{"id":3832,"date":"2017-06-07T07:51:48","date_gmt":"2017-06-07T11:51:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3832"},"modified":"2017-06-07T07:51:48","modified_gmt":"2017-06-07T11:51:48","slug":"baby-loves-grandma","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/baby-loves-grandma\/","title":{"rendered":"What if my baby loves her grandma more than me?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\"\"Q: <\/b>I am in early pregnancy with my first child and am working. My plan is to use all of my hoarded leave and then go back to work, and my mother-in-law has volunteered to watch the child. We are close to MIL, and I like her and completely trust her parenting abilities. I see them in action with my 4-year-old niece, whom she watches several\u00a0days a week. But I am increasingly consumed with fear that my child will love her Nani more than me. When we go to MIL\u2019s house for dinner on days that she is watching her granddaughter, I see the kid hide and occasionally pitch a fit when her mom arrives to pick her up, because she doesn\u2019t want to leave Nani. If that were my kid, I\u2019m pretty sure that it would break me. It\u2019s not as if MIL encourages this or competes for the kid\u2019s affection \u2014 she is just loving. How can I deal with this guilt in advance? I keep reexamining the choice to work, even though we couldn\u2019t afford for me to stay home, and if I were a man like 90\u00a0percent of my co-workers, this most likely wouldn\u2019t be an issue.<\/em><\/p>\n

A: <\/b>I know you may roll your eyes at this, but what a wonderful problem you have. You have reliable, cost-effective, safe and loving child care, and she is family. It doesn\u2019t get much better than that. Yet I hear your worries, loud and clear. You haven\u2019t even had the baby yet, and your imagination has run wild. Mine would, too. It is crushing to imagine that your child would prefer your mother-in-law to you, but let this advice be a small primer on attachment. I hope I can put your worries to rest.<\/p>\n

When babies are born, they have the fewest attachments that they will ever have. Your child\u2019s life will depend on you and your spouse (or whatever caretaker steps up to the plate), so she will do everything in her power to make sure you take care of her 24\/7. If you could not be there to take care of her, your baby would move on to the next loving caregiver. Babies attach to anyone who loves them, but only a few of these people. It is disorienting to have too many people to attach to. That\u2019s because babies are working with stripped-down systems and can focus on only one person at a time. If the caregivers keep changing, babies have trouble coming to rest and feeling secure.<\/p>\n

The good news for you is that you have all of your leave to snuggle up to this baby, and trust me, this baby will be on you constantly. Your smell, voice, touch, taste and face will be the center of this baby\u2019s life. You are her lifeline, and this is no small thing. These early attachments set up her ability to safely attach to others for the rest of her life. (No pressure.)<\/p>\n

When it comes time to leave your baby with your MIL, you may feel heartbroken, or not. Make room for the possibility that it may not be as heart-rending as you think. True, I have yet to meet a woman who leaves her baby for the first time with nary a care in the world, and true, you will take on responsibilities and fatigue you have never known. But you may not be as miserable as you think.<\/p>\n

In any case, because you have good sense, you will bring your MIL around as soon as the baby is born so that the future separation is as painless as possible for your baby. She will recognize your MIL\u2019s smell, voice and touch. Although this will give your heart much comfort, it will also hurt you. This is the essence of being a parent. You know you are doing the right thing by helping your child bond to your MIL, but you are also going to feel worried and hurt at the thought of being supplanted. You will encounter this parenting issue over and over in your life: Doing what is right for your child will also cause your heart to hurt. This cannot be escaped.<\/p>\n

But remember: Children are built for this. For the entire time that humans have been around, they have lived in groups. In most cultures, the village of aunts, grandmothers, sisters, brothers, uncles and grandfathers raised children. You could not spend all of your time with your child \u2014 there was too much work to do, and the women were having multiple children. Many women died in childbirth (and still do), so everyone had to be able to care for babies. It is only recently that we have moved away from our families and raised our children in isolation. Although we have built a culture and an industry around this, it isn\u2019t healthy to be without our tribe (which is why if you don\u2019t live near your family, you make a family out of friends and people you hire).<\/p>\n

So babies have one main attachment at a time, but they are also biologically accustomed to being surrounded by family.<\/p>\n

Remember when I said your child has few attachments? This stays true for a while (until age 4, 5 or even 6). You are your baby\u2019s primary attachment, but when you hand her over to your MIL, your baby\u2019s attachment instincts transfer to your MIL. Your baby is depending physically and emotionally on your MIL. It isn\u2019t that she forgets you or doesn\u2019t need you \u2014 babies just live in real time. Their needs are in the right now, and their brains are focused on staying alive and having those needs met. Your MIL fits the bill, and because your baby will know her, your baby will relax and grow.<\/p>\n

But as you have seen with your niece, when the mom comes around, we have to remember where the attachment instincts are at that moment: with your MIL. So even though you are the best mom who has ever walked the Earth, your baby is attached to your MIL, and it takes a minute for her to re-acclimate to you. There has to be a reversal of her attachment instincts at that moment.<\/p>\n

So as you arrive, she clings to your MIL. When you take the baby to your MIL\u2019s house, the baby will cling to you. Back and forth, back and forth. This is normal and, depending on the baby\u2019s temperament, will go on for quite a while.<\/p>\n

You and your baby will have your routines, songs, foods and traditions. Trust that they will carry your special relationship through your baby\u2019s entire life.<\/p>\n

All of this is to say that you should go forth and parent confidently. I spent a good amount of time with my grandmother (Mom Mom) growing up, and I was her angel. My mom could have seen this as competition, but instead she was grateful and loved that my Mom Mom and I were close. My mom knew that more love for children is good. So, as your baby grows, know that allowing your mother-in-law to help raise her grandchild is a gift to every generation.<\/p>\n

Enjoy your pregnancy, and best of luck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q: I am in early pregnancy with my first child and am working. My plan is to use all of my hoarded leave and then go back to work, and my mother-in-law has volunteered to watch the child. We are close to MIL, and I like her and completely trust her parenting abilities. I see them in action with my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":3833,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[162,793,796,794,792,797,584,585,798,8,592,611,593,799,795],"class_list":["post-3832","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-attachment","tag-babies-and-attachment","tag-breast-pump","tag-child-care-woes","tag-leahy-parenting","tag-maternity-leave","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-on-parenting","tag-paid-leave","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-column","tag-washington-post-parenting","tag-what-childcare-is-best","tag-working-with-a-new-baby"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat if my baby loves her grandma more than me?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Meghan counsels a pregnant woman who is worried that her new baby will love grandma more than her after she goes back to work.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/baby-loves-grandma\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"What if my baby loves her grandma more than me?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Meghan counsels a pregnant woman who is worried that her new baby will love grandma more than her after she goes back to work.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/baby-loves-grandma\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2017-06-07T11:51:48+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/shutterstock_310732475.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"800\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"800\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/baby-loves-grandma\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/baby-loves-grandma\/\",\"name\":\"What if my baby loves her grandma more than me?\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2017-06-07T11:51:48+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2017-06-07T11:51:48+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"Meghan counsels a pregnant woman who is worried that her new baby will love grandma more than her after she goes back to work.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/baby-loves-grandma\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/baby-loves-grandma\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/baby-loves-grandma\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"What if my baby loves her grandma more than me?\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. 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