{"id":2777,"date":"2016-01-07T21:30:10","date_gmt":"2016-01-08T02:30:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=2777"},"modified":"2016-01-12T11:29:02","modified_gmt":"2016-01-12T16:29:02","slug":"on-parenting-meghan-leahy-takes-your-questions-about-parenting-1616","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/livechat\/on-parenting-meghan-leahy-takes-your-questions-about-parenting-1616\/","title":{"rendered":"On Parenting: Meghan Leahy takes your questions about parenting 1\/6\/16"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Amy Joyce<\/p>\n

Good morning parenting type people. Thanks for joining us. A few things: Here’s Meghan’s most recent column that deals withextroverts\/introverts<\/a>. You may have missed her piece <\/a>during the holidays which I’ve applied to my own life already (thanks again, Meghan!)…Alrighty.<\/p>\n

A ton of questions await, so let’s get to it.<\/p>\n

Amy Joyce<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/b>My oldest son transitioned to underwear overnight without problem. But my almost 6-year-old and 4 1\/2-year-old still we their overnight pullups almost every night. It may be laziness. We have tried cutting out drinks past a certain time, underwear only for several nights (resulting in my changing the sheets at 4 am), rewards, anything. What to do?<\/p>\n

A: Meghan Leahy<\/p>\n

Wear the pull-ups. Put them on the kids. I know they are expensive and annoying (we have them in my house, too), but the sheet changing and the drink management and everything else….oy. Too much. And if you ask a pediatrician, you cannot train a child to potty train at night. You cannot. It happens when they are ready. No worries. Put the pull-ups on and let it go! They will get there…every child is different.<\/p>\n

Q: Anxiety at bed time dealing with the dark\/monsters<\/a><\/p>\n

Hi, my 10 year old son is very anxious at bed time, he doesn’t settle nor fall asleep until sometimes hours after we put him to bed. We have a night light, a lamp on low, a string of xmas lights above his bed and also the en suite bathroom light stays on all night. He’s afraid of he dark and of monsters and of being alone, which he is not as his little sister sleeps in the bunk bed below him. Will this end any time soon, and can we help him get over this?<\/p>\n

A: Meghan Leahy<\/p>\n

Hmmmm.<\/p>\n

Questions:<\/p>\n

Has the child been through a trauma? Recent or in the past?<\/p>\n

Does he have Sensory Processing Disorder or other sensitivities?<\/p>\n

Is he anxious in other domains in his life?<\/p>\n

Is he safe at home or in school?<\/p>\n

Is he being bullied or abused?<\/p>\n

How long has this been going on?<\/p>\n

Is he in a developmental spurt?<\/p>\n

You cannot help him get over this until you understand the root of the issue…<\/p>\n

I know that this may be frustrating…but it is true.<\/p>\n

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Amy Joyce<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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Just to clarify and be transparent (#journalism): I wasn’t the one who asked. It was an anonymous question I transferred over from last week.<\/p>\n

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Q: Safety vs Parenting Style?<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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My family member has a 2 year old and a 6 month old that I adore – I love playing with them and carrying them and in general being with them. The issue is that I now have a newborn, and now my attention is divided when I am around them. She gives them free range whereas I accompany them- so that they don’t ingest dangerous things, climb things they can fall off, etc. She is generally like this… And the rest of the adults don’t share my concern. The kids haven’t had any major recent accidents, and she isn’t neglectful, just more hands off. I tag team with my husband, but it’s difficult when we are hosting them- family member remains hands off. How do you balance supervising children that aren’t yours while respecting a parenting style that isn’t yours? IE should I work on being less anxious or on being more assertive?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A: Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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“IE should I work on being less anxious or on being more assertive?”<\/p>\n

I don’t know.<\/p>\n

But I am guessing that you have an idea…<\/p>\n

Here’s the thing: you have a newborn. That is pretty hands-on. You cannot really follow a 2 yo and a 6 mo around. Not easily.<\/p>\n

By necessity, you may need to be more chill about the monitoring.<\/p>\n

BUT, you also have a voice and when they are in your house, you can say, “listen, I am a little anal, I know…but someone has got to watch these kids in my house. I will be a nervous wreck and it will ruin the party and no one wants that.”<\/p>\n

Keep it light and funny, but ask your family to step up. 2 and 6 mo are YOUNG and need some watching.<\/p>\n

Good luck.<\/p>\n

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Q: adoption and when to tell kids<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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My wonderful husband has been in my twins lives since they were 18 months, adopted them at four, they’re now six. He is and always will be their dad. There is of course a biological father but there was never a plan for biological father to be in the picture. It was my desire to be a mom and the wonders of science that made any of this possible. My husband wants the kids to eventually know the story. He feels the potential harm from the kids discovering on their own outweighs any upside to not telling them. I’m not so sure.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A: Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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So, the kids think that their adopted dad is their bio dad?<\/p>\n

Run, don’t walk, to some good adoptive websites and resources and talk to smart people who understand this stuff inside and out. They will help you immensely, and the community aspect of it all is so needed.<\/p>\n

I am NOT an adoption expert, but here’s the deal: the truth is the best route. Always. Forever. And there is an age-appropriate way to tell children the truth. About everything. Seriously. Does that mean that there isn’t pain, worry, sorrow, and FEAR? (Oh, the fear…) There is. But my heavens, you cannot spring this when they are teens. Or god-forbid, adults.<\/p>\n

Get support and find a way.<\/p>\n

Good luck…<\/p>\n

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Q: Not exactly a ‘kid question’ but curious for your insights…<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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My husband and I are gun owners, we both have conceal and carry permits. I never carry but my husband has a dangerous job, so often does for work. We keep all firearms unloaded and locked in our 2 gun safes at home. It’s been this way since before our son was born, and now that he’s 3, we are extra vigilant. On New Year’s Eve we went to some friends house for a kid friendly party. Nice couple, they have a 6 month old baby. Husband is ex military and had returned home from deer hunting the day before, leaving his rifle sitting in the entryway. I noticed it as soon as we walked in, but couldn’t think of a nice\/polite way to inquire if it was loaded or request he put it away. I spent most of the party closely watching my son (and the many other kids) to make sure no one went near it, and EVENTUALLY the guy noticed he left it out “Opps! I guess I forgot. Of course it’s unloaded, I’ll put it away” as he takes it into another room, although he returns so quickly I wonder how AWAY, away really was. I should have said something earlier, right? WHAT? While I’m a gun owner, we’re more liberal than our group of friends on every other issue, and I’m hesitant to tell ‘Macho Military Guy’ how to run his own house. I also hate conflict. He seemed completely desensitized to the danger and responsibility of gun ownership around children. Maybe I should say something to the wife, whom I’m closer friends with anyway. But…What? How? I don’t want to lose them as friends over it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A: Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Ugggggg.<\/p>\n

There is a report A DAY about young children getting their hands on weapons and accidentally shooting themselves or others.<\/p>\n

It is beyond tragic. It is beyond damaging. It is neglect and lack of responsibilty, and it make me see red with anger.<\/p>\n

SO, you know my answer. YOU SAY SOMETHING. IMMEDIATELY. You don’t have to be meek or a jerk…just matter of fact. Because it is a matter of LIFE OR DEATH.<\/p>\n

But here is the real question: why are you friends with someone who is\u00a0 so macho and so desensitized? You cannot be friendly and honest with someone about a FRIGGIN’ GUN IN THE CORNER?!<\/p>\n

You have to ask yourself why you choose to keep friendships like this or if you need to become more assertive. For all you know, you could have said something and he would have jumped up and thanked you!<\/p>\n

Get straight with what this is about. It is too important.<\/p>\n

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Q: Toddler naps<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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My 2 1\/2 year old son refuses to nap when he’s home (He still sleeps regularly at daycare, for up to 2 hours at a time!) – we used to let him “cry it out” in his crib, but now he can climb out (he hasn’t, but he could)… now he typically powers through from about 7am – 4pm or so, crashes and is overtired until we put him to bed about 7pm. Suggestions?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A: Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Hmmm, not really.<\/p>\n

I think that I would incorporate some down time in the day, make it quiet and snuggle.<\/p>\n

And put him to bed an hour earlier.<\/p>\n

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Q: I hate middle school<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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Ok, I confess that last night I read some of my 8th grade son’s text messages. An 8th grade girl sent him a text saying that she was breaking up with him because she likes someone else. My son sent his buddy a text that he is now single and the guy friend informed my son that the girl had dated him on a dare and that it was all a sham. This seems so cruel. The poor little guy’s heart must be broken, and I can’t even let on that I know. What to do? I really want my son to focus on his studies, not all of this drama.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A: Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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Awwww man. My heart just broke.<\/p>\n

That sucks.<\/p>\n

Soooooo…..ummmmmm. Hmmm.<\/p>\n

First of all, I don’t, but there is a known rule that I can read any or all texts that come to my child’s phone. I don’t abuse this, but I want her to know that I can and occasionally do.<\/p>\n

You haven’t set that up, but now you know this crappy thing.<\/p>\n

So, you gotta get close to him.<\/p>\n

Take him to a sporting event…a long drive….dinner….a book store….a hike, whatever.<\/p>\n

See if he starts talking.<\/p>\n

If nothing..I will say stuff like, “hey, I just read an article about how some kids are pretty mean these days…what do you think? Do you think they are?”<\/p>\n

See what happens. Just keep showing up.<\/p>\n

For all we know, maybe he doesn’t care….but I cannot imagine that…<\/p>\n

And depending on your relationship, you could do this (and I am not going to lie, I would do this with my kid), “Listen, I saw these texts and I know you are going to be super-pissed, but I saw what Lucy did and I think that is really crappy. And I want you to know that stuff like that happened to me, and I get it if you are pissed and hurt.”<\/p>\n

If you think your relationship can handle this, I like direct.<\/p>\n

BUT ONLY YOU KNOW.<\/p>\n

Either way, get around him and offer some love.<\/p>\n

Man, middle school. Sucks.<\/p>\n

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Q: Favoritism<\/a><\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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Hi, Meghan. You’re a much nicer person than I am. If one of my nieces or nephews claimed to be entitled to more than my $10 gift (for a 7 year old!) the kid would never again get so much as a card from me. But I have a related question. I’m a single, 40 something woman with 7 local nieces and nephews ranging in age from 2 to 11. While I’m usually happy to be involved in their lives, I’m a quiet, bookish sort and some of them are quite rowdy. They embarrass me in movie theaters and have meltdowns in restaurants and at the zoo. Not surprisingly, I prefer to spend time with the 2 whose temperaments best match my own. I’ve actually cried in public myself when the others got out of hand. I know they say the most unlovable child is the one who needs love the most, but I’m not sure I can handle that.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A: Amy Joyce<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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This is the column being referred to<\/a> in this question.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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A: Meghan Leahy<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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My heavens, don’t do anything that leaves you crying in public with wild children! That is..not okay. At all.<\/p>\n

7 kids is TOO MANY KIDS TO TAKE ANYWHERE.<\/p>\n

Literally. You need to cut yourself a break.<\/p>\n

Go see them in their abodes.<\/p>\n

Play video games for an hour. Have a nerf gun fight for 15 minutes. Call it a day.<\/p>\n

You are not obligated to twist yourself into an emotional pretzel.<\/p>\n

Do less. Be yourself. Let it be easier.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n