{"id":3238,"date":"2016-09-28T23:09:11","date_gmt":"2016-09-29T03:09:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3238"},"modified":"2016-10-04T23:35:04","modified_gmt":"2016-10-05T03:35:04","slug":"4-year-old-tantrums-silly-problems-patient-parent-92816","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-tantrums-silly-problems-patient-parent-92816\/","title":{"rendered":"A 4-year-old has tantrums over \u2018silly problems.\u2019 How patient should this parent be? 9\/28\/16"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q: A few weeks ago, my son moved up in class at his half-day private preschool while also starting half-day public preschool. I expected some adjustment, but he\u2019s been reverting to violent temper tantrums, throwing fits about random and strange things. Even if I fix whatever\u2019s wrong (cutting apple wrong = new apple), he finds something else to be upset about. Should I stop trying to do this when he becomes wildly upset about silly problems? He doesn\u2019t like the public school, which will be his grade school next year (bad food! bad toys! etc.). I\u2019ve talked to him, when he\u2019s not upset, about working on handling his emotions. I\u2019ve also talked to teachers at both schools, and they say he\u2019s great in class. I know the answer is to just be patient, but it\u2019s frustrating.<\/p>\n

A: You have my full empathy. Many parents and caretakers reading this are in the same pickle. They have children who are angels at school, only to come home and wreak havoc on the family. This leaves the parents feeling exhausted, frustrated and confused. Let me see if I can bring you some comfort.<\/p>\n

Four-year-olds are known for being opinionated, strong-willed, emotional, helpful, loving, thoughtful, curious and bright, as well as occasionally rational and deeply empathic. If you feel as if you are on a roller coaster while you are parenting your 4-year-old, you are.<\/p>\n

It is extremely important to understand that a 4-year-old doesn\u2019t handle frustration well. (Repeat that out loud.)<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

We know that your beautiful son is frustrated; this much is obvious. He is throwing tantrums, and the tantrums are about issues of little consequence \u2014 to us. He is becoming more controlling (replacing apples after he dislikes how they are cut) and moving his anger to other topics after you try to fix the initial problem.<\/p>\n

You may notice that the more you fix the problems, the worse they get.<\/p>\n

So, what is frustrating your son? I think it is safe to say he is probably exhausted. School (in two environments, no less) for a whole day is a lot for a 4-year-old\u2019s mind. He is spending all of his mental energy on being good for his teacher, good for his classmates, good in circle time and good for the transition to a new place. By the time he sees you, there is no more good left in him. You have a little boy who has hit the emotional and physical wall.<\/p>\n

Okay, we know he is tired, but is this it? Yes and no. Another issue with 4-year-olds is that they do not handle separation well. Simply put, his frustration comes from fatigue, but it also stems from not seeing you. Children this young enjoy venturing forth, trying new things, experimenting with the world around them, playing make-believe with other children \u2014 all in the shadow of a parent or caretaker. Four-year-old children enjoy play with frequent breaks for connection, and then poof, off they go. I am guessing that this new schedule is testing the boundaries of what your son can handle regarding separation.<\/p>\n

And because 4-year-olds are still pretty immature, your son can\u2019t turn to you and say: \u201cListen, I am having a hard time being away from you. I would like to have a good cry about this.\u201d Many 4-year-olds experience separation as a pure emotion of frustration; they badly want to be with you, but by the time your son sees you, his frustration spills over.<\/p>\n

What can you do? Here are a couple of ideas:<\/p>\n

1. Reduce separation whenever and wherever you can. This might include eliminating the second half of school (which he doesn\u2019t need from an academic perspective but which I understand you may need if you are working), ending separation-based discipline (timeouts and sending him to his room) and never ignoring him. Separation plus more separation equals more meltdowns for the young child.<\/p>\n

2. Build deep and positive connections when you are together. This means inserting more fun and joy into your parenting life with him. Get silly! Do something he loves and really throw yourself into it. Allow him to see you be truly happy with him. When a 4-year-old is tired and throwing a tantrum, it can be hard to find moments that are easy and good and calm. Don\u2019t wait for your child to create these moments; this is up to you.<\/p>\n

3. Allow these tantrums, and love him through them. He is not \u201cwildly upset about silly problems\u201d; he is trying to cope with his huge emotions. If you change your perspective from \u201cMy son is misbehaving\u201d to \u201cMy son is having a hard time and needs space and support,\u201d you will find your soft heart for him. No, don\u2019t keep giving him a different apple. That is just extending the frustration. Understand that the apple just happens to be the focus of his out-of-control emotions and that another apple will not change anything. Just leave the apple and let him scream it out. Will this be fun? No, but the switching of the apple and the extended screaming is not fun, either. You might as well use friction and frustration in the service of growth and empathy.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t look for overnight changes here. Keep your patience and empathy, and you should soon begin to see this smooth out.<\/p>\n

Send questions<\/b> about parenting tomeghan@mlparentcoach.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Also at washingtonpost.com<\/b> Read a transcript of a recent live Q&A with Leahy at washingtonpost.com\/advice<\/a> <\/i>, where you can also find past columns. My\u00a0next chat is scheduled for October 12.<\/p>\n

 <\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(iStockphoto) Q: A few weeks ago, my son moved up in class at his half-day private preschool while also starting half-day public preschool. I expected some adjustment, but he\u2019s been reverting to violent temper tantrums, throwing fits about random and strange things. Even if I fix whatever\u2019s wrong (cutting apple wrong = new apple), he finds something else to be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[612,615,616,201,584,585,8,592,611,591,613,609,614,593],"class_list":["post-3238","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-4-year-old","tag-fit","tag-grade-school","tag-kindergarten","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-on-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-column","tag-parenting-tips","tag-seperation","tag-sleep-advice","tag-tantrum","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nA 4-year-old has tantrums over \u2018silly problems.\u2019 How patient should this parent be? 9\/28\/16 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-tantrums-silly-problems-patient-parent-92816\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A 4-year-old has tantrums over \u2018silly problems.\u2019 How patient should this parent be? 9\/28\/16 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"(iStockphoto) Q: A few weeks ago, my son moved up in class at his half-day private preschool while also starting half-day public preschool. 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