{"id":2769,"date":"2016-01-06T22:05:11","date_gmt":"2016-01-07T03:05:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=2769"},"modified":"2016-01-12T11:58:57","modified_gmt":"2016-01-12T16:58:57","slug":"this-fed-up-aunt-wants-to-cut-off-the-holiday-gift-train-121615","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/this-fed-up-aunt-wants-to-cut-off-the-holiday-gift-train-121615\/","title":{"rendered":"This fed-up aunt wants to cut off the holiday gift train 12\/16\/15"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q: My in-laws came to stay at my house over Thanksgiving. My husband and I do not have children. Although I cannot imagine having three children all the time, the whole visit was (and is always) frustrating for me. At the end of the visit, my niece (7, the oldest of the three staying with us) told my husband that $10 was not enough money for Christmas and she wanted more. When asked why she wants more money, she said she deserves it. I was shocked, especially because a present is a gift, not a right. In all the years we\u2019ve been sending this family gifts for Christmas, we have never once received a thank-you note from any of the kids. I\u2019m considering calling my sister-in-law and telling her we are not sending Christmas gifts to any of the kids. My husband doesn\u2019t care either way, but he agrees that a child asking for more money is rude and ungrateful. I don\u2019t care about the money so much as the principle of gratitude, which clearly has not been taught. I was raised so differently \u2014 thank-you notes were a requirement before we were allowed to spend any gift money. Even before I was old enough to write a note, I would draw a picture and send it. What is the best way to handle this situation?<\/p>\n

A: There is nothing like the holiday season to bring out people\u2019s absolute best and most giving nature. It can also bring out the worst in people. The holidays have a way of exposing and highlighting expectations and hopes in a way that leaves people feeling confused, angry and extremely frustrated. W e have that going on here in this unpleasant scenario.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s unpack the issues: We have three young children who do not show thanks for the gifts they have received. We have the cheeky 7-year-old who asked for more money because \u201cshe deserves it,\u201d and we have a history of zero thank-you letters. You are hurt and sick of it and are considering calling the sister-in-law (an act of war, for sure) to inform her you will no longer send gifts.<\/p>\n

From the children\u2019s point of view, let me defend them. Yes, the 7-year-old was sassy and sounded bratty, but you missed a beautiful opportunity to begin an interesting discussion. A 7-year-old is on the brink of understanding her mind and close to demonstrating maturity. It could have been fruitful to ask, \u201cTell me, what do you think makes someone deserving?\u201d This is not asked to provoke an argument but instead to investigate what is happening in her mind. What you may have discovered is that she actually doesn\u2019t understand \u201cdeserving.\u201d She wants more because more feels good, and, true, maybe her parents are not saying \u201cno\u201d enough. But you could have come away with empathy for her and perhaps even had a surprising exchange about the concept of earning a reward, what gifts are and why people may or may not deserve things. All of these issues are gray, morally speaking, and I love seeing 7-year-olds grapple with such concepts. They can have some pretty cool ideas.<\/p>\n

But it is also pretty normal for children this age to be myopic. They can definitely be sensitive to others\u2019 needs and feelings, but that sensitivity can quickly disappear. Younger children, developmentally speaking, are less likely to express genuine gratitude. They can mimic \u201cthank yous\u201d (and I don\u2019t think there is anything wrong with that, per se), but there is rarely earnestness behind it because of the immaturity of their brains.<\/p>\n

Do I think her parents are raising the children to be ultra-thoughtful? I don\u2019t know. It doesn\u2019t bode well that the eldest put out her palm for more money, but I have seen the kindest children who have the most gracious parents say and do some pretty ill-mannered things. We all have. And we can\u2019t be judged solely for our worst moments; we would all come out pretty ugly. So, let\u2019s give the kids a break. For now.<\/p>\n

I think you are genuinely angry with and hurt by your in-laws.<\/p>\n

You were raised to write letters of thanks and demonstrate appreciation. And, in a show of excellent parenting, your parents had you \u201cpracticing\u201d this before you even felt the real feelings of gratitude. Your parents did you a wonderful service. They helped instill a habit of thanking others; it is gracious, kind and important.<\/p>\n

That being said, you have to make some key decisions. If you decide to call your sister-in-law and tell her you are no longer sending gifts because she and her children are selfish, you have to be prepared for a fight \u2014 and family war. I cannot fathom how she will not take this personally and, hence, defensively. I strongly advise against this tactic. Blowing up a family over Christmas gifts and forced gratitude will become something you regret for years to come. Don\u2019t do it.<\/p>\n

Here are other options to consider:<\/p>\n

\u2022Donate a sum of money in each of the children\u2019s names to groups that your in-laws or children love. For instance, if the 7-year-old loves animals, make a donation to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals<\/a> in her name. If the 4-year-old loves firetrucks, make a donation to your local fire station. This way, you are giving back to society and will probably feel less worried about receiving thanks. Do this for your in-laws, too, and simply announce that, with how wild the world is feeling, this is what you wanted to do this year. The kids will think this is crappy, but oh well.<\/p>\n

\u2022Give them the gift of time. With three children, I am guessing that those children would love to go to a movie alone with their aunt. You can create a little certificate of overnights or movie nights or whatever you like. Make it fun.<\/p>\n

\u2022Last, give gifts with no expectations attached. This, to me, is the most mature act. Do not blame the children and do not take it personally if they act spoiled. Give the gifts, kiss them, smile and expect nothing. And to add to this maturity, find empathy for the mother. Maybe she is completely overwhelmed. Maybe she is battling health issues you don\u2019t know about. Maybe she is depressed. Maybe a big family has thrown her for a loop. Or maybe she is an ill-mannered brute. But she\u2019s family, and you should rise above it. In full disclosure, I love a good thank-you, but having a third child plus starting a business has reduced my notes to rushed emails. I am not proud of this, but the people who love me get it. Offer her your empathy. If you cannot go that far, offer her your lack of judgment.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q: My in-laws came to stay at my house over Thanksgiving. My husband and I do not have children. Although I cannot imagine having three children all the time, the whole visit was (and is always) frustrating for me. At the end of the visit, my niece (7, the oldest of the three staying with us) told my husband that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":2813,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,301],"tags":[267,516],"class_list":["post-2769","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-gratitude","tag-holiday-gift-giving"],"yoast_head":"\nThis fed-up aunt wants to cut off the holiday gift train 12\/16\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Meghan counsels a reader who is frustrated by the lack of gratitude shown by her nieces and nephews for their Holiday Gifts.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/this-fed-up-aunt-wants-to-cut-off-the-holiday-gift-train-121615\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"This fed-up aunt wants to cut off the holiday gift train 12\/16\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Meghan counsels a reader who is frustrated by the lack of gratitude shown by her nieces and nephews for their Holiday Gifts.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/this-fed-up-aunt-wants-to-cut-off-the-holiday-gift-train-121615\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-01-07T03:05:11+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2016-01-12T16:58:57+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/ML9-1.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"350\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"300\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/this-fed-up-aunt-wants-to-cut-off-the-holiday-gift-train-121615\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/this-fed-up-aunt-wants-to-cut-off-the-holiday-gift-train-121615\/\",\"name\":\"This fed-up aunt wants to cut off the holiday gift train 12\/16\/15 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2016-01-07T03:05:11+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-01-12T16:58:57+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"Meghan counsels a reader who is frustrated by the lack of gratitude shown by her nieces and nephews for their Holiday Gifts.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/this-fed-up-aunt-wants-to-cut-off-the-holiday-gift-train-121615\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/this-fed-up-aunt-wants-to-cut-off-the-holiday-gift-train-121615\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/this-fed-up-aunt-wants-to-cut-off-the-holiday-gift-train-121615\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"This fed-up aunt wants to cut off the holiday gift train 12\/16\/15\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. 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