{"id":3849,"date":"2017-07-12T15:55:57","date_gmt":"2017-07-12T19:55:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3849"},"modified":"2017-07-12T15:55:57","modified_gmt":"2017-07-12T19:55:57","slug":"dad-offered-take-care-child-works-can-trust","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dad-offered-take-care-child-works-can-trust\/","title":{"rendered":"Her dad has offered to take care of her child while she works. But can she trust him?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>I am a new mom and a single parent. My child-care costs are mostly covered by my employer until my child is a year old. After that, my father has offered to keep the child during the day. This would save me a huge amount of money and really help, but I don\u2019t trust my father. It\u2019s not that I think he would ever do anything to harm my child; he\u2019s a good man. But when my brothers and I were growing up, he wasn\u2019t there. He was always working and never home, and my mother raised us. He is retired now, but I don\u2019t believe my father knows how to properly care for a child. And even though my mom will also be there to help, there is an even bigger problem: My father doesn\u2019t listen to anyone. He thinks his way is the best way, and even if someone tells him specifically not to do something, he will do it behind their back and then either not tell them or act as if it\u2019s no big deal when they find out. So if I tell him, \u201cI don\u2019t want my child to eat mac and cheese for every meal,\u201d he will say \u201cokay\u201d to my face and then do it anyway. Free child care for the foreseeable future is an awesome offer, and I would be thrilled to have my mother looking after my baby. But I don\u2019t know what to do about my dad.<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>You are not alone. Single parents, two-parent households, two-income households \u2014 almost every family makeup you can think of faces challenges finding affordable care. And while our country struggles with this, parents are left to cobble together a plan using family members, neighbors, day cares, nannies and au pairs until the children are old enough to go to school. It is difficult.<\/p>\n

What struck me the most in your letter, though, was this line: \u201cI don\u2019t trust my father.\u201d That is the beginning and end of what I need to know about your decision regarding child care. I want to give your father the benefit of the doubt, because many new parents have standards that frankly are unreasonable, making almost every form of child care untenable.<\/p>\n

For instance, I wanted my children to eat no sugar between 1 and 6 p.m., and I was annoyed when my mother-in-law offered cookies rather than apples while she watched them. I eventually moved past that thinking, but there is no telling how many hours of child care I squandered because of my worry and controlling ways. You need to ask yourself: \u201cWhat am I really worried about? Does it impact the emotional and physical well-being of my child?\u201d You have the right to adhere to your standards, but saving tens of thousands of dollars might make it worthwhile to allow some mac and cheese.<\/p>\n

I began to lose the benefit of the doubt, though, when you said that he doesn\u2019t listen to anyone. Not even his wife, who is experienced with child care? And, more to the point, why is the child care only with him if your mom is there, too? Is she so pushed to the side that she doesn\u2019t get included? If he begins to feed the baby whole grapes, will she stand by, whispering, \u201cNo, that\u2019s a bad idea\u201d?<\/p>\n

If you cannot have confidence that your father will defer to his wife at times, I think you know your answer. He doesn\u2019t have to be grandfather of the year, but he must have enough humility to ask for and receive help.<\/p>\n

The good news is that you have\u00a0a year to figure this out. Here\u2019s what I would do in that time:<\/p>\n

1. Invest in someone to help you look at your finances, and start planning. With some careful thought and research, you can find child-care options that you can afford and feel better about. A quick Internet search yielded plenty of resources for single parents and\u00a0finances, such as Single Mother Guide (singlemotherguide.com<\/a>).<\/p>\n

2. Have some candid conversations with your parents. Begin by expressing gratitude for their generous offer (it is generous), and have a written list of your baby-care needs. A list will keep the focus on the baby, rather than on trivial affronts or personal problems. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention does a nice job on\u00a0its website<\/a>\u00a0of outlining the basics of what you should look for, and your pediatrician could add to this.<\/p>\n

3. Speak to both parents together. Include your mother in\u00a0every conversation and speak to them as equals. This will tell you a lot about how this child-care situation would work. If your father is obstinate, disrespectful or completely dismissive of your mother, he may not listen to her, or even you, when it matters.<\/p>\n

4. Consider a hybrid approach to child care, because I love the idea of your parents helping. Entering single parenthood brings many joys, but it will be daunting and extraordinarily expensive. Could your parents pick up your child at day care in the afternoon or just keep him in the morning? Could they help you while you do things to take care of yourself? How else can they be involved so that they have a relationship with their grandchild?<\/p>\n

I wish your father were more open to listening and learning from others, but the priority must be caring for yourself and for your baby. Start with your finances and go from there. Stay open to the unexpected and don\u2019t give up on your parents; they may surprise you.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
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Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0I am a new mom and a single parent. My child-care costs are mostly covered by my employer until my child is a year old. After that, my father has offered to keep the child during the day. This would save me a huge amount of money and really help, but I don\u2019t trust my father. 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