{"id":2912,"date":"2016-04-05T15:09:29","date_gmt":"2016-04-05T19:09:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=2912"},"modified":"2016-04-05T15:09:29","modified_gmt":"2016-04-05T19:09:29","slug":"bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/","title":{"rendered":"Bonding with a misbehaving stepchild involves more than \u2018unconditional love\u2019 3\/2\/2016"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\n

\"shutterstock_367804658-2\"Q: I have a 7-year-old stepson I will call Kevin, and I need advice on how to bond with him. Kevin lived with my husband (his biological dad), our \u00ad3-year-old son and me for a year when he was 6 and attended kindergarten. I tried everything I could to be a good stepmom, but we never really got along. I had a hard time dividing my attention and affections between both kids and also felt as though I wasn\u2019t able to be as affectionate to my 3-year-old as I wanted when Kevin was around. Kevin has a lot of behavioral problems, such as talking back, hiding food under his bed and going to the bathroom in places besides the bathroom. This could be chalked up to \u201cnormal\u201d 6-year-old behavior or the behavior of a stepchild in a new environment. We tried very hard to work on it with him. But my problem is that I couldn\u2019t get past Kevin\u2019s behavioral problems in order to really feel the unconditional love that parents have for their kids. I tried to do things together and find common interests, but nothing seemed to really bond us \u2014 and I know he felt the same way. I really want to get over this hurdle so both of us can have a better relationship. Thanks for any advice you can offer.<\/p>\n

A: It sounds as though you have a big heart. It is clear that you were trying very hard, under tough conditions, to connect with Kevin. Talking back, hiding food and going to the bathroom around the house are pretty challenging behaviors, and add to that the fact that you are a stepparent? Well, that can be a pretty rough road. So please know that your efforts, while frustrating, do matter.<\/p>\n

I also want you to go easy on yourself. The pressure you are placing on yourself to \u201cfeel the unconditional love\u201d of a parent toward Kevin is admirable, but daunting. Your question is a perfect example of how, despite an adult\u2019s best efforts, our love and compassion may not land the way we want it to. Here you are, yearning and trying to love Kevin, and he continues to push you away and act out defiantly. We think the more we love a child, the better his or her behavior will become. But this is where we parents get it wrong. This isn\u2019t about more love, effort or strategies. This is about understanding the interior world of a child.<\/p>\n

There are so many details I don\u2019t know about this situation that it\u2019s difficult to guide you. I don\u2019t know about Mom, school or learning\/neurological issues. I am going to speak in generalities, so fill in the gaps as needed.<\/p>\n

You have a 3-year-old with Kevin\u2019s father, so I am assuming Kevin has been splitting time between his parents for at least three years. It also sounds as if he moved in with you for only one (pretty disastrous) year.<\/p>\n

When a child\u2019s parents split, even cooperatively, compassionately and kindly, a child falls into a form of panic and grief. Even when the parents are happier and the home is calmer, the child has only known his parents together. And even if that togetherness was chaotic and scary, it was what the child knew. He doesn\u2019t say, \u201cWell, I miss Dad, but this is really better.\u201d A young child mostly feels the loss of whatever parent he doesn\u2019t see.<\/p>\n

This can be confounding to parents, especially if the marriage was fraught with anger. Certainly the child must be happier, right? Well, the fact remains that the child loves both parents and lacks the maturity to understand adult relationship dynamics. The child can feel that the Earth is moving under his feet, and this feeling of insecurity is made worse by the fact that the very people he would turn to for comfort (his parents) are the people that are causing the discomfort.<\/p>\n

As Kevin moves from one parental home to another, the outlet for his big emotions becomes smaller and harder to access.<\/p>\n

Now, let\u2019s add a stepmom and a new sibling. You have more people to add to an already insecure system, and people are placing the burden of \u201cgood\u201d behavior on the shoulders of a \u00ad6-year-old. While you are doing your darndest to connect with Kevin, he sees you as nothing but a threat. You are not his mom. The more you push, the more he is letting you know (through his behavior) that he doesn\u2019t trust you. Marriage doesn\u2019t make you any more his family than sitting next to him does. He can\u2019t express these words because he is not fully conscious of these deep emotions. He simply feels threatened. Insecure. Scared. Frustrated. Hence the defiance and regression. What you are seeing is a very stressed and alarmed little boy.<\/p>\n

So, my advice:<\/p>\n

1. Lay off. I say that with a lot of love. It is not your job to parent him. You have the 3-year-old and your husband. Obviously, there are boundaries and rules to keep, and basic needs of the home must be met; but resist the urge to strongly connect and attach, give, and expect love from Kevin. Stay kind, have soft eyes and smile, but take it easy.<\/p>\n

2. As you are actively backing off this relationship, give your attention to supporting your husband. The parenting job belongs solely to him, and he should be the one actively connecting with Kevin. Meals out, activities, cuddling, reading, discipline \u2014 it all needs to come from the father. That is the person Kevin is attached to, so that is the only way it is going to work. As this relationship finds its footing and becomes more secure, you and your 3-year-old may begin to be able to join. But this timing is up to Kevin, not you. Don\u2019t take it personally; this is not about you.<\/p>\n

3. Support the birth mom. Speak of her kindly and lovingly to Kevin. Let him know that she is the mom through and through.<\/p>\n

4. Look for small openings into Kevin\u2019s heart. When you feel as if there is a softening in him, gently say things like \u201cI saw a baseball game and thought of you the other day.\u201d Or ask him to show you his video game, saying, \u201cHow does this work?\u201d If he completely resists, back out of it.<\/p>\n

5. Whenever possible, mirror his emotions with feeling words. \u201cKevin, I see how frustrated you feel!\u201d \u201cKevin, you are effective at telling me you don\u2019t want to eat this dinner.\u201d \u201cOkay, I see all the kicks in your legs, let\u2019s find something to kick.\u201d As his relationships become more secure, his behavior may become messier. More crying, more acting out. This is normal \u2014 but very triggering for adults.<\/p>\n

6. So, get support. Stat. An empathetic and loving counselor can help the whole family. I would suggest finding an excellent play therapist for Kevin as you do the heavy lifting at home.<\/p>\n

7. Finally, do not harshly discipline defiance or regression. Do not take away what he holds dear. Do not make a huge issue of his bathroom messes. (Instead say: \u201cOh well, it\u2019s no problem. We can clean this.\u201d) Most important, do not send him to a timeout or to his room. He already feels alone and confused, and both of these acts will trigger his alarm and panic, creating more defiant behavior. His actions are a cry for compassion and love and should be treated as such. Waiting it out, hugging, mirroring his emotions, and letting him know that you are not angry and he is always accepted and loved in the family will help him feel that unconditional love that you were trying to find.<\/p>\n

Nothing I have suggested is easy. I know this. I am writing in the best interests of the child, but please find some support for yourself. A good group of stepparents, either local or online, will help normalize these issues and buoy your spirits. Don\u2019t give up on Kevin; you can do it. Good luck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q: I have a 7-year-old stepson I will call Kevin, and I need advice on how to bond with him. Kevin lived with my husband (his biological dad), our \u00ad3-year-old son and me for a year when he was 6 and attended kindergarten. I tried everything I could to be a good stepmom, but we never really got along. I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[301],"tags":[162,222,546,545],"class_list":["post-2912","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-washington-post","tag-attachment","tag-defiance","tag-regression","tag-step-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nBonding with a misbehaving stepchild involves more than \u2018unconditional love\u2019 3\/2\/2016<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When a step-momr is met with defiance and regression, Meghan encourages her to ease up her efforts at bonding and help the stepchild feel secure.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Bonding with a misbehaving stepchild involves more than \u2018unconditional love\u2019 3\/2\/2016\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When a step-momr is met with defiance and regression, Meghan encourages her to ease up her efforts at bonding and help the stepchild feel secure.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-04-05T19:09:29+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/new\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/shutterstock_367804658-2-300x300.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/\",\"name\":\"Bonding with a misbehaving stepchild involves more than \u2018unconditional love\u2019 3\/2\/2016\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2016-04-05T19:09:29+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-04-05T19:09:29+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"When a step-momr is met with defiance and regression, Meghan encourages her to ease up her efforts at bonding and help the stepchild feel secure.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Bonding with a misbehaving stepchild involves more than \u2018unconditional love\u2019 3\/2\/2016\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. Plain and simple.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Meghan Leahy\"}}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Bonding with a misbehaving stepchild involves more than \u2018unconditional love\u2019 3\/2\/2016","description":"When a step-momr is met with defiance and regression, Meghan encourages her to ease up her efforts at bonding and help the stepchild feel secure.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Bonding with a misbehaving stepchild involves more than \u2018unconditional love\u2019 3\/2\/2016","og_description":"When a step-momr is met with defiance and regression, Meghan encourages her to ease up her efforts at bonding and help the stepchild feel secure.","og_url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/","og_site_name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","article_published_time":"2016-04-05T19:09:29+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/new\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/shutterstock_367804658-2-300x300.jpg"}],"author":"Meghan Leahy","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Meghan Leahy","Est. reading time":"7 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/","name":"Bonding with a misbehaving stepchild involves more than \u2018unconditional love\u2019 3\/2\/2016","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website"},"datePublished":"2016-04-05T19:09:29+00:00","dateModified":"2016-04-05T19:09:29+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d"},"description":"When a step-momr is met with defiance and regression, Meghan encourages her to ease up her efforts at bonding and help the stepchild feel secure.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bonding-misbehaving-stepchild-involves-unconditional-love-322016\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Bonding with a misbehaving stepchild involves more than \u2018unconditional love\u2019 3\/2\/2016"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/","name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","description":"Helping parents. Plain and simple.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d","name":"Meghan Leahy","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Meghan Leahy"}}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2912"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2912"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2912\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2914,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2912\/revisions\/2914"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2912"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2912"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2912"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}