{"id":3963,"date":"2017-10-11T14:21:18","date_gmt":"2017-10-11T18:21:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3963"},"modified":"2017-10-11T14:21:18","modified_gmt":"2017-10-11T18:21:18","slug":"explain-family-trauma-7-year-old-consider-telling-truth","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/explain-family-trauma-7-year-old-consider-telling-truth\/","title":{"rendered":"How to explain a family trauma to a 7-year-old? Consider telling her the truth."},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
Q:\u00a0<\/b>My oldest child, 19, recently moved home from college after surviving a sexual assault. She is, thankfully, beginning to get the help she needs. I\u2019m writing to you about my younger daughter, who is 7. She sees that something is up with my oldest and is constantly worried about her, asking things like \u201cIs Susie okay? Why won\u2019t she play with me?\u201d I\u2019ve been telling her that \u201cSusie\u201d isn\u2019t feeling well and that we need to give her space. But I can\u2019t keep this up forever. What should I tell my younger daughter about what happened to her sister? I don\u2019t want to scare her, and I don\u2019t know whether she\u2019s ready for the sexual assault talk.<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>I am so sorry your oldest daughter was sexually assaulted, and I wish her love, strength and healing. Your family has experienced a trauma, and although I am encouraged that your daughter is receiving the help she needs, I would also invite you to make sure that you, too, are receiving support. Therapists and therapy groups can offer you a safe place to let out your anger and grief.<\/p>\n

As for your 7-year-old, here\u2019s the thing with kids in the midst of a crisis: They feel everything. The younger the children, the less they understand what they are feeling. But your daughter knows that something is up. She notices the whispers during phone calls, the doors that close, the anguish in her family members\u2019 faces, the fake smiles, the half-truths and lies. She can tell that everyone is dancing around something.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, younger kids (and older kids, too) assume that all the weird energy is about them. Children are focused on themselves \u2014 and that is how it is supposed to be. Development and maturity work so that focus begins with\u00a0me<\/i>\u00a0and then moves out to\u00a0you<\/i>, and then we become\u00a0us<\/i>. It\u2019s why true sharing and empathy can take so long to develop (so much longer than the\u00a0forced sharing we place upon 2-year-olds and 3-year-olds).<\/p>\n

The good news? Your daughter is 7, and if everything is proceeding as planned, she has entered the age of reason. Many children around her age have less of a black-and-white understanding of the world and know instead that it exists mostly in gray. They can generally understand \u201con the one hand, on the other hand\u201d thinking.<\/p>\n

But this doesn\u2019t mean that your daughter can stay in this mature place all the time or even all that long. Many 7-year-olds can show great maturity and empathy, only to have big emotions the next moment. This is normal. Remember, a 7-year-old is still young. Her maturity is just picking up speed.<\/p>\n

Why do I tell you this? I am suggesting that your daughter may be mature enough to handle some truth here. It may sound like \u201cVeronica, a person hurt Susie at school, and she needed to come home to get better. Have you ever needed to come home and rest after someone hurt your body or feelings at school?\u201d See where the conversation goes from there.<\/p>\n

I strongly encourage you to answer the questions as honestly and age-appropriately as you can. Do I want you to get into the details of the sexual assault? Not necessarily. But let me put it to you this way: If someone had punched and kicked your older daughter \u2014 a straight-up physical assault \u2014 would you be hiding in shame and keeping the details so private? Wouldn\u2019t you tell your younger daughter, \u201cVeronica, someone really hurt Susie at school, and her body and heart need to heal.\u201d Would there be shame in that? No. But because your older daughter was sexually assaulted \u2014 and because women still take on the blame for sexual assault in this country \u2014 we instantly begin to lie and whisper and dance around the truth.<\/p>\n

\u00a0You might begin to have conversations that address sex and sexuality, so be ready to explain some basic concepts (if you haven\u2019t already done so). There are some lovely books that can help you tremendously with this topic. I like \u201cWhat\u2019s the Big Secret?: Talking About Sex With Girls and Boys<\/a>,\u201d by Laurie Krasny Brown, and \u201cIt\u2019s Perfectly Normal<\/a>,\u201d by Robie H. Harris (meant for slightly older children, 10 and up). Remember, you don\u2019t need to have perfect answers; you just need to be a listening ear and a source of age-appropriate honesty.<\/div>\n
\n

While gently telling your 7-year-old the truth, remember that this is a long conversation, not a one-time gig. You want to maintain an \u201call feelings welcome\u201d stance in the home while everyone heals. It is appropriate for the 7-year-old to feel sad, angry, worried, scared and lonely. She has her big sister there, but not \u201cthere,\u201d and it is clearly hurting her feelings. You don\u2019t have to fix anything; you just\u00a0have to keep the feelings moving. \u201cYes, it is hard when Susie doesn\u2019t want to talk to you. I can imagine how sad it makes you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Truthfully, you can\u2019t fix anything here, but if your youngest can see you as a container for her sadness, your family will make it through this hard period.<\/p>\n

I wish you healing and ease.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0My oldest child, 19, recently moved home from college after surviving a sexual assault. She is, thankfully, beginning to get the help she needs. I\u2019m writing to you about my younger daughter, who is 7. She sees that something is up with my oldest and is constantly worried about her, asking things like \u201cIs Susie okay? Why won\u2019t she play […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":3964,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,301],"tags":[849,491,850,584,8,592,591,750,847,848,593],"class_list":["post-3963","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-date-rape","tag-depression","tag-family-trauma","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-parenting-trends","tag-sexual-assault","tag-sexual-assault-college","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to explain a family trauma to a 7-year-old? 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