{"id":2855,"date":"2016-02-10T20:44:31","date_gmt":"2016-02-11T01:44:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=2855"},"modified":"2016-02-10T20:44:31","modified_gmt":"2016-02-11T01:44:31","slug":"what-to-do-when-your-kid-cant-fall-asleep-without-you-in-the-room-1272016","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/routines\/what-to-do-when-your-kid-cant-fall-asleep-without-you-in-the-room-1272016\/","title":{"rendered":"What to do when your kid can\u2019t fall asleep without you in the room 1\/27\/2016"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q: My two girls, ages 3 and nearly 7, share a room but will not go to sleep unless each has a parent by her side until she passes out. Anything less, and it\u2019s complete waterworks and screaming, with the little one forcing herself to throw up. How on earth do we break this awful habit? It\u2019s been going on for about a year, and we have had no energy to fight it. We hate ending the days with them hysterically upset, so we\u2019ve just given in to this ridiculous ritual.<\/p>\n

A: You’re feel utterly alone in this struggle. And I get it. It sounds so exhausting. But I want to tell you that I receive daily calls and letters from sleepless parents who are in the same boat. So, try to take some comfort in the simple fact that you are not alone.<\/p>\n

But we have some problems here, don\u2019t we? To begin to understand how you came to this place, it is useful to understand why children prefer to sleep with you and will fight so hard to stay with you, night after night.<\/p>\n

Almost every parent knows that when a baby is born, that baby wants skin-on-skin contact with a parent or caregiver 24 hours a day. In fact, the very survival of newborns depends on a caregiver strongly and physically bonding with the baby. Cuddling, strong eye contact, loving speech and skin-on-skin contact are a critical part of the maturation process for babies.<\/p>\n

[What to do when two clingy kids won\u2019t give Mom some space?<\/a>]<\/i><\/p>\n

As a child grows and becomes more mature, more distance can be tolerated between this child and her caregiver. You will see that the toddler toddles away, and the 4-year-old will run down the block, and the 7-year-old will spend all day in school. Because they spend more time away from you, however, nighttimes can become especially fraught.<\/p>\n

Children can really become needy for their parents\u2019 attention at night. Why is this? At night, the work of the day is done and it is time to relax. What brings children the most relaxation? Being physically close to their parents. Even older children want to feel close to their attachments. At night is also when the worries begin for many children, when the room is dark and things look like scary monsters. Worrisome thoughts may enter their brain, and it is completely normal for children to be troubled by fears of death, losing their parents or some other terrible thing. Children can feel unprotected and scared, and these feelings compel them to come find their parents. (These are the children who are hopping out of bed constantly.)<\/p>\n

I am guessing that your children showed normal signs of this nighttime worry and anxiety, and in order to make them feel better, you began to get into bed with them. The \u201ccrawl into bed with the kid\u201d trick has an almost 100 percent success rate of sleep .\u2009.\u2009. for the child. She instantly feels safe and relaxed. But as for long-term solutions, getting into bed with the children has turned into a nightmare.<\/p>\n

So, this has been going on for a year. I would love to give an easy solution that involves no crying for them, but I don\u2019t see that happening. A solution will happen, but it will require a great deal of patient, gentle persistence, a good sense of humor and not rushing anything too much.<\/p>\n

Here are some ideas:<\/p>\n

Developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld suggests \u201cturning into the skid,\u201d which here means that you can let the children know that you are going to help them sleep in their beds. Alone. Say that they might cry, be scared, worry and miss their parents terribly. Go ahead and expect all of those feelings. Welcome them. Tell the children that these feelings make total sense. This is \u201cturning into the skid,\u201d because rather than fighting or rationalizing these feelings away, we are making room for all of the feelings that will occur.<\/p>\n

[Parents of struggling middle-schooler: \u2018Should we let her fail?\u2019<\/a>]<\/i><\/p>\n

Keep the nighttime routine structured, gentle, loving and moving along. Don\u2019t ask too many questions or give too many choices; that will just create more insecurity. Be sure to focus on the next meeting and tell them, \u201cI will see you in my dreams\u201d or \u201cI will be in this room first thing in the morning!\u201d And before you leave the room (if they are not yet freaking out completely), let them know you will be coming back to check on them in less than one minute. Show them the timer.<\/p>\n

Now here is where it gets really rough. If you have a child who is throwing up because she is so upset, the amount of time you leave the room may be only 15 seconds. I know, this sounds ridiculous, but her young mind may be able to tolerate only small amounts of separation. And because your older child is also upset, just keep checking on them at the same intervals. Be quiet about it, loving and firm.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know how long this will go on.<\/p>\n

The hope is that the children will relax when they realize you are keeping up your end of the bargain and returning for another kiss. The length of time between the visits will get longer. But because this has gone on for a year, it may take a while. Just be emotionally ready for how long and painful this will feel in the moment. But night after night, bit by bit, you will get your time and your shared adult bed back.<\/p>\n

And no matter how bad the night before was, greet the children with smiles and hope in the morning. \u201cWe are doing it .\u2009.\u2009. you girls are really sleeping so well!\u201d Yes, of course this is not how you feel, but someone has to be the beacon of hope. And that is you, the parent.<\/p>\n

Whatever you do, do NOT:<\/p>\n

\u2022Lock the children in their rooms or keep the door shut, blocking them. This will increase their worry into a traumatic panic. It is not only unkind but will also hurt any progress you have made.<\/p>\n

\u2022Punish the children for crying. You created this dynamic with them; it is your responsibility to help them.<\/p>\n

\u2022Bribe them to stay in bed. You will be broke in a month, and you will still be sleeping with them.<\/p>\n

\u2022Beat yourself up if you give up and get into bed with them. You are human. Just begin again the next day.<\/p>\n

\u2022Lose hope. Beyond reclaiming your marriage and sleep, you are helping your children to feel and accept your boundaries. This is how resilience is built in children. It won\u2019t be pretty, but better now than later.<\/p>\n

And again, you know your children best, so take my ideas and make them work for you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q: My two girls, ages 3 and nearly 7, share a room but will not go to sleep unless each has a parent by her side until she passes out. Anything less, and it\u2019s complete waterworks and screaming, with the little one forcing herself to throw up. How on earth do we break this awful habit? It\u2019s been going on […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,91,35,301],"tags":[533,450,532],"class_list":["post-2855","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-fear","category-routines","category-washington-post","tag-nighttime-anxiety","tag-separation-anxiety","tag-sleeping"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat to do when your kid can\u2019t fall asleep without you in the room 1\/27\/2016 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Meghan gives some suggestions to change the dynamics for a mom whose two daughters will not go to sleep without her in the room.\u00a0\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/routines\/what-to-do-when-your-kid-cant-fall-asleep-without-you-in-the-room-1272016\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"What to do when your kid can\u2019t fall asleep without you in the room 1\/27\/2016 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Meghan gives some suggestions to change the dynamics for a mom whose two daughters will not go to sleep without her in the room.\u00a0\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/routines\/what-to-do-when-your-kid-cant-fall-asleep-without-you-in-the-room-1272016\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-02-11T01:44:31+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/routines\/what-to-do-when-your-kid-cant-fall-asleep-without-you-in-the-room-1272016\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/routines\/what-to-do-when-your-kid-cant-fall-asleep-without-you-in-the-room-1272016\/\",\"name\":\"What to do when your kid can\u2019t fall asleep without you in the room 1\/27\/2016 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2016-02-11T01:44:31+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-02-11T01:44:31+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"Meghan gives some suggestions to change the dynamics for a mom whose two daughters will not go to sleep without her in the room.\u00a0\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/routines\/what-to-do-when-your-kid-cant-fall-asleep-without-you-in-the-room-1272016\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/routines\/what-to-do-when-your-kid-cant-fall-asleep-without-you-in-the-room-1272016\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/routines\/what-to-do-when-your-kid-cant-fall-asleep-without-you-in-the-room-1272016\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"What to do when your kid can\u2019t fall asleep without you in the room 1\/27\/2016\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. 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