{"id":3256,"date":"2016-10-18T07:26:57","date_gmt":"2016-10-18T11:26:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3256"},"modified":"2016-10-20T07:43:29","modified_gmt":"2016-10-20T11:43:29","slug":"sorry-seems-hardest-word","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/sorry-seems-hardest-word\/","title":{"rendered":"Sorry seems to be the hardest word\u2026"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
I vacillated between Elton John and The Biebs for the Subject Line, but let\u2019s face it, Elton will win every time. (To hear that song, click\u00a0here. It is 100% lyrically dramatic and amazing (just like Sir Elton himself, and I used to play this and cry into a pillow when boys rejected me in middle school.)\"photo-1463109598173-3864231fade5\"
\nAnywhoooo, I was just in Disney and I won\u2019t lie: I loved it. Yes, it is crazy consumerist and too crowded, but the children were delighted. Hence, I delighted in them. And I rode roller coasters with my arms up and screamed my face off. I didn\u2019t think about Trump or Aleppo or anything else distressing. I just laughed and laughed. Pure freedom.
\nYou may think I will write about the horrors of parenting I witnessed at Disney, but no. I mostly saw loving parents helping overwhelmed children. There were plenty of crying children, for sure, but I saw parents taking them to quiet corners and speaking to them in gentle tones. There were hugs and smiles, and the family kept going.
\nIn particular, there was a family in the airport leaving Orlando where a very tall six or seven year old boy was having an epic tantrum. From my standpoint, he had some sensory issues and the parents were clearly accustomed to these outbursts. He clung to his mother\u2019s leg, and screamed something about an injustice perpetrated by his younger brother (and apparently hits were also exchanged). I watched a calm come over her and she stood stock-still, holding two scalding coffees. The husband ran to her aid, gently peeled the boy off of her (which made his screaming worse). I began to panic, fearing that he would beat him right there in the airport, but instead he led his son to a seat, got on his level, and started speaking quietly to him. The boy was literally screeching and I could only imagine the father’s embarrassment, but he did not even look up to see the judging eyes. He began to instruct the child to count his breaths, and soon the boy was simply crying about his brother.
\nThe father just hugged him and waited.
\nNo consequence was given, nor was the boy forced to apologize to his little brother.
\n\u201cAh,\u201d I thought, \u201cWhat a wise father. He knows that the forced apology will incite more anger\u2026\u201d
\nThe boys settled down and ate some breakfast. All was calm again.
\nWhat a master lesson in parenting, right? I spent the flight reflecting on what would have happened if he had forced his son to apologize. Certain disaster, that\u2019s what would have happened.
\nWhy is forcing children such a bad idea?
\nWe are ignoring the actual emotions in front of us, which makes children feel misunderstood and misjudged (hence more frustrated.)
\nWe are demanding that our children feel an emotion that they either are too immature to feel or don\u2019t feel it genuinely (or a combo of both).
\nWe are parenting from a place on control and anger when we demand apologies. We are not thinking clearly, and we are definitely not in-tune with our children.
\nWe are training our children to say things they don\u2019t mean.
\nWe don\u2019t give true remorse sorrow, and guilt a chance to occur naturally.
\nWhile unsatisfying in the moment, the airport father intuitively knew that we all feel remorse after our brains settle down, after we begin to breathe, and when some reflection can occur. This is not easy and it requires maturity; something children often lack.
\nSo, how can you get a child to feel sorry? Technically, you cannot.
\nBut here are some ways to help move your child toward empathy:
\nEducate yourself about the developmental milestones re: the age of your child. Most children are able to understand others perspectives until closer to five, six, or seven years of age. Get to know what is normal for your child!
\nAfter the incident is over, ask your child how you think the other person felt during the incident. Ask, \u201cHow did you feel when Elizabeth hit you? Do you think Elizabeth felt surprised and angry, too?\u201d These exchanges can help you gauge how effectively your child can use feeling language.
\nAsk the child how they can make amends. Can they make a picture? Write a small note on a sticky? Get creative. If the child balks, back off.
\nMake sure they see you saying \u201csorry.\u201d Apologize to them when you have yelled (and don\u2019t do the \u201cyou made Mommy yell\u201d thing, either). Apologize to your partner in front of your child. \u201cHusband, I am sorry I lost my patience. I felt frustrated when I didn\u2019t think you were listening to me.\u201d Yeah, the language sounds jilted and weird, but this is how it is done.
\nRemind yourself that the time you spend NOT demanding apologizing can be spent connecting with your child. Connection + emotional safety = empathy for self and others.<\/p>\n

So, Sir Elton, you are right. \u201cSorry\u201d does seem to be the hardest word.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s not make it harder, okay parents?
\nxoxo,<\/p>\n

Meghan<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I vacillated between Elton John and The Biebs for the Subject Line, but let\u2019s face it, Elton will win every time. (To hear that song, click\u00a0here. It is 100% lyrically dramatic and amazing (just like Sir Elton himself, and I used to play this and cry into a pillow when boys rejected me in middle school.) Anywhoooo, I was just […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3256","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nSorry seems to be the hardest word\u2026 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/sorry-seems-hardest-word\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Sorry seems to be the hardest word\u2026 - Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I vacillated between Elton John and The Biebs for the Subject Line, but let\u2019s face it, Elton will win every time. 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