{"id":3909,"date":"2017-08-16T07:46:31","date_gmt":"2017-08-16T11:46:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3909"},"modified":"2017-08-16T07:46:31","modified_gmt":"2017-08-16T11:46:31","slug":"hate-respond-4-year-olds-insults","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/hate-respond-4-year-olds-insults\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018I hate you\u2019: How to respond to a 4-year-old\u2019s insults"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
Q: <\/b>Our 4-year-old will often (as in several times a day) call people bad names, specifically his dad and me. When he becomes upset about not being able to get or do what he wants (\u201cNo, you cannot have a Popsicle right before dinner\u201d), he will call us a name (\u201cDum-dum\u201d is his favorite right now) and say \u201cI hate you!\u201d His dad and I are struggling with how to address this. I have tried ignoring him, taking away privileges (no Popsicle after dinner either), explaining how hurtful the words are and responding with hugs, but the behavior continues. It\u2019s hurtful and disrespectful.
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

A: <\/b>My mother has a saying: \u201cOnly a mother can love a \u00ad4-year-old.\u201d<\/p>\n

Four-year-olds are notoriously tough. Developmentally speaking, they\u2019re at a crossroads. Their language skills, as well as their ability to communicate their needs and desires, are often exploding. They can pay attention to multiple instructions. Their motor skills are allowing them to move about the world with more ease.<\/p>\n

With these increased language skills, we begin to see 4-year-olds move from tantrums and physical violence to insults and name-calling. Why? Because a child gets frustrated when something doesn\u2019t work. Not getting a Popsicle before dinner is a great example. Your son doesn\u2019t have the maturity to understand that sugar before dinner is not in his best interest.\u00a0And when anyone experiences frustration, two options emerge: change what is frustrating or accept it and adapt. A child, being young and immature, will try to change your mind \u2014 inartfully, to say the least. Calling you a \u201cdum-dum\u201d is an expression of his anger toward your boundary. It is the same as saying \u201cno\u201d to a 2-year-old who then hits or bites or to a 3-year-old who then screams or cries. It is odd to think of it this way, but his name-calling is a small sign of maturity, emotionally speaking. Tough sell, right?<\/p>\n

Am I saying that it feels good to be told, \u201cI hate you,\u201d by someone for whom you have probably sacrificed a great deal? No. It stings. I still remember the shock the first time my eldest told me she hated me. It concerned clothing choices (I kept forcing her out of pajamas), and she had had it with me. I got an \u201cI hate you\u201d and \u201cYou are a terrible mom.\u201d Looking back, I think she was preparing me for her adolescent years. And guess what? It still stings! Whether a child is 13, 10 or 4, it doesn\u2019t feel good to be called names. But it isn\u2019t personal. You have to repeat this to yourself every day: The name-calling is not personal.<\/p>\n

But there are steps we can take to lessen it:<\/p>\n

1. Don\u2019t take the bait. When you get called a name, understand that you are witnessing a burst of frustration and that using too much rational thought, reasoning, punishment or bribes will increase that frustration. Your role is to hold your boundary without trying to increase the frustration. Taking the bait makes it seem like you\u2019re saying:\u00a0\u201cIt is not acceptable for you to call me dum-dum. If you do it again, we won\u2019t go to the park.\u201d You might decide to not take your son to the park because he is having a meltdown, but don\u2019t offer it as a punishment for name-calling. You will only get more frustration and more name-calling. Remember that you\u2019re trying to mitigate that.<\/p>\n

2. Reduce your son\u2019s frustration when possible. Find ways to answer him with an enthusiastic \u201cyes\u201d wherever and whenever you can. Can there be a \u201cyes\u201d to a Popsicle before dinner? Better yet, can the Popsicle be your idea? I say this because when we can anticipate our children\u2019s needs and meet them before our children ask, we bring a great deal of relaxation to the parent-child relationship. And no, this isn\u2019t spoiling. Spoiling occurs when your son breaks you down with tantrums and name-calling and you give in to his demands.<\/p>\n

3. When he calls you a name, pivot to the emotion he is expressing. \u201cI know you love Popsicles, and I get how frustrating it is to not have one right now.\u201d And then stop talking. You don\u2019t have to explain your reasoning. Just show that you understand your son and that you\u2019re not moving your boundary. This helps him identify his emotions while still realizing that your \u201cno\u201d stands. If you want to change your mind, own it. \u201cI have decided that I want to give you a Popsicle, and I\u2019m eating one, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

4. Understand that your son\u2019s frustration will lead to much-wanted resilience later in life. The boundary he\u2019s bumping into (and hating) will help him accept the bigger nos later (technology, curfews, etc.). And I hate to break it to you, but even though it feels bad, he\u2019s getting you ready for more hurt. As you continue to hold your boundaries, he will push and call you names more. You will dance with it, and consequences will occur, but all this \u201cdum-dum\u201d stuff doesn\u2019t define your relationship, nor does it show whether he respects you. Always keep your connection front and center. Think of the long journey and don\u2019t get caught up in these little hiccups. Good luck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q: Our 4-year-old will often (as in several times a day) call people bad names, specifically his dad and me. When he becomes upset about not being able to get or do what he wants (\u201cNo, you cannot have a Popsicle right before dinner\u201d), he will call us a name (\u201cDum-dum\u201d is his favorite right now) and say \u201cI hate […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":3910,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[612,273,832,831],"class_list":["post-3909","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-4-year-old","tag-development","tag-i-hate-you","tag-name-calling"],"yoast_head":"\n\u2018I hate you\u2019: How to respond to a 4-year-old\u2019s insults<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Our 4-year-old will often (several times a day) call people bad names, specifically his dad and me. 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