{"id":3469,"date":"2017-02-22T11:29:16","date_gmt":"2017-02-22T16:29:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3469"},"modified":"2017-02-22T11:29:16","modified_gmt":"2017-02-22T16:29:16","slug":"nag-tween-complains-end-struggle-chores","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/nag-tween-complains-end-struggle-chores\/","title":{"rendered":"I nag, my tween complains \u2014 how do we end the struggle over chores?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\"\"Q:\u00a0<\/b>Our 12-year-old son is a nice, smart kid who does well in school and has lots of friends. He is pretty much always in a good mood and is fun to be around. But I\u2019m frustrated by how he does the minimum amount of work for nearly every task he\u2019s asked to complete. We often give him specific instructions so he can\u2019t pull the \u201cI didn\u2019t understand\/hear you\u201d card, but he\u2019ll still take the easy way out or just not do the task at all. We have tried just about every punishment\/positive reinforcement trick, and nothing works. At this point in our son\u2019s life, these tasks are not life-altering (e.g.,\u00a0matching up socks instead of just dumping them all in a drawer), but I worry this is a sign of what\u2019s to come. I think because he is able to do most things fairly well without having to try hard, he doesn\u2019t see the value in working to improve or feel the satisfaction of a job well done. While he\u2019s doing a task, he will sigh and complain, as if we will feel bad for him and relieve him of his duties. Typically, the opposite happens, and we\u2019ll give him something else to do! I feel as though I am constantly harping on him about everything, and that\u2019s not what I want our relationship to be like. I also can\u2019t sit idly by while he chews with his mouth open for the 11,000th time.<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>Oy. I hear you. I have yet to meet a 12-year-old American child who whistles while he works. Why is this? Well, we are pretty lucky in this country. Yes, yes, there is a great deal of uncertainty and economic hardship, but overall, American children are living quite well. They are not fighting for their lives. They are not carrying clean water for miles. They are not scouring mountainsides for food. Americans have created a culture in which our children are not suffering the way many of our ancestors did.<\/p>\n

But with this kind of luxury, we run into some pitfalls with our children. We want our children to have a desire to help, but, as demonstrated by your son, this is not springing forth from him naturally. Why? Well, part of the reason is the sheer safety and ease of his life. Even I rolled my eyes when you wrote about asking him to match his socks. There aren\u2019t any real ramifications if he doesn\u2019t vacuum or match his socks or do the dishes. No one will starve, no one will die of thirst, and he will sleep safely. You see? Our beautiful and bountiful American culture has largely done away with natural consequences of skipped chores as real needs.<\/p>\n

But this is not the only reason children don\u2019t do their chores. We know this because children in other homes are doing their chores. I don\u2019t know if kids are writing sonnets about it, but many do their chores with little grumbling and even, sometimes, pleasantly. In my home, I would say that my three children do 60 percent of their chores with a decent attitude. The remaining 40 percent is a toss-up among eye-rolling, sighing or mumbling under their breath (which doesn\u2019t bother me as long as the chore gets done).<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s first look at what does not work when trying to gain cooperation in children (especially tweens):<\/p>\n

1. You are one step ahead because you\u2019ve realized that punishment and rewards don\u2019t work. Why? They are two sides of the same coercive coin. Whenever tweens feel manipulated or coerced (and trust me, praise is as coercive as punishment and threats), they will usually rally against it. It is the lowest rung on the behavioral ladder, and frankly, it is insulting to a mature tween. You are treating your son like a 2-year-old, so he is acting like a 2-year-old. Abandon these tricks right away.<\/p>\n

2. You do not gain cooperation from tweens by expecting them to care about what you care about. Developmentally speaking, tweens are focused on their peers and themselves. That\u2019s about it. And from all accounts, your son is a delight. He is not surly, he has friends, he is often in a good mood, and you enjoy being around him. I mean, sheesh, what else do you want from the kid? Do you really expect him to care about sorting socks? I ask this seriously, because if the answer is yes, I want to ask you a hard question: Are you still willing to wear him down, harass him, harp on him and threaten him over socks? I mean this. Are socks worth all of this emotional turmoil?<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the deal: He doesn\u2019t care about the darn socks. Have him sort his laundry and put it away, and leave it at that. If he cannot find a sock or shirt, that\u2019s his problem. (Aha! There\u2019s a natural consequence after all!) Just stop caring whether his heart is fully into these activities. It isn\u2019t. That\u2019s normal. Your tween doesn\u2019t have to love his chores, and you don\u2019t need him to do so.<\/p>\n

3. Another trick that doesn\u2019t work to promote tween cooperation is to constantly tell tweens what to do. They are brimming with independence. Schools are not that great at offering it, and their homes are often not much better. Allow some freedom of choice with his chores. He can make choices between laundry and toilet scrubbing, dishes and trash, dusting and wiping windows. Is there something he excels at, such as gardening or cooking? Try to look past your own narrow vision and see his skills and desires, and put them to use.<\/p>\n

So what are we left with? It doesn\u2019t feel like much, but let\u2019s take a look at some other ideas:<\/p>\n

1. Call a family meeting and assign jobs. This can be done democratically or tyrannically, but recognize that your son is allergic to coercion and will do better with choices. (In other words, you\u2019ve gone the bossy route, so let\u2019s try some clear and boundaried choices.)<\/p>\n

2. Tie these jobs to real-life consequences. If you are going to create consequences, do it with your son and make them clear. While you are in the family meeting, clearly discuss what will happen when certain chores are not finished. This will not completely smooth the path, but it will help.<\/p>\n

3. Get ready to hold the boundary when he doesn\u2019t complete a chore. He may have a tantrum like a preschooler, but your role is to sit there, wait it out and allow the boundary to do its job.<\/p>\n

4. Never let any of this become personal. From the assignment to the upholding of the chores, stick to the facts and always keep your relationship strong. Do not take away family get-togethers or other meaningful interactions with him. Concentrate on how the situation can improve.<\/p>\n

5. Although I\u2019m not a big fan of paying children for chores when they are younger, it can be an effective tool to compel tweens and teens to complete their chores. Again, work this out with your tween.<\/p>\n

6. Above all, be encouraging and positive. You can address how a chore is done in the family meeting, but nothing kills cooperation like following someone around with critiques and passive-aggressive suggestions. Remember, you are not trying to create a robot who can complete the simplest of jobs; you are helping a child grow into a young man. Take the long view.<\/p>\n

Whatever you do, keep it simple and have faith that if you continue to lovingly hold strong boundaries, your son will become a man who can sort socks. With or without the eye-rolling.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0Our 12-year-old son is a nice, smart kid who does well in school and has lots of friends. He is pretty much always in a good mood and is fun to be around. But I\u2019m frustrated by how he does the minimum amount of work for nearly every task he\u2019s asked to complete. We often give him specific instructions so […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,301],"tags":[584,585,8,592,591,730,729,593,731],"class_list":["post-3469","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-on-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-pay-for-chores","tag-tween-chores","tag-washington-post-parenting","tag-what-chores-for-kids"],"yoast_head":"\nI nag, my tween complains \u2014 how do we end the struggle over chores?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I\u2019m frustrated by how my tween son does the minimum amount of work for nearly every task he\u2019s asked to complete when it comes to chores\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/nag-tween-complains-end-struggle-chores\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"I nag, my tween complains \u2014 how do we end the struggle over chores?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I\u2019m frustrated by how my tween son does the minimum amount of work for nearly every task he\u2019s asked to complete when it comes to chores\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/nag-tween-complains-end-struggle-chores\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2017-02-22T16:29:16+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/new\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/shutterstock_378745366-300x300.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/nag-tween-complains-end-struggle-chores\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/nag-tween-complains-end-struggle-chores\/\",\"name\":\"I nag, my tween complains \u2014 how do we end the struggle over chores?\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2017-02-22T16:29:16+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2017-02-22T16:29:16+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"I\u2019m frustrated by how my tween son does the minimum amount of work for nearly every task he\u2019s asked to complete when it comes to chores\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/nag-tween-complains-end-struggle-chores\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/nag-tween-complains-end-struggle-chores\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/nag-tween-complains-end-struggle-chores\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"I nag, my tween complains \u2014 how do we end the struggle over chores?\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. 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