{"id":3977,"date":"2017-11-01T11:39:58","date_gmt":"2017-11-01T15:39:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=3977"},"modified":"2017-11-01T11:39:58","modified_gmt":"2017-11-01T15:39:58","slug":"exhausted-4-year-olds-repetitive-games-can","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/exhausted-4-year-olds-repetitive-games-can\/","title":{"rendered":"We\u2019re exhausted by our 4-year-old\u2019s repetitive games. What can we do?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
Q:\u00a0<\/b>How can I encourage my 4-year-old to play more independently? All he wants to do is reenact imaginary stories (mostly the same few), and it requires my spouse and I to play specific roles and say specific things. He sees toys only as props for these games. He is in school all day, so I do want to play with him in the evenings, as it\u2019s our only time. But it\u2019s exhausting and, frankly, boring. He is an only child, so he has no sibling to play with.<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>I have to confess that I laughed when I read this because I vividly remember playing \u201cvery sick patient\u201d while my eldest daughter was \u201cthe doctor.\u201d She took my temperature, gave me Band-Aids, checked my eyes and put washcloths on my forehead. I remember thinking: \u201cI will never leave this couch. I am going to die of boredom here. I will be a patient forever.\u201d<\/p>\n

Of course, I eventually left the couch. My daughter grew up, and I will be sentimental: I would give anything to lie on the couch and spend another easy afternoon with her.<\/p>\n

But.<\/p>\n

That does not mean that you aren\u2019t genuinely tired of being the entertainment for your child every night. You are tired, and, after working all day, it is hard to find the energy for all this scripted play. So, let\u2019s try to accomplish two goals: One, let\u2019s discuss why it is developmentally normal for your son to orchestrate play this way, and two, let\u2019s come up with ways to lessen your frustration.<\/p>\n

Four-year-olds are amazing creatures. Finally gaining some control over their bodies, most \u00ad4-year-olds are old enough to (sometimes) verbalize many of their frustrations, needs and desires, as well as their big imaginations. And 4-year-olds have huge imaginations! Think of the things that 4-year-olds believe in: Santa, a bunny who delivers candy, the tooth fairy \u2014 and that\u2019s just the beginning. If you take 4-year-olds to a magic show, they are fully committed and believe every trick. And because most 4-year-olds are still pretty black and white in their thinking, that critiquing part of the mind is not getting in the way. If you tell 4-year-olds you saw a mermaid, their eyes will widen as they ask: \u201cWhere? Did she talk to you?\u201d<\/p>\n

This magical thinking has an important developmental role in your son\u2019s life. In fact, the primary goals of preschoolers are to get rest (emotional and physical), have tears (adapting to what they cannot change) and play (practicing for the realities of life). While your son is setting up scenarios with scripts and using toys as props, he is practicing life without consequences. Isn\u2019t that amazing? In play, your son can experiment with any scenario he imagines, and if something goes wrong, he has the power to change the game, abandon it or create a whole new scenario. This is how the brain grows and learns, not from adult-prescribed play or outcome-based games. Every great teacher knows that the best preschool toys are those that can be used toward many ends, not just one purpose. All of this is to say: Don\u2019t worry about this type of play. It\u2019s developmentally normal. Don\u2019t try to change it.<\/p>\n

What I will focus on is your frustration. There are two issues at play. First, it is okay for you to be bored. It is normal to tire of this activity and its repetitive nature. As an adult, you have a mature brain, ever whirling and taking you out of the present. A mature brain, though wonderful in its ability to make decisions and think about the future, has trouble staying focused on one thing at a time. And your son? He is purely in the moment. There\u2019s no dinner to worry about or work emails to check or laundry to turn over. He has his scenario and is utterly focused on it. To expect him to be considerate of your feelings is unreasonable, and to expect yourself to be utterly focused on this type of play is also shortsighted. But it is within your power to place yourself in the moment and fully enjoy it, rather than count the minutes and fuel your resentment. You can decide (truly, you can) to give yourself over to playing. And while you may never prefer this type of play, you can delight in your son\u2019s joy, creativity and imagination. And that is worth its weight in gold.<\/p>\n

But it is perfectly okay to place boundaries around this evening routine. Although it is not your son\u2019s job to understand your needs and take care of you, it is also not your role to stay at his beck and call as soon as you pick him up from school. Please understand that his neediness will peak after school, so we need to dance with it. But if your son controls too much of the nightly routine, you run the risk of parental burnout. Although you need to deeply connect with him, this connection does not require spending hours every night mired in a three-act drama written by your 4-year-old.<\/p>\n

The problem isn\u2019t the scenarios and the scripts \u2014 it\u2019s whether your son is running the show. Is he always in the driver\u2019s seat? If you find that you\u2019re always the recipient of his ideas, the result can be a subtle but palpable shift in power. Is it a crisis to allow your son to lead the play? No. But let\u2019s do it in a way that puts you back in charge.<\/p>\n

Some ideas:<\/p>\n

1. Time the play with enthusiasm and joy. Say something like \u201cI cannot wait to\u00a0play \u2018selling cheeseburgers\u2019 with you. I love being the chef, and I cannot wait to make the cheeseburgers and fries and milkshakes. I want to make chocolate milkshakes! Today, I\u00a0am setting a timer for 15\u00a0minutes, and when the timer goes off, we will stop playing and begin making dinner.\u201d Stay crystal clear about what is happening.<\/p>\n

2. Give your son something else to do when the timer goes off. \u201cI can play with you now, but after the timer goes off, I want you to keep playing right here in the kitchen while we cook.\u201d Give strong direction and stay nearby, but .\u2009.\u2009.<\/p>\n

3. Get ready for some serious tears. Even though you are being reasonable and fair and kind, remember: Four-year-olds are emotional creatures, and your son will not like these boundaries, especially after leading the evening routine for so long. If he pushes against the boundaries, begs, throws a fit and screams, it is not misbehavior. We want him to experience the frustration of not getting what he wants, and we want him to cry about it. Yes, cry. Not getting what you want is tough when you\u2019re little, but it happens, and we can kindly get your son ready for this reality.<\/p>\n

4. No matter the tantrum or shenanigans, be sure to tuck him in at night and say something like \u201cI loved playing with you tonight. I think next time I will make a double burger!\u201d See whether you can get a twinkle in his eye and a smile. What you are doing is focusing on the next time you\u2019ll play together and how much you love it.<\/p>\n

Stay flexible, stay in the driver\u2019s seat, and try to remember that these years and this time will end. I say this not to guilt you; it is simply a matter of fact. Good luck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0How can I encourage my 4-year-old to play more independently? All he wants to do is reenact imaginary stories (mostly the same few), and it requires my spouse and I to play specific roles and say specific things. He sees toys only as props for these games. He is in school all day, so I do want to play with […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":3979,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[612,584,585,8,868,592,591,865,867,866,869,593],"class_list":["post-3977","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-4-year-old","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-on-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-a-four-year-old","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-play-and-children","tag-play-independently","tag-preschool-and-play","tag-preschooler-parenting","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nWe\u2019re exhausted by our 4-year-old\u2019s repetitive games. 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