{"id":3317,"date":"2016-12-07T15:02:31","date_gmt":"2016-12-07T20:02:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3317"},"modified":"2016-12-07T15:02:31","modified_gmt":"2016-12-07T20:02:31","slug":"four-kids-one-size-%ef%ac%81ts-approach-discipline-wont-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/four-kids-one-size-%ef%ac%81ts-approach-discipline-wont-work\/","title":{"rendered":"With four kids, a one-size-\ufb01ts-all approach to discipline won\u2019t work"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\"shutterstock_215297233\"Q:\u00a0<\/b>We have four kids (8, 6, 4 and almost 1). The older kids are close and tend to do things together. How do we handle undesirable behavior when the strategies are different for different ages or when the behavior is developmentally appropriate (but undesirable) for the\u00a04-year-old but not developmentally appropriate for the 8-year-old? Also, how do we handle undesirable behavior in public that, if we had only\u00a0one child,\u00a0would result in leaving the activity immediately, a consequence that would be unfair to the others who are behaving well?<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>You are one busy parent! It is not easy to raise four children these days, and you seem to care about fairness and developmentally appropriate behaviors, so kudos to you.<\/p>\n

And although your care and concern are admirable, you are overthinking this.<\/p>\n

For time eternal, parents have had many children, varying in age and developmental stage. To add to this, children have always been developing at their own rate. Some children are extremely sensitive; some children have neurological, physical and other health obstacles; and some children will never mature into adulthood, despite their age. My point? Even if you have twins, children are always in different places in their maturation process. Yes, it is generally easier to parent a crew of children over the age of 7 or 8 because most children can regulate their emotions with more consistency at that age. But you have two immature children (the 1- and the 4-year-old), one on the cusp of a little more regulation (the 6-year-old) and one more-mature child (the\u00a08-year-old). So what do you do?<\/p>\n

1.\u00a0<\/b>Stop trying to accommodate everyone\u2019s needs.<\/b>\u00a0Parent the child in front of you without thinking about what the other children are doing or not doing. How you handle your \u00ad8-year-old may be different from how you treat your 4-year-old. While you may be able to have a more reasonable conversation with your 8-year-old, too much talking could exacerbate the \u00ad4-year-old\u2019s anger. Trying to appeal to the child\u2019s \u201crational mind\u201d could be a fruitless endeavor and, worse, could create more frustration and defiance. Your 6-year-old may flip-flop between rational and irrational behavior, depending on the child\u2019s fatigue and state of mind. You see? Whether you have a conversation with your child, take a toy away, cuddle, leave a restaurant or decide to let go of a boundary, just decide and move on.<\/p>\n

\u00a02.\u00a0<\/b>Stop trying to make everything fair.<\/b>\u00a0This is the fastest way to make yourself resentful, overwhelmed, frustrated and hopeless in your parenting life. Additionally, it also makes you appear weak as a parent. Why? Well, as the children watch you run around trying to please everyone, they feel your insecurity and neediness. They need you to step forward and not be right or perfect, mind you; rather, they want to feel your confidence in knowing what is best for the group. This will never be perfect. Someone will always feel slighted, left out, unheard, dismissed or unimportant. And that\u2019s normal.<\/div>\n
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3. Be mindful of favoritism.<\/b>\u00a0Although most parents don\u2019t want to admit it, we often favor one child. For some parents, the \u201cbaby\u201d of the family gets the most passes. Other parents favor the child who shares their interests. Some parents are partial to the child with whom they share a temperament. I have seen favored status based on gender, intellect, athletic qualities \u2014 you name it. As the mature one in the family, take a good look at yourself and know where your loyalties lie, because I can guarantee that the children know. Hold yourself accountable for your own behavior and how this affects the group dynamic. You can never be completely fair to all your children, but you can mindfully not create competition for your attention.<\/p>\n

4.<\/b>Watch out for the child who is acting out the most.<\/b>\u00a0For instance, if you are always asking your eldest, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you know better?\u201d you may be getting increasingly defiant behaviors. Be on the lookout for red flags in each of your children and attend as needed. If one of your children is in a rough transition at school or is having friendship problems, it is absolutely appropriate to change your parenting toward that child. Maybe you let some sassiness slide, or maybe you spend more one-on-one time with a particular child.<\/p>\n

5.\u00a0<\/b>What do you do with everyone\u2019s hurt feelings about unfairness<\/b>?\u00a0<\/b>You simply allow the emotions to come out and you listen. At a calm moment, say to the 6-year-old, \u201cI bet it is hard watching your older sibling be able to stay up later, right?\u201d Or tell the 4-year-old, \u201cI know it feels unfair that your brother gets to go on more play dates than you do.\u201d Here\u2019s the thing: You don\u2019t need to fix the unfairness, nor do you need to find solutions for every heartache; you just need to allow the children to complain and not judge it. Allow them to whine about it while you sit, nod and listen. When humans feel heard and understood, we immediately feel better. And your children just want to know that you care about their hearts and their feelings. As you allow their tears of frustration, they will more readily adapt to all the things in life that simply don\u2019t work. This is what everyone refers to as grit or resilience. But remember: Grit and resilience in your children don\u2019t come simply from hardship; they also must be accompanied by a parent or caregiver with a warm and listening heart.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0We have four kids (8, 6, 4 and almost 1). The older kids are close and tend to do things together. How do we handle undesirable behavior when the strategies are different for different ages or when the behavior is developmentally appropriate (but undesirable) for the\u00a04-year-old but not developmentally appropriate for the 8-year-old? Also, how do we handle undesirable behavior […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,301],"tags":[683,687,688,682,685,584,585,8,592,686,684,591,593],"class_list":["post-3317","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-developmental-stages","tag-disciplining-children","tag-favorite-child","tag-four-children","tag-how-to-handle-tantrums","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-on-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-coach","tag-parenting-multiple-children","tag-parenting-tips","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nWith four kids, a one-size-\ufb01ts-all approach to discipline won\u2019t work<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"We have four kids. 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