{"id":3183,"date":"2016-08-17T19:06:04","date_gmt":"2016-08-17T23:06:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3183"},"modified":"2016-08-28T19:07:31","modified_gmt":"2016-08-28T23:07:31","slug":"mom-is-worried-spoiling-daughter-husband-is-deployed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/mom-is-worried-spoiling-daughter-husband-is-deployed\/","title":{"rendered":"Mom is worried she\u2019s spoiling her daughter while her husband is deployed 8\/17\/16"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\"leahy0818\"Q: I have a 3-year-old daughter who is an absolute delight. My husband is deployed, I work full time, and she is in day care. By outside measures, we have weathered this period quite well. She is at an age where it is easy for me to take care of her alone, but she is very aware of her father\u2019s absence.<\/p>\n

Over these past few months, I\u2019ve found myself giving in to her more and more while still trying to hold fast to our rules and routines. I\u2019ll offer her candy to avoid a meltdown, watch one more video before bedtime, let her sleep in my bed or eat at the coffee table instead of the dinner table. Frankly, I find myself bribing her a lot. I\u2019m letting her do things such as climb on the furniture because I need to make dinner and can\u2019t be bothered getting into a fight with her.<\/p>\n

Is this the normal progression of living with a three-nager? Or am I setting her up to be a spoiled, entitled only child? Should we try to get back to the way things were when Daddy returns in two months?<\/p>\n

A: First, thank you for your service. Although the spouse deployed receives most of the accolades, the spouse at home also sacrifices a great deal, and this deserves recognition.<\/p>\n

You have a couple of distinct issues in your letter, so let\u2019s parse this out a bit.<\/p>\n

No. 1, you have a 3-year-old child. The hallmark of a 3-year-old is her strong will and her ability to push back with steadfast \u201cno\u2019s,\u201d annoying whining and some pretty strong negotiating. When a pediatrician or developmentalist hears about a 3-year-old who is pushing back, they usually smile and nod: The child is right on track.<\/p>\n

In terms of how a 3-year-old relates to you and your husband, well, your little girl wants to see you. All of the time. If she is nearby, she will want close physical proximity. If she feels connected to her day-care providers, she will want to be physically close with them. The younger the child, the more physically close the child needs to be to the adult to feel safe \u2014 and 3-year-olds cannot hold many adults close to them at once.
\nSo, when your daughter is at day care, she loves the people and may resist you. And when she sees her dad (on FaceTime or in pictures), she can\u2019t really understand why she can\u2019t be with him. This confusion makes her insecure, and this insecurity leads to even more misbehavior. The toughest part of all of this is that, as the primary attachment in your daughter\u2019s life, you are shouldering her normal developmentally tough behaviors, her sadness over her father and her missing you when she is at day care.<\/p>\n

This is a lot to shoulder.<\/p>\n

Of course you are giving in here and there when she pushes back. I don\u2019t blame you. And as a mom with three children and a spouse who isn\u2019t even deployed, I give in to little things. Often. And it is okay. Don\u2019t lie awake and make yourself feel bad about this.<\/p>\n

But there is a little voice in you that knows this is not a long-term parenting strategy. You want to be a strong leader in your family, and you know that a video here and a candy bribe there could easily lead to your child becoming an unholy terror.<\/p>\n

What can we do?<\/h3>\n

1. Get okay with letting some things slide. Go ahead and decide that on Wednesdays, you will eat at the coffee table. Go ahead and decide that she can have a piece of candy when you offer it (without it being a bribe). Go ahead and bring her into your bed sometimes. Go ahead and erase the image you have of what mothering looks like and make your family and your life your own.<\/p>\n

2. Understand that when you\u2019re giving in to some things, it is you who is doing the deciding, not the 3-year-old making the demands. For instance, if you know she loves candy, you offer it before she asks sometimes. You are the one in charge of the dynamic. Although this may seem like small change, it is everything in parenting. Instead of your child making demands and wearing you down, you are standing up and fulfilling her desires. This is actually what parents do. Children are not made into brats from lollipops; children become brats when they become accustomed to pushing their parents\u2019 boundaries here, there and everywhere.<\/p>\n

3. Decide which boundaries you are going to hold and get ready for the crying. For instance, if you decide that all meals will be at the table, she is going to try to push that boundary. Not because she is naughty, but because she wants what she wants. All 3-year-olds do. So, as you calmly and firmly hold the boundary, she is going to cry about what is not working for her. It is okay. Before long, if you continue to hold the boundary, she will come around and (mostly) happily sit with you.<\/p>\n

4. Become a vessel for her feelings of longing for her father. As a loving mother, you do not want to watch your child suffer at all, and watching her miss her father must pain you greatly. Add to this the fact that you also miss your husband, and we have a recipe for a lot of sadness. There is nothing wrong with any of this. To allow your child\u2019s sadness to come out, be sure that you are getting the support you need. Shouldering sadness requires strength and softness from you, so please take advantage of any and all resources available to you as a military spouse.
\nGood luck, and stay the course. I wish for the quick and safe return of your spouse.<\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q: I have a 3-year-old daughter who is an absolute delight. My husband is deployed, I work full time, and she is in day care. By outside measures, we have weathered this period quite well. She is at an age where it is easy for me to take care of her alone, but she is very aware of her father\u2019s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,301],"tags":[590,594,586,588,584,585,8,592,595,591,587,589,593],"class_list":["post-3183","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-3-year-old","tag-amy-joyce","tag-deployed-spouse","tag-hold-boundaries","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-on-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-columnist","tag-parenting-tips","tag-spoil-child","tag-three-nager","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nI\u2019m a single mom of a 6-month-old. 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