{"id":4013,"date":"2017-12-14T11:03:08","date_gmt":"2017-12-14T16:03:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4013"},"modified":"2018-06-13T11:18:00","modified_gmt":"2018-06-13T15:18:00","slug":"weve-tried-sticker-charts-bigger-bed-coddling-nothing-solves-toddlers-sleep-troubles","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/parenting\/weve-tried-sticker-charts-bigger-bed-coddling-nothing-solves-toddlers-sleep-troubles\/","title":{"rendered":"We\u2019ve tried sticker charts, a bigger bed, coddling. Nothing solves our toddler\u2019s sleep troubles."},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>My newly minted 3-year-old won\u2019t sleep in his bed. We have tried everything. He has also started not wanting to be alone in a room if he\u2019s playing. This seems like separation anxiety, and I\u2019m not sure whether it\u2019s a phase or something we should be working on with him so it doesn\u2019t get worse. When he wakes up in the middle of the night, he screams, causing us and the 8-month-old to wake up, too. Sometimes his dad will go sleep in his bed, but most of the time, the screaming won\u2019t stop until he\u2019s in our bed, out of breath and sobbing. The baby messed with his sleep routine, but we have a well-established process again and have started using incentive charts, along with getting him a big-boy bed and making his room more comfortable. Is there anything else we should be doing? Are we coddling him, or should we keep up our routine and tactics and ride it out?<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>A new age, a new sibling and a new big-boy bed \u2014 so many changes for a little guy. And I get it: This isn\u2019t easy for anyone. If you took an informal poll of parents with a 3-year-old, almost all of them would say that they struggle with getting their little ones to bed.<\/p>\n

Why is this? Does your child have separation anxiety? Do most 3-year-olds have a diagnosable anxiety disorder? No. But you are on to something when you address the separation. To understand your son\u2019s behavior, we have to understand the primary needs of a 3-year-old: rest, play and tears.<\/p>\n

When I write that a 3-year-old needs rest, you might think: \u201cNo kidding! What do you think we are trying to do here?\u201d But I\u2019m talking about a different kind of rest: A 3-year-old needs rest from needing to chase you around.<\/p>\n

Allow me to explain. A young child\u2019s deepest need is to feel as if they belong and connect to their parents. This is a biological need that changes as kids mature, but it never goes away. And there is no one struggling more to belong than 3-year-olds. Their bodies are developing in leaps and bounds, and they are becoming eager to take on the world. But then the brain jumps in and says: \u201cWait! It is dark! I am not with Mom or Dad. This is scary, and I am alone.\u201d All that big-kid thinking goes out the window, and suddenly your son is crying and chasing you around the house. This is confusing for a parent, but your child is not trying to manipulate you. Your son is not mature enough to plan all of this out. His brain is too young. It\u2019s as simple, and as hard, as this: The lights go out, and he is scared.<\/p>\n

Not only is the nighttime separating him from his main attachment, but now there is a new sibling in town. Your son sees the baby as another obstacle between you and him. Parents often worry about whether their child loves the new baby, but don\u2019t worry. It is normal for a 3-year-old to be self-oriented; this is not a flaw in your son or your parenting. His survival depends on his emotional and physical attachment to you, so he\u00a0is not overly concerned with his sibling \u2014 yet. It will all come with time. The point is: Everything you are seeing is normal.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

Now that you see how primal your son\u2019s need to keep you close is, you can understand the futility of using incentive charts or rewards to keep him in bed. There is nothing more powerful than his need to be with you when he is afraid, so even though he loves a sticker on a chart or a treat in the moment, as soon as that light goes out, you are all that matters. Do you have to stop the stickers? Not necessarily. Just don\u2019t rely on them to help you change your son\u2019s behavior. I love a chart, but I would hand out a sticker even if the night didn\u2019t go well. Why? All your son really wants is your attention, and you are not going to spoil him by having fun with him.<\/p>\n

So, what to do:<\/p>\n

First, you are not coddling him. Taking care of a crying 3-year-old is never coddling.<\/p>\n

Second, keep remembering that your son\u2019s primary need is to belong to you, so you need to strongly possess him at night. Throughout your bedtime routine, say things like \u201cJake, I cannot wait to brush your teeth, and then I am going to shampoo your hair. We are going to sit on your floor and do your puzzles for 10 minutes and then read one book.\u201d You will notice that I am not giving much choice to your child. This is because 3-year-olds are generally pretty fried by bedtime, and if you give them too many choices, they can become confused and drunk on the perceived power. In addition, children want us to strongly lead; it makes them feel safe. Go ahead and assume you know exactly what your son wants.<\/p>\n

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Third, check on him before he checks on you. In other words, do your bedtime routine and kiss him goodnight, and then, assuming he will be up pretty quickly after you leave, go kiss him again before he has the chance to get up. This may require what feels like constant check-ins, but instead of your son chasing you, you are meeting his need first. My hope is that his little brain will say: \u201cAh, Dad keeps coming back. I am okay,\u201d and then finally fall asleep. I am guessing this will be an up-and-down kind of effort. You may make some headway, only to have the routine ruined by a sickness, the holidays \u2014 the list goes on and on.<\/p>\n

Finally, and I am going to be frank here, you are just going to have to get through this knowing that there is a need to belong (for him) and a major need to sleep (for you). You may be so sleep-deprived, angry and spent that you just bring him into your bed. Or you may fall asleep with him in his bed for a while. Do what you have to do to get through a rough transition. Yes, there will be a time to hold some boundaries and welcome the tears, but only you can decide when that time is. You will be endlessly looking for the difference between holding a boundary and staying connected.<\/p>\n

Lastly, if your son is becoming panicked when you leave the room, grab his hand, smile and say, \u201cMommy has to use the potty, and you are coming with me!\u201d I know this is annoying, but if he is chasing you, it is your job to connect to him first. After lovingly forcing him to come with you everywhere, he may begin to trust that you will come back, and rest in that safety. You will need to stop saying things like \u201cJake, stay here while I change the baby\u201d and \u201cBig boys can wait by themselves.\u201d Statements such as these, especially at night, only make things worse.<\/p>\n

Stay patient and loving. He will get there \u2014 and then it will be time for the baby to get a big-kid bed! Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Are you interested in getting parenting support?\u00a0Click Here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0My newly minted 3-year-old won\u2019t sleep in his bed. We have tried everything. He has also started not wanting to be alone in a room if he\u2019s playing. This seems like separation anxiety, and I\u2019m not sure whether it\u2019s a phase or something we should be working on with him so it doesn\u2019t get worse. When he wakes up in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4015,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[759,895,584,585,8,592,750,894,229,593],"class_list":["post-4013","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-afraid-of-dark","tag-child-wont-stay-in-bed","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-on-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-trends","tag-sleep-in-bed","tag-sleep-training","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nWe\u2019ve tried sticker charts, a bigger bed, coddling. 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