{"id":3943,"date":"2017-09-08T07:34:27","date_gmt":"2017-09-08T11:34:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3943"},"modified":"2017-09-08T07:35:27","modified_gmt":"2017-09-08T11:35:27","slug":"dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/","title":{"rendered":"Don\u2019t blame genetics for daughter\u2019s sassy demeanor. It\u2019s more nurture than nature."},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
Q:\u00a0<\/b>I\u2019m looking for advice on how to deal with my \u00adalmost-6-year-old\u2019s exceedingly snarky attitude. I know that eye-rolling, talking back, etc., are fairly age-appropriate, but, as our day-care provider put it, she\u2019s the \u201csassiest little girl\u201d she\u2019s ever worked with in her decades as a preschool teacher. I was similar as a child, and my parents told me repeatedly that my attitude stunk and that I was unpleasant to be around. It wasn\u2019t until I was older and realized how many friendships had ended because of my attitude that I was able to make a change. What can I do for my daughter? I have no idea whether this \u201chave attitude, lose friends, learn from mistake\u201d process is inevitable. On the one hand, I want her to be a little sassy, unafraid to speak her mind and not polite to a fault. On the other hand, how do I get her to see that this level of attitude may alienate her? I don\u2019t want to change her. I just want her to understand the value of a filter to temper how she comes across.<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>There are a number of red flags in this question, and I want to address them so that we can clarify the real issue. I am not being critical of you; rather, I want to highlight a few concerns so that we can identify what you can change in your parenting life.<\/p>\n

First, eye-rolling, talking back, etc., are not age-appropriate behaviors for your daughter. Although we sometimes see this in children of many ages, constant snark and sass are not appropriate. This is a sign of deeper frustration. I want to steer you away from the \u201clittle girls are just sassy\u201d way of thinking. It is the equivalent of saying \u201cboys will be boys\u201d when little boys are violent, and I know we can look deeper here.<\/p>\n

Second, sassiness and snark are not genetic. I know it is easy to see yourself in your child, but sassiness is not passed down through genes. Am I saying that I don\u2019t see generations of strong-willed women, one after another? Of course not. But this is more nurture than nature. If you look at temperament scales, outgoing parents can have outgoing children, and shy parents can have shy children. But sassiness? There is no sassiness temperament. Sassiness is a sign of something else.<\/p>\n

Third, it can be fairly normal for children to be rude at home while acting like angels at school, but your daughter is being called the \u201csassiest little girl\u201d in day care from a provider who has decades of experience. What is the day-care provider doing about this? Is everyone shrugging their shoulders like, \u201cWell, she\u2019s just completely obnoxious, and there\u2019s nothing we can do about it.\u201d I am concerned that there are lots of labels being put on your daughter but no help being offered.<\/p>\n

Fourth, you are identifying with your daughter in a way that is preventing you from helping her. It seems clear from your note that you had a tough time when you were younger and paid for it. This suffering does not have to be your daughter\u2019s fate, and you don\u2019t have to either go nuclear or just let her sort it out on her own. She\u2019s almost 6 and needs some strong guidance, so let\u2019s get to it.<\/p>\n

Regular and chronic sassiness and disrespect are a sign of deep discouragement and defensiveness in a child. Let\u2019s say you\u2019re married and don\u2019t feel like your spouse is listening to you and your opinions. You feel shut out, dismissed and rejected. Your impulses could go a couple of ways, depending on your alarm instincts. If you\u2019re like me, you are going to fight. You are going to confront, get mean and attack. Others retreat. They shut down, walk away and seek to avoid this pain. But the fighters? They will push, and then they will shut people out. So if your spouse asks you for your opinion and you have felt down and out for a long time, your heart will say: \u201cOh, heck no. I don\u2019t trust this at all.\u201d And you very well may give an eye-roll and a smart comment. Your heart is saying: \u201cYou have been too hurt by this dismissal. I am going to protect you, even if it hurts the situation.\u201d<\/p>\n

Your daughter is defending herself against listening to people and taking instruction because her heart and mind have decided that is not safe. There is a little wall around your daughter\u2019s heart, and every time she even perceives that she is being attacked or bullied, the wall springs up, protects her and becomes stronger.<\/p>\n

She is not necessarily doing anything wrong. For very sensitive children, it\u2019s a natural defense against vulnerability. They are taking in so much sensory information and experiencing so many emotions that their minds and hearts become overwhelmed and say, \u201cThat\u2019s enough,\u201d and the children shut down.<\/p>\n

First bit of homework: Stop calling your daughter sassy. Rename this emotion discouragement, and you will instantly begin to have more empathy for her. Labeling her as sassy doesn\u2019t help her mature. It keeps her boxed in as a pain in the bottom, and you both don\u2019t need that. Also, don\u2019t take all this eye-rolling personally. Does this mean that you like it or don\u2019t care? Of course not. Just remember that she is reacting to emotions of alarm and protection. She is not consciously trying to hurt you.<\/p>\n

Second bit of homework: You cannot demand respect or kindness from her. It will make her even more frustrated. The way into her heart is through small doses of connection in non-threatening ways. For instance, is there a project you can work on together where she can find her voice and have agency over something? Dedicate only a bit of time to this every day, because too much one-on-one time will discourage her.<\/p>\n

When she is sassy, relabel it as frustration right then and there. When she rolls her eyes, say, \u201cI see how frustrated you are with this decision.\u201d The more we can put names to her feelings, the more we can move her from \u201csassy,\u201d \u201csnarky\u201d and \u201cbad\u201d to \u201cfrustrated,\u201d \u201cdiscouraged\u201d and \u201csad.\u201d These words will help you communicate with her about her true feelings.<\/p>\n

Place some boundaries on her behavior. For instance, let her know that if she has a play date and acts this way, her friend will leave immediately. Make good on this the first time it happens. She will throw a tantrum of epic proportions, but as long as you don\u2019t punish her and put your relationship on the line, she will adapt. Don\u2019t draw boundaries everywhere (you will never stop fighting), but choose your lines thoughtfully and stick with your rule.<\/p>\n

Finally, take a listening stance whenever possible. When she says something rude, say: \u201cSounds like you really don\u2019t like that idea. I wonder what you are really thinking.\u201d Then pause. See what happens.<\/p>\n

I will warn you that if your daughter has been acting this way for a long time, things won\u2019t work themselves out overnight. Children who push boundaries can be frustrating, so do what you need to do to keep your feelings in check as you do this heavy emotional lifting. But this can get better! Good luck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0I\u2019m looking for advice on how to deal with my \u00adalmost-6-year-old\u2019s exceedingly snarky attitude. I know that eye-rolling, talking back, etc., are fairly age-appropriate, but, as our day-care provider put it, she\u2019s the \u201csassiest little girl\u201d she\u2019s ever worked with in her decades as a preschool teacher. I was similar as a child, and my parents told me repeatedly that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":3942,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[584,585,8,592,591,833,834,821,593],"class_list":["post-3943","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-on-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-sassy-girl","tag-strong-girl","tag-stubborn-child","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nDon\u2019t blame genetics for daughter\u2019s sassy demeanor. It\u2019s more nurture than nature.<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A parent is looking for advice on how to deal with an \u00adalmost-6-year-old\u2019s exceedingly sassy attitude. Meghan advises that it is more nurture than nature.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Don\u2019t blame genetics for daughter\u2019s sassy demeanor. It\u2019s more nurture than nature.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A parent is looking for advice on how to deal with an \u00adalmost-6-year-old\u2019s exceedingly sassy attitude. Meghan advises that it is more nurture than nature.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2017-09-08T11:34:27+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2017-09-08T11:35:27+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/shutterstock_256529992-1024x1024.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1024\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1024\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/\",\"name\":\"Don\u2019t blame genetics for daughter\u2019s sassy demeanor. It\u2019s more nurture than nature.\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2017-09-08T11:34:27+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2017-09-08T11:35:27+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"A parent is looking for advice on how to deal with an \u00adalmost-6-year-old\u2019s exceedingly sassy attitude. Meghan advises that it is more nurture than nature.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Don\u2019t blame genetics for daughter\u2019s sassy demeanor. It\u2019s more nurture than nature.\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. Plain and simple.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Meghan Leahy\"}}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Don\u2019t blame genetics for daughter\u2019s sassy demeanor. It\u2019s more nurture than nature.","description":"A parent is looking for advice on how to deal with an \u00adalmost-6-year-old\u2019s exceedingly sassy attitude. Meghan advises that it is more nurture than nature.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Don\u2019t blame genetics for daughter\u2019s sassy demeanor. It\u2019s more nurture than nature.","og_description":"A parent is looking for advice on how to deal with an \u00adalmost-6-year-old\u2019s exceedingly sassy attitude. Meghan advises that it is more nurture than nature.","og_url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/","og_site_name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","article_published_time":"2017-09-08T11:34:27+00:00","article_modified_time":"2017-09-08T11:35:27+00:00","og_image":[{"width":1024,"height":1024,"url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/shutterstock_256529992-1024x1024.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Meghan Leahy","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Meghan Leahy","Est. reading time":"6 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/","name":"Don\u2019t blame genetics for daughter\u2019s sassy demeanor. It\u2019s more nurture than nature.","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website"},"datePublished":"2017-09-08T11:34:27+00:00","dateModified":"2017-09-08T11:35:27+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d"},"description":"A parent is looking for advice on how to deal with an \u00adalmost-6-year-old\u2019s exceedingly sassy attitude. Meghan advises that it is more nurture than nature.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/dont-blame-genetics-daughters-sassy-demeanor-nurture-nature\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Don\u2019t blame genetics for daughter\u2019s sassy demeanor. It\u2019s more nurture than nature."}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/","name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","description":"Helping parents. Plain and simple.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d","name":"Meghan Leahy","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Meghan Leahy"}}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3943"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3943"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3943\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3944,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3943\/revisions\/3944"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3942"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3943"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3943"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3943"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}