{"id":3243,"date":"2016-09-28T23:18:09","date_gmt":"2016-09-29T03:18:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3243"},"modified":"2016-10-04T23:34:15","modified_gmt":"2016-10-05T03:34:15","slug":"livechat-on-parenting-meghan-leahy-takes-your-questions-about-parenting-92816","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/livechat\/livechat-on-parenting-meghan-leahy-takes-your-questions-about-parenting-92816\/","title":{"rendered":"LiveChat- On Parenting: Meghan Leahy takes your questions about parenting 9\/28\/16"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Meghan Leahy, a parenting coach with Positively Parenting will join On Parenting editor Amy Joyce to talk about parenting children of all ages.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Amy Joyce:\u00a0Morning, all. We have lots to discuss today and much to be read as well.\u00a0This piece yesterday was very popular. It’s about how to help your child talk about his or her school day. And it’s a smart way of doing so.\u00a0This is Meghan’s latest column<\/a>, about a 4-year-old and seemingly silly tantrums. What’s a parent to do?<\/p>\n

This morning, we have a fun piece on age gaps between siblings. Parents weigh in.\u00a0And this essay is about being a childless woman, yet wanting to be that special auntie to friend’s kids. (In short: Let those people in!)<\/p>\n

Okay, questions await, so let’s get talking, shall we?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Q: Future Aunt
\nGood afternoon. I am excited to be an aunt for the first time this coming January! My husband’s sister is expecting. I’ve been together with my husband a total of eight years now, but this SIL Amanda and I have never been close. It’s not that she isn’t great, but she’s older and has always lived several states away. We’re never really together without the whole family. My MIL isn’t the easiest to get along with and it seems like most family gatherings are a divide and conquer of managing my MIL’s feelings. Either way, I am fond of but am not close with my SIL Amanda. My question is, what is the best way to reach out to her with love and support both during her pregnancy and with the impending birth? She’s a private person, so I feel like questions about her pregnancy other than “How are you feeling?” would strike her as intrusive. I also can’t wait to be a doting aunt but without living nearby I am not sure what I can do at a distance. Thank for your advice!
\nA: Meghan LeahyAw, you sound kind and considerate.Listen, don’t overthink this. You know yourself and you know her, so trust that.<\/p>\n

Do what feels natural and easy…send cards (who doesn’t love a card?) because a card is a) not intrusive b) something sweet and small and c) inexpensive and doesn’t require anything from the recipient. Be sure to write, “no need to call or reply, just sending you love and lots of naps.”<\/p>\n

Small gifts that many pregnant people love: gift cards, little chocolates, a nice lip balm with some Tums…just something small.<\/p>\n

If you want to get bold, you can certainly offer to help host a shower. Just be sure to approach her with lots of generosity and openness. Just a, “Hey, I would love to help host this party…who can I be in touch with to assist?” She may say, “We got it handled,” and you say, “Great!”<\/p>\n

After the baby is born and everything settles down, I would also plan a small trip for a weekend to see them. You stay at a hotel and offer all of your services. Grocery shopping, baby holding, laundry, anything. Even if you stay for the weekend and only take them to lunch, you are making small connections to seeing your niece and nephew, and offering love and support.<\/p>\n

And even though it sounds like of lame, send the baby cards. Maybe start a small saving account for him and give small bits of money. Don’t inundate the family with stuff, just keep reaching out in small and loving ways. Call your SIL and listen to complaints without judgment. Just be there without being THERE, you know?<\/p>\n

And whatever you do, don’t push. Hopefully, this baby will grow and you can be the amazing aunt who takes him or her for the weekend while the parents travel! Just go slow. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Q: Silly Tantrums
\nThanks for your column on silly tantrums. We are going through this same issue with our 3 year old. Your column made it easy to share with my DH what i think we should do about the issue.
\nA: Amy JoyceSilly tantrum column right here.<\/a><\/div>\n
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Q: How do you know when it’s time?
\nI know this isn’t the kind of question you normally take, but I would value your advice. I am early-mid 30s and my husband is mid-late 30s. We own a house we love and both have stable (and reasonably flexible and well-paid) full-time jobs and my parents live close-by. We have been talking about having a baby, and I have to admit that even though I do want to have a baby the idea terrifies me! I read your chat every week and parenting sounds really hard. We got a puppy recently, who is very needy, and I adore him but it is far more work than I thought it would be – and a baby would be so much more. Is this nervousness normal? How do I know if\/when I’m “ready” to have a baby? Is there anything I can do to prepare myself? Thank you!<\/div>\n
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A: Meghan Leahy<\/p>\n

Oh, man.<\/p>\n

You will never be ready.<\/p>\n

Even when people think they are ready, they are NOT ready.<\/p>\n

We are never really ready for life decisions like this…<\/p>\n

BUT.<\/p>\n

Our intuition is always talking to us and telling us something we need to hear.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, not ready feels like, “I really don’t love my partner….”<\/p>\n

Sometimes not ready feels like, “I am not secure enough at work…”<\/p>\n

Sometimes not ready feels like, “I have more travel and adventure in me…”<\/p>\n

And sometimes in feels like, “I have no strong desire to do this baby thing…”<\/p>\n

And those are valid reasons to not start a family.<\/p>\n

But sometimes your intuition is saying, “I want this, but I need a sign…like, for the dog to be easy…or for my longing to be deeper or for me to feel like my BF Amanda who always wanted a baby.”<\/p>\n

These are nerves and they are normal. This is the single biggest leap you will take in your life. It’s all in, baby. Unlike marriage or careers, the parenting thing is a biggie.<\/p>\n

And it is incredibly hard and beautiful and painful and joyous and boring and exciting and worrisome and calming and depressing and uplifting. And sometimes you have all of those emotions within ten minutes.<\/p>\n

You can read all the books in the world and not be prepared. Your path is your own.<\/p>\n

I only have a couple of preparations for you:<\/p>\n

1) get your support in line after the baby. Too many new mothers are isolated, depressed, and lonely. Get the doulas and mommy groups and the friends and breast feeding helper and say yes to all of the help. You may not need it all, but have it ready.<\/p>\n

2) Stay off the cray-cray blogs. If you have a good doctor, listen to her and stay your course.<\/p>\n

3) Hold hands with your spouse BEFORE YOU GET PRENGANT and ask each other about discipline and spanking and yelling and how you were raised. Talk about religion and SAH and working parents and schooling. I am not saying that this will solve all of your problems, I just coach SO MANY parents who had no idea that their spouse was pretty damaged from their own childhoods. You would be saving yourself a WORLD of hurt to know who you are parenting with…<\/p>\n

4) Make sure your money is straight and do not assume your parents will be primary childcare. Don’t let the costs of having a baby deter you, just get real with it, you know?<\/p>\n

Whatever you decide, baby or no, GOOD LUCK!<\/p>\n

PS – Is your spouse kind to the puppy? Are you? That is a good predictor of how things will go…<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Q: Call your SIL and listen to complaints without judgment. Just be there without being THERE, you know?
\nDoes your SIL e-mail? If so, that could be a better way to communicate support than phone calls. Especially if there is a time-zone difference. It’s letting someone else schedule their response for a time when they feel up to it that’s important. My SIL can be a bit of a stress puppy but she writes and e-mails when she’s had time to consider her responses, so I stick to that mode.<\/div>\n
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A: Meghan Leahy<\/p>\n

GREAT IDEA.<\/p>\n

How modern. lol<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Q: Gifts of money
\nWhat are your thoughts about how we should handle gifts of money from family members to our children? Last spring, my son had a birthday and celebrated his first communion. He received checks totaling about $300. In his mind, this is his money. In reality, I just deposited it in our checking account. Should I give him $300 in cash, to do with as he wishes?<\/div>\n
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A: Meghan LeahyUhhhh, NO, I am not a fan of $300 in cash to a kid, no matter how much you have or not.<\/p>\n

What about a portion of it? Can he take 20%?<\/p>\n

Call a meeting with him and work it out….but whoa. No. No cash.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Q: probable divorce
\nOur marriage is deteriorating to the point that I am planning to leave my spouse in the next six months. My 4th and 5th graders bore witness to another screaming fit directed at me this morning (think accusations and obscenities). How do I best shield the kids from this while I get my affairs in order to leave? What can I do and say to help them through this? I have a meeting with an attorney next week.
\nA: Amy JoyceA: Meghan LeahyOh, I am sorry, this is hard.<\/p>\n

Get the kids into counseling, STAT.<\/p>\n

For them to watch one spouse verbally abuse another spouse is confusing and painful for them, because they love you both…but why is this love so hurtful?<\/p>\n

No matter what, keep reminding them that this is not what marriage and love look and sound like, it is not okay, it is not okay, it is not okay.<\/p>\n

Let them know that you working on fixing it (don’t say more) and that the spouse’s anger is not okay, no matter what the reason.<\/p>\n

If this environment is regularly toxic, please figure out how to leave sooner than later. Every screaming fit is a deep wound for your children (and you). Please stay safe, do NOT fight with your spouse (if need be, scoop up kids and get in car), and please be ready to call 911 or go to a friend’s house if need be.<\/p>\n

Be safe.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Q: School behavior charts
\nOur kindergarten has one of those very typical behavior charts: clip up, clip down depending on how your kid is doing that day. Our son is very anxious about it and it’s causing a great deal of stress for him — he’s so worried about getting clipped down in front of his classmates that it’s creating tears when he talks about it at home. (Yes, he’s a well-behaved kid.) I plan to talk to his teacher about it, but what can she do? If it’s not bother the other kids in school, why should she change for just one? Will she look at me as an annoying parent who just can’t handle her precious kid getting in trouble? And how can we communicate to him that this is really not a big deal? It’s seriously messing up his days.
\nA: Meghan LeahyUGGGGGGG! THIS MAKES ME SO MAD.This is EXACTLY why these charts don’t work.<\/p>\n

It makes the “good” kids paranoid and it makes the “bad” kids give up.<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, THEY ARE FIVE AND SIX (gnashing teeth and ripping hair happening here).<\/p>\n

Okay. You gotta get this teacher on your side. You gotta come to her like this, “Mrs. Smith, as an experience teacher who loves kids, you have to help me. Little Joey is developing an anxiety disorder and our pediatrician has said it is due to the clip chart. The doctor has said that the best way to stop the anxiety is to stop the chart….”<\/p>\n

I like blaming things on other people (the ped).<\/p>\n

Now, there may be no traction with this teacher, I don’t know.<\/p>\n

You will have to decide how far you want to take this.<\/p>\n

For instance, I would have ZERO problem marching in PILES of studies into the principal’s office, bringing in experts, the WHOLE DANG THING. Because you are not just advocating for your son, you are advocating for ALL K students, right?<\/p>\n

Just stay on the side of the school. No You vs Them. It’s US MAKING CHANGE.<\/p>\n

But you are PAYING for school (whether private or public) and you get a SAY.<\/p>\n

Either way, tell your son these charts mean nothing. NOTHING. Tell him that they are an old way of keeping kids in line and that you KNOW HIS HEART. And you know that some days are good and some are bad, and that is OKAY. Make mistakes very WELCOME at home. Make mistakes in front of him and role model how how to handle them.<\/p>\n

The truth is, your child will have teachers who don’t understand how children develop (teeth gnashing again) and you always have the power to support and love him through it.<\/p>\n

But listen, go make some noise. We, as parents, have to say ENOUGH with these behavior charts.<\/p>\n

I got my Irish up now…<\/p>\n

\ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Q: Teacher’s politics
\nHi, Meghan and Amy! My son is seven and in 2nd grade. Yesterday he came home from school and said that in his art class the children had been discussing the debate, which led to a mock election, and then to his teacher being asked by a student who she was voting for and she answered with her candidate choice. This is a private school, so I assume she *can* state her political preferences, but I find it really inappropriate and unethical that she *would*. I’ve drafted an email to the head of the lower school, but haven’t sent it. This is compounded by the fact that my husband is a very well-known figure at the school and I think he’s worried the origins of the complaint will be traced back to me and it’ll be interpreted as my objection to the candidate (and yes, it’s hard to explain to my 7 year old why his teacher backs someone who is so mean) and not her disclosure. Should I send the email?
\nA: Meghan LeahyOh boy.You may be asking the wrong person here.<\/p>\n

I live in DC and it is politics politics politics here.<\/p>\n

You are waiting for coffee? Politics.<\/p>\n

You are getting your hair done? Politics.<\/p>\n

You are pushing a child in a swing? Politics.<\/p>\n

And I am friends who have the opposite views as I do, and with only a couple of exceptions, I have found that everyone loves a good debate and leaves well enough alone.<\/p>\n

This election cycle is so charged and angry and wild, that I can see how you would take a teacher’s answer personally….but…<\/p>\n

I would hold off on the e-mail.<\/p>\n

First of all, going over the teacher’s head straight to the principal is a pretty big move and will likely land you in the category of PAIN THE TOOKUS PARENT. You don’t want to be that parent. The art teacher will not trust you, and most importantly, this will all land on your kid. Who, I presume, will be staying in this school.<\/p>\n

So, if you feel the need to say ANYTHING, I would write her a brief e-mail saying, “Hi there, this election is pretty fraught and while I love the debate, I was hoping that the adults could keep their opinions mum so that the kids have a chance to think for themselves and not be influenced by you. kthanksbye.”<\/p>\n

Again, keep it light…but I would also think about letting it go.<\/p>\n

Go for a walk and really decide if you want to go full force with this.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Q: For Behavior Chart Mom
\nWe had all kinds of issues with this type of thing, though the chart was more informal. I would say that the best thing you can do is go in with a suggestion or two of your own, so you’re not just throwing it back on the teacher. Having some ideas gives you a place to start talking non-confrontationally, and shows the teacher that you’re willing to be her partner in this. If that doesn’t work, talk to the school’s learning specialist\/social worker and enlist her\/his help building a bridge with the teacher. It was a TON of work, but it did the trick for us!
\nA: Meghan LeahyGreat tips, thanks! Love the learning specialist idea.<\/div>\n
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Q: 40something Dad
\nFor the woman (couple) thinking of having kids. Megan’s advice was perfect. Having three (all elementary\/jr high) of my own I will boil parenthood to this: Are you willing to unconditionally give yourself to another person no matter the cost? Given you are married, you took the first step, but a baby is so much more. Will you put your career (if needed) second? Will you stay up one, two nights in a row? Will you argue and fight with teachers when your child is struggling and the schools are, “whatever.” Will you or more importantly, CAN YOU, tell your boss, “I’m sorry, I have to make my kids play, I’ll get in early to tackle this in the morning.” I could add 1,000 more points but you get the gist. I was the guy who wanted kids but, not just yet. Then my wife and I took the plunge and had three kids in four years. We’ve been blessed, and done very well. However, great sacrifice has been made. Guys my age are VPs but I’m not because travel and staying late in the office all the time deal breakers. My wife has had a great career (law firm partner) but instead of making great money, she’s making very good money because sometimes you have to turn down the after-work dinner or networking event. I spend a ghastly sum on housing because that’s what you do to get into a good school district. Travel? What’s that? New car? I think I can get another 50,000 miles out of the Honda. While it’s been tough it’s also been vastly more rewarding than a high-flying career, world travel or huge sums of money in the bank. Anyway, just two cents from someone who’s been at this for almost 14yrs.
\nA: Meghan LeahyAwwww man, good points about not killing at it work. Many parents have to make this choice and it can be hard to watch others scramble up the ladder while you choose another path.A great book on this subject (for moms, mostly) is this book<\/a>!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
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Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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