kids are beginning to get testy with each other, the teachers can easily step in and separate them with little discussion.<\/p>\n

The most positive act would be for the teachers to identify the children\u2019s emotions and feelings, rather than labeling the behavior as mean or bullying. The former helps children understand themselves; the latter causes shame.<\/p>\n

Whatever you do, give your son time, a bit of humor, and lots of empathy. Good luck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q: My kindergartner is upset at a classmate about a minor incident that occurred on the first day of school. Since then I have witnessed my child saying mean things, excluding and being rude to the other child. I was told by the teacher that it is happening at school, also. My child is still angry and I don\u2019t want […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[301],"tags":[268,322,380,273,305],"class_list":["post-2624","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-washington-post","tag-anger","tag-behavior","tag-bullying","tag-development","tag-friendship"],"yoast_head":"\n\u2018I don\u2019t want my kid to become a bully\u2019 10\/7\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When a child is having trouble letting go of a grudge, Meghan advises a parent who wants to avoid bullying to make room for his feelings and find ways to start a dialogue.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-dont-want-my-kid-to-become-a-bully-10715\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"\u2018I don\u2019t want my kid to become a bully\u2019 10\/7\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When a child is having trouble letting go of a grudge, Meghan advises a parent who wants to avoid bullying to make room for his feelings and find ways to start a dialogue.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-dont-want-my-kid-to-become-a-bully-10715\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2015-10-08T00:20:09+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2016-01-08T18:47:46+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-dont-want-my-kid-to-become-a-bully-10715\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-dont-want-my-kid-to-become-a-bully-10715\/\",\"name\":\"\u2018I don\u2019t want my kid to become a bully\u2019 10\/7\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2015-10-08T00:20:09+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-01-08T18:47:46+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"When a child is having trouble letting go of a grudge, Meghan advises a parent who wants to avoid bullying to make room for his feelings and find ways to start a dialogue.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-dont-want-my-kid-to-become-a-bully-10715\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-dont-want-my-kid-to-become-a-bully-10715\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/i-dont-want-my-kid-to-become-a-bully-10715\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"\u2018I don\u2019t want my kid to become a bully\u2019 10\/7\/15\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. 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