{"id":3112,"date":"2016-07-19T14:09:01","date_gmt":"2016-07-19T18:09:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3112"},"modified":"2016-07-19T14:09:01","modified_gmt":"2016-07-19T18:09:01","slug":"parents-like-entertain-embarrassed-kids-seek-attention-6816","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/parents-like-entertain-embarrassed-kids-seek-attention-6816\/","title":{"rendered":"These parents like to entertain, but they are embarrassed when the kids seek attention 6\/8\/16"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q. My husband and I entertain often, inviting both adults and kids or occasionally just adults. Sometimes \"shutterstock_381928663\"guests stay for the weekend. My kids (ages 7 and 5) go into overdrive, asking guests to watch them do tricks, play piano, do a dance and so on, to the point where it\u2019s difficult to continue a conversation. I have talked to the kids repeatedly before guests arrive about how much \u201cWatch me do this!\u201d is okay, and I intervene frequently while guests are there, trying to get my kids involved in something else so they aren\u2019t constantly demanding attention. It\u2019s\u00a0embarrassing, and I don\u2019t get why this happens over and over. They aren\u2019t attention-starved in our day-to-day life, and we have people over often. I would think they would have settled down a bit by now. I don\u2019t expect my kids to be seen and not heard, but I do want them to know they aren\u2019t the center of attention at all times. They don\u2019t do this when it\u2019s just my husband and me at home \u2014 only for guests. Any tips to\u00a0curtail this behavior?<\/p>\n

A. Let me begin by saying that I have a tremendous amount of respect for anyone who entertains often. I do not derive joy from hosting many people, so I think it is great that you are having your tribe over. Don\u2019t give it up.<\/p>\n

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But when it comes to tips to curtail the children\u2019s behavior? Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you look at it), the only person you need to control here is you.<\/p>\n

Your children, even while getting older, still feel insecure as you push them away. Even as I read your letter, I am guessing that they feel like this: \u201cMy mom wants to be with these other people more than me.\u201d \u201cMy dad doesn\u2019t want me to be here.\u201d And these feelings in children, being separated and feeling unwanted, actually increase their neediness (hence your frustration and embarrassment).<\/p>\n

I know that you say you spend time with them, but that is not how connection works with children. What you view as \u201cnot being attention-starved\u201d may simply not be enough for your children. As frustrating as that may feel, it is simply true. What we know is that what you and your husband are doing is not working for your family. And although I don\u2019t think that you meant to sound this way, your priorities look like: (1) entertaining and (2) your children. This needs to be flipped, but it can be done in a way where it works for everyone.<\/p>\n

So, I began to think of my friends (who also have young children) who entertain often, and they have some things in common:<\/p>\n

1. They don\u2019t mind that children are there. Parents who entertain frequently like having other families over, and if the children put on a show, everyone enjoys it. It is part of the joy of bringing families together. When it has become too much, these hosts then move on to No.\u00a02.<\/p>\n

2. They do not expect their children to settle down without some support. This means that the parents set up systems ahead of time that give the children something else to do. Whether it\u2019s popcorn and movies, art or a fun outdoor activity, these parents know that children need to have more than just their own willpower to help them settle down. Children, especially as young as 5, cannot be expected to entertain themselves all night. It is not developmentally appropriate.<\/p>\n

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3. My friends who entertain also understand that there are occasions where more assistance is needed. These parents enlist babysitters, mother\u2019s helpers, in-laws and the like to help wrangle their children into other activities so that the hosts can, well, host. Experienced family entertainers know that this support is invaluable, and they will happily spend some money so they can relax a bit and know that their children are safe, happy and busy.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

4. Smart entertainers also know that sometimes you have to get a sitter and leave the house to properly visit with your adult friends. If you want uninterrupted conversation, freedom of language and jokes, and no whining or needs from young ones, your best bet is to go out. Another alternative (although not available to many) is to send children to Grandma and Grandpa\u2019s or another family member\u2019s house. This is a win-win: time with family while you entertain in peace.<\/p>\n

The takeaway here is that spending time on your children\u2019s behavior is not going to yield the results you want. If you focus on behavior, you will focus on getting your kids to be quiet, to go away and to not be seen. Not only is this a bad long-game parenting decision, it is downright hurtful to your children. So, read the above list and decide as a couple what will work best for you and your family.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q. My husband and I entertain often, inviting both adults and kids or occasionally just adults. Sometimes guests stay for the weekend. My kids (ages 7 and 5) go into overdrive, asking guests to watch them do tricks, play piano, do a dance and so on, to the point where it\u2019s difficult to continue a conversation. 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