{"id":2625,"date":"2015-10-26T15:33:12","date_gmt":"2015-10-26T19:33:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.positivelyparenting.com\/?p=2306"},"modified":"2016-01-08T13:37:04","modified_gmt":"2016-01-08T18:37:04","slug":"a-tween-impervious-to-the-stink-eye-101415","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-tween-impervious-to-the-stink-eye-101415\/","title":{"rendered":"A tween impervious to the stink-eye 10\/14\/15"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\nQ: I frequently catch my 10-year-old son being rude to grown-ups. We model \u201cplease\u201d and \u201cthank you\u201d in our home, and I always correct him when I see it, but other than that, what can I do? I\u2019m trying very hard not to raise a rude child. Is this just \u201ctweenness\u201d? I would ask the same question about kindness. Sometimes I see him behaving in a manner I would describe as unkind.<\/p>\n

A: When I first read this question, all I could think of is my mother\u2019s stink-eye.<\/p>\n

My brother and I would be kicking each other under the table at a fancy white-cloth restaurant, and when an older person would stop the table to say a friendly hello, my mother would stare at us with death rays shooting from her eyeballs. The message of this powerful stink-eye was crystal clear: \u201cYou address this elderly gentlemen with good manners! Smile and shake his hand. NOW.\u201d<\/p>\n

And has she passed down the stink-eye to me? You bet. If my children are looking sullen or annoyed or bored and an adult comes to meet them, they are to sit up and be polite.<\/p>\n

Mostly.<\/p>\n

I say \u201cmostly\u201d because the truth is (and this was true of my mother\u2019s message, too) that you don\u2019t want to force a young child to hug or smile or make eye contact with adults that the children don\u2019t know (or sometimes do know for that matter). While teaching manners is important, you can\u2019t do it at the cost of the child feeling safe. It is disrespectful.<\/p>\n

What the stink-eye really does is serve as a warning. It is the same as raising your voice ever so slightly when the child is edging toward danger or a mistake. The stink-eye is the arched eyebrow you send your child as he reaches for another cookie and makes eye contact with you. The stink-eye is when you say your child\u2019s name sharply as he goes to push his sister.<\/p>\n

These acts: changing your voice, raising an eyebrow, the stink-eye, enunciating the name, are all meant to trigger a low level of alarm in the child. The child\u2019s brain is meant to snap to, to say, \u201cOh! Mom is saying, \u2018Watch it!\u2019 I better stop!\u201d<\/p>\n

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this little dose of alarm; it is how we humans work. It is meant to keep us safe from both physical and emotional harm.<\/p>\n

Why am I writing about stink-eye and alarm in regards to your son? Well, I am trying to figure out what is going wrong with him. It sounds as if something is a bit broken in his alarm system.<\/p>\n

Adults assume that, because he is 10 years old, he is going to \u201cknow better.\u201d But something is amiss here, and we can\u2019t chalk everything up to \u201ctweenness.\u201d In most cultures (ours included, even though we are pretty lax here), it is rather taboo to be rude to adults. It is pushing a cultural norm that places him on the fringe of society, his peer group and his family.<\/p>\n

So, I have a couple of questions here:<\/p>\n

\u00a01. Is he being \u201crude,\u201d or is he using 10-year-old humor that is actually permissible? Are the adults okay with his humor, but you are not? I am essentially asking: Are your standards in line with what is really happening?<\/div>\n

2. In this same vein of thought: Is your son very shy or sensitive? Is making eye contact, forcing conversation, shaking hands difficult for him? With everyone he meets, young and old? If this is the case, any form of forced conversation doesn\u2019t just cause a little alarm in your son, it causes a full panic.<\/p>\n

And a little primer for parents of sensitive children (and many typical children as well): the more they are corrected, forced to speak and make eye contact, the more stink-eye they are given, the more their names are said in a critical and harsh way, the more the brain flies into panic. It is simply too much negative sensory information for their easily triggered brains, and at some point the brain will move the child from panic into defense. This is when the child either will refuse to make eye contact or, in some cases, will begin to lash out.<\/p>\n

I simply don\u2019t know what is happening with your son here.<\/p>\n

If he is truly being rude and unkind (and this is not a case of misreading shyness or sensitivity), then something more insidious is happening.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know how to advise you without more details, but here is what\u2019s not going to go well:<\/p>\n

Constant critiques of his behavior. Clearly, this isn\u2019t working, so stop it. In fact, I am hard-pressed to come up with a positive example of anyone improving from constant critiques.<\/p>\n

Forcing him to interact with other adults. Let\u2019s stop placing him in situations where he can become \u201crude or unkind.”<\/p>\n

Using anger, threats, punishments, or any shame-based parenting techniques. Again, he is not showing that his alarm system is working correctly, so these techniques will push his brain to become more and more defensive, causing more shut-down or lashing out.<\/p>\n

Instead, focus not on his behavior toward others as much as slowing everything down to fully understand this young man.<\/p>\n

What are the dynamics at play here?<\/p>\n

What does he truly need?<\/p>\n

Please proceed with patience, deep compassion, and strong hope.<\/p>\n

Good luck.<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q: I frequently catch my 10-year-old son being rude to grown-ups. We model \u201cplease\u201d and \u201cthank you\u201d in our home, and I always correct him when I see it, but other than that, what can I do? I\u2019m trying very hard not to raise a rude child. Is this just \u201ctweenness\u201d? I would ask the same question about kindness. Sometimes […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[301],"tags":[448,322,381,382],"class_list":["post-2625","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-washington-post","tag-attitude","tag-behavior","tag-rudeness","tag-tweens"],"yoast_head":"\nA tween impervious to the stink-eye 10\/14\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Meghan digs a little deeper with a mother who is concerned about her tween son's perceived rudeness to adults and is occasionally mean to others.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-tween-impervious-to-the-stink-eye-101415\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A tween impervious to the stink-eye 10\/14\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Meghan digs a little deeper with a mother who is concerned about her tween son's perceived rudeness to adults and is occasionally mean to others.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-tween-impervious-to-the-stink-eye-101415\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2015-10-26T19:33:12+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2016-01-08T18:37:04+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-tween-impervious-to-the-stink-eye-101415\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-tween-impervious-to-the-stink-eye-101415\/\",\"name\":\"A tween impervious to the stink-eye 10\/14\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2015-10-26T19:33:12+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-01-08T18:37:04+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"Meghan digs a little deeper with a mother who is concerned about her tween son's perceived rudeness to adults and is occasionally mean to others.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-tween-impervious-to-the-stink-eye-101415\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-tween-impervious-to-the-stink-eye-101415\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-tween-impervious-to-the-stink-eye-101415\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"A tween impervious to the stink-eye 10\/14\/15\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. 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