{"id":2775,"date":"2016-01-07T21:11:32","date_gmt":"2016-01-08T02:11:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=2775"},"modified":"2016-01-14T20:55:57","modified_gmt":"2016-01-15T01:55:57","slug":"should-parents-push-a-reluctant-3-year-old-to-socialize-1616","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/childhood-behavior\/should-parents-push-a-reluctant-3-year-old-to-socialize-1616\/","title":{"rendered":"Should parents push a reluctant 3-year-old to socialize? 1\/6\/16"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q: My 3-year-old is somewhat shy and introverted. She socializes well enough at preschool, but on the weekends she just wants to hang out with family. As an introverted person myself, I\u2019m fine with that. My instinct is that full-time preschool is plenty of social time and it\u2019s okay to recharge with family time on the weekend, but my more extroverted husband disagrees. So I\u2019m wondering whether I should be arranging some play dates or more social activities.<\/p>\n

A: Thank you for this question, because many parents ask me about this. And when I read this, I see two questions: One is about introversion and one is about socialization of young children. Let\u2019s tackle introversion first.<\/p>\n

There is much recent research into introversion and how valuable it is in today\u2019s culture. Although Americans prize extroversion (bigger, better, louder, more!), many people are beginning to recognize that introversion has some positive qualities.<\/p>\n

Susan Cain, the author of \u201cQuiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can\u2019t Stop Talking<\/a>\u201d writes, \u201cIntroverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation.\u201d So, introverts are not people who are focused only on themselves or getting \u201cgratification from one\u2019s own interests.\u201d They often like deeper waters, closer friends and more in-depth conversations. They are often listeners, and we need those. Badly.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, Americans prize loud, opinionated and brash attitudes. We are a \u201cgo big or go home\u201d culture, and as Cain poignantly writes, \u201cIntroversion \u2014 along with its cousins sensitivity, seriousness, and shyness \u2014 is now a second-class personality trait, somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology. Introverts living in the Extrovert Ideal are like women in a man\u2019s world, discounted because of a trait that goes to the core of who they are. Extroversion is an enormously appealing personality style, but we\u2019ve turned it into an oppressive standard to which most of us feel we must conform.\u201d<\/p>\n

When we view introversion from this standpoint, of course your husband wants your daughter to have play dates. When it comes to socialization and extroversion, more IS more! Even ambivert parents (people who fall in the middle of intro- and extroversion) believe that children need to be socialized so that they can learn how to play and how to be with their peers.<\/p>\n

And here is where the waters get muddy.<\/p>\n

First, we don\u2019t really know (or I don\u2019t really know) whether your daughter is an introvert or just a normal 3-year-old.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s because it\u2019s 100 percent normal for a 3-year-old to show signs of shyness or want to be around only her family. Why? They are her closest attachments. If they traveled for work all week, gave loads of presentations, and shook countless hands, even the most extroverted people would want to come home and hole up with their closest family and friends. It is natural for humans to retreat to the safety of those they trust most, and when it comes to children, this is true a million times over.<\/p>\n

A 3-year-old is an especially amazing example because you are just beginning to see the blossoming of a true individual. The 3s are usually when parents begin to see the \u201cno\u2019s\u201d pick up, as well as the 3-year-old\u2019s understanding that she is truly separate from Mom and Dad. But more important than this separation, 3 is a time when a child is especially attached to her inner circle. It is normal to hear a 3-year-old say, \u201cThis is my mommy, this is my daddy.\u201d This is an age, as developmentalists call it, of \u201cbelonging and loyalty.\u201d When you zoom out, it makes complete sense. Before humans can become separate entities, they have to feel deeply rooted to their group. The deeper the roots, the taller and wider the tree (and the child\u2019s separateness).<\/p>\n

\u00a0So, this little girl is away from her key attachments all day at preschool, and sure, she may like the crafts, the other kids and the teachers, but they don\u2019t hold a candle to her parents. Contrary to what almost everyone thinks, children under 5 don\u2019t need to go to school to be socialized. You cannot force a child to be \u201csocialized\u201d any more than you can force a baby to walk. It happens when the time is right. And this will happen more with time and close connections with the parents and caregivers than by continually forcing children into schools at younger and younger ages.<\/div>\n

Does that mean a 3-year-old should not be in school? Or that it is bad for them? No, not necessarily. Because of our current culture, work schedules and more, it is often necessary to place children into a preschool or day-care situation. Many of these schools know that the primary need of a young child is to play, and they create wonderful environments for the children.<\/p>\n

The point is that, ultimately, the child\u2019s deepest desire is to be with her parents. With you. So if she gets to the weekend and wants only you, then you go with it. It is not putting off \u201csocialization\u201d or holding her back in any way. It is recharging attachment batteries so that she heads back to school renewed on Monday.<\/p>\n

In essence, my only advice here is to follow her need. Young children, unlike adults, feel all of their emotions in the purest and undiluted way. You can trust that when the 3-year-old wants to be with you, that is what she really wants. And it is perfectly fine to not push any other agenda.<\/p>\n

Does this mean you cannot take her to a park? Go to a place with a bunch of other kids? No, go ahead. Have fun. Just don\u2019t fool yourself into thinking that there is \u201csocializing\u201d happening. Instead, go for what\u2019s important at this age: movement of the body, fresh air, laughter and fun. That\u2019s it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q: My 3-year-old is somewhat shy and introverted. She socializes well enough at preschool, but on the weekends she just wants to hang out with family. As an introverted person myself, I\u2019m fine with that. My instinct is that full-time preschool is plenty of social time and it\u2019s okay to recharge with family time on the weekend, but my more […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":2808,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,301],"tags":[526,524,525],"class_list":["post-2775","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-washington-post","tag-introverts","tag-socialization","tag-young-children"],"yoast_head":"\nShould parents push a reluctant 3-year-old to socialize? 1\/6\/16 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Meghan discusses introversion and socialization for a 3 year old. 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