{"id":2956,"date":"2016-06-23T14:18:27","date_gmt":"2016-06-23T18:18:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=2956"},"modified":"2016-06-23T14:18:27","modified_gmt":"2016-06-23T18:18:27","slug":"parents-let-son-quit-baseball-52516","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/parents-let-son-quit-baseball-52516\/","title":{"rendered":"Should these parents let their son quit baseball? 5\/25\/16"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\nQ. Our 9-year-old son is miserable playing on his year-round select baseball team. He cries on a regular basis about not wanting to go to practice (because it\u2019s \u201cboring\u201d and \u201cno fun\u201d). I think it is because he is now on a team that has become more serious and there are players more skilled than he is, and he\u2019s used to being the best on the team. There\u00a0is a little bit of coaching politics on who is playing the exciting infield positions, and we\u2019ve spoken to the coach on his behalf to make sure he\u2019s getting a fair shot at them. We\u2019ve invested a fair amount of money playing for this travel team, and this year\u2019s commitment is through midsummer (at least three to four games per week). Our normally well-behaved kid is acting out at home over this and truly dreads going to baseball. I hate that this is the subject of our arguments. My\u00a0husband says that he should finish his commitment and then can choose not to play for the next season. I agree on teaching him about not quitting when things get tough, but I\u2019m exhausted from forcing him to do it. For what it\u2019s worth, he plays two other sports that he loves. And yes, I think he\u2019s overcommitted, but this is truly from his desire to play these sports, not because we want him to. So, should we make him play or let him quit (and actually enjoy our weekends and have quality time with him through the summer)?<\/p>\n

A. This is tough. And I am going to make it tougher by not telling you what to\u00a0do.<\/p>\n

I have yet to run into a parent who does not face this conundrum at some point. Children grow exhausted, annoyed and outright angry toward their activities. It\u2019s normal. So, let\u2019s accept this as a good learning (parenting) experience.<\/p>\n

\n

Our culture is sending some pretty intense messages, and many of them don\u2019t match up.<\/p>\n

On one hand, we are being told that our children need more grit and resilience. Children need to \u201cget through\u201d or \u201csuffer\u201d something demanding so they can make it to the other side, experiencing the relief of finishing and the pride of sticking with something difficult.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

And yes, this is true. Sticking with an activity even when the going gets tough can be deeply rewarding. You cannot take away the hard work and perseverance. It\u2019s valuable.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, parents are constantly being lectured on the lack of free time for children. Our kids are overcommitted (you admit your son is), stressed out and losing their childhoods to practices, games and being driven around for hours.<\/p>\n

Being overscheduled leads to a decrease in boredom, which leads to a decrease in imaginative play, which leads to a decrease in creativity. Yikes. Children definitely need fewer adult-led activities and more exploration and true play.<\/p>\n

What is a parent to do?<\/p>\n

This is when you have to chuck the parenting trends and studies and instead trust your intuition and what you see in front of you.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

Here are a couple of questions for you to consider as you decide what to do:<\/p>\n

\u2022Does your child put up a fight to get there but enjoy the activity once he has arrived?<\/p>\n

\u2022Does your child only bellyache right before practice or the game?<\/p>\n

\u2022Does your child have insecurities about his ability compared to others?<\/p>\n

\u2022Does your child worry about being new or not being a part of the team?<\/p>\n

\u2022Does your child have time for everything else in his life that is important to him and your family?<\/p>\n

\u2022Does your child have enough free time with this activity included in his life?<\/p>\n

\u2022Do the team, coach and team environment promote character traits that reflect your family ethos?<\/p>\n

If you answer \u201cyes\u201d to most of these questions, you have good reason to help your child stay in the activity until the end of the season. You can become an expert listener, allow all of his worries to come out, listen to his insecurities and help him begin to find some courage. There is always some alarm and concern when you want something that means a lot to you. You can appeal to this \u201con one hand, on the other hand\u201d thinking, especially with a 9-year-old. \u201cOn one hand, you love baseball, but on the other hand, it feels as if the coach can be unfair. That must be hard.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here is another set of questions to consider:<\/p>\n

\u2022Does your child cry, whine and reject the activity at the mere thought of it?<\/p>\n

\u2022Is the activity (or the stress of the activity) affecting sleep, eating or going to the bathroom? ( Constipation and diarrhea are often associated with stress.)<\/p>\n

\u2022Does your child beg to quit?<\/p>\n

\u2022Does your child hide, refuse to get into the car or purposely \u201close\u201d equipment to avoid attending the activity?<\/p>\n

\u2022Do you have to regularly bribe or threaten your child to get him to attend the activity?<\/p>\n

\u2022Is your child joyless at the activity? Giving little to no effort?<\/p>\n

\u2022Is your child directly asking or demanding to quit with reasons that are rational and thought-out?<\/p>\n

\u2022Is the stress of this activity ruining your relationship with your child? Is it causing ripples of anger, frustration and defiance that are spilling into other parts of your relationship?<\/p>\n

If your answers to these questions are mostly \u201cyes,\u201d it is time to allow your child to quit. There is no activity that should bring this much stress into a child\u2019s life. Ever.<\/p>\n

This is when the resiliency and grit turn into suffering, which does not teach them anything. It is just suffering for the sake of, well, the parents\u2019 egos and their desire to save face, to not lose an \u201cinvestment\u201d (which is already lost), to \u201cteach a lesson.\u201d<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t need to go into how unnecessary most activities are for most children. I don\u2019t need to supply you with the data about what happens to children who are pushed too hard, too young.<\/p>\n

All you need to ask yourself is: Is this activity hurting my relationship with my child?<\/p>\n

There is nothing more important than that .<\/p>\n

Our children should have memories of their parents that sound like this: \u201cMy parents helped me find my courage, and I stuck with baseball. I was really proud. It wasn\u2019t easy, but I learned that I can do stuff that feels really hard at first.\u201d<\/p>\n

Or: \u201cMy parents saw my misery and helped me. They stopped pushing and instead respected my feelings. They helped me listen to my own intuition about what is good for me and what isn\u2019t. They love me no matter what.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

Whatever you decide, call a family meeting with him and work through it together. Talk through the details. Talk about what is important in your family.<\/p>\n

You will face more decisions like this in the future. Trust what you see, listen to your intuition and always place your relationship with your child above everything else.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q. Our 9-year-old son is miserable playing on his year-round select baseball team. He cries on a regular basis about not wanting to go to practice (because it\u2019s \u201cboring\u201d and \u201cno fun\u201d). I think it is because he is now on a team that has become more serious and there are players more skilled than he is, and he\u2019s used […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,301],"tags":[554,555,553],"class_list":["post-2956","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-commitment","tag-quitting","tag-sports"],"yoast_head":"\nShould these parents let their son quit baseball? 5\/25\/16 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/parents-let-son-quit-baseball-52516\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Should these parents let their son quit baseball? 5\/25\/16 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Q. Our 9-year-old son is miserable playing on his year-round select baseball team. He cries on a regular basis about not wanting to go to practice (because it\u2019s \u201cboring\u201d and \u201cno fun\u201d). 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