{"id":3971,"date":"2017-10-25T15:45:37","date_gmt":"2017-10-25T19:45:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3971"},"modified":"2018-06-13T11:29:02","modified_gmt":"2018-06-13T15:29:02","slug":"hes-shy-mom-wants-know-whats-wrong","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/hes-shy-mom-wants-know-whats-wrong\/","title":{"rendered":"He\u2019s shy, and his mom wants to know what\u2019s wrong"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>My 6-year-old seems to be a pretty happy little guy, but I\u2019m worried about his self-esteem. When asked questions about himself or his opinion, he is unable to think of an answer. (Example: A neighbor recently asked, \u201cDo you like\u00a0first grade?\u201d and he looked at me for an answer and was unable to reply.) His teacher tells me he does this in class, too, for simple questions such as what his favorite color or food is. He\u2019s very smart but seems terrified of giving the \u201cwrong\u201d answer. I\u2019ve signed him up for activities\u00a0to engage him and raise his confidence (soccer, art class, running), but he still seems meek, hanging back in crowds and preferring to be last in line. I understand that part of this may be his personality \u2014 he\u2019s clearly not aggressive or competitive. But I also want him to be able to\u00a0assert himself and not be pushed around, and I want him to be confident. How can I help him find his voice? He\u2019s a happy kid and chatty with his family and friends. But in unfamiliar settings and large groups, he clams up. Any ideas?<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>This kind of shyness is common in children, and it is not a disorder or even a problem. I don\u2019t know anything about your family. I don\u2019t know whether you are experiencing a trauma or transition, and I don\u2019t know about the disposition of you and your partner. In lieu of this information, I am going to explain the theory behind why children are shy in front of adults and strangers and see whether we can understand your son a little more.<\/p>\n

In developmental theory, there is a reason that children become shy around strangers (usually when the baby is between 7 and 9 months old). Babies can attach to almost anyone who cares for them. Why? Their primary needs are that they are held, fed, clothed, diapered, cleaned, spoken to and picked up when they cry. Because of the fragility of humans (women dying during childbirth is still not uncommon), babies must be able to attach to any caregiver. But as babies grow and their caregiver stays the same, they become more comfortable with that person and form a deeper and deeper attachment.<\/p>\n

Because the healthy development of humans and some other mammals depends on this emotional dependence and vulnerability, it would stand to reason that a young child has few deep attachments. Your son cannot take cues from every adult in his life. He learned to speak from listening and mimicking you. He learned to get dressed and eat from watching and mimicking you. When he began to have ideas and opinions of his own, he shared what was in his heart with you. Why? Because he is emotionally and physically safe with you. And you say yourself that your son is chatty and happy around those with whom he feels safest. Great! That\u2019s what you want. Even introverts are free and animated around those with whom they are most connected. So we have one simple answer as to why your son clams up around people he doesn\u2019t know well: He doesn\u2019t feel safe with them.<\/p>\n

But there is also something else that I am reading in your letter: a misunderstanding of what it means to have self-esteem and confidence. I think you know deep down that you cannot force your son to have confidence when you write, \u201cI understand that part of this may be his personality.\u201d There was never a point in your life when you were an empty vessel, waiting for someone to pour in self-esteem. Being confident and courageous means having a healthy and reasonable fear and going after what you desire anyway. True confidence requires that we talk to ourselves a bit. \u201cThis is scary, but I can do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Confidence requires maturity, and no one has been bullied into maturity. So my fancy advice? Lay off. He is 6. He doesn\u2019t need constant activities, and they aren\u2019t working. He is still timid and hanging back. Will there be a time when he enjoys being part of such groups? Maybe. Until then, don\u2019t see his participation as a fix for a boy with whom there is nothing wrong.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

In the meantime, accept him completely for who he is. Play with him and say: \u201cJeez, it makes me nervous when people ask me questions right on the spot. What about you? Let\u2019s play a game where we answer the questions with total silliness!\u201d And then he can ask you your favorite food, and you can blurt out, \u201cBoogers!\u201d And then ask him, and he\u2019ll blurt out something funny. Keep role-playing and giggling until you see a little spark in him. The spark will feel simultaneously like relaxation and excitement. Then you can work on real answers.<\/p>\n

Above all, accept him for who he is. We don\u2019t need any more \u201cstrong\u201d men marching around. We need sensitive, bright and caring men who are brave enough to take the last spot in line. Don\u2019t be afraid of that.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Are you interested in getting parenting support?\u00a0Click Here<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0My 6-year-old seems to be a pretty happy little guy, but I\u2019m worried about his self-esteem. When asked questions about himself or his opinion, he is unable to think of an answer. (Example: A neighbor recently asked, \u201cDo you like\u00a0first grade?\u201d and he looked at me for an answer and was unable to reply.) His teacher tells me he does […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":3972,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[862,863,860,584,585,8,592,864,750,744,861,593],"class_list":["post-3971","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-can-you-teach-confdience","tag-how-to-raise-a-confident-kid","tag-introvert","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-on-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tip","tag-parenting-trends","tag-shy-child","tag-susan-cain","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nHe\u2019s shy, and his mom wants to know what\u2019s wrong<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"\u00a0My 6-year-old seems to be a happy kid and chatty with his family and friends. 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