{"id":4027,"date":"2018-01-10T10:38:06","date_gmt":"2018-01-10T15:38:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4027"},"modified":"2018-01-10T10:38:06","modified_gmt":"2018-01-10T15:38:06","slug":"what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/","title":{"rendered":"What to do with a biting preschooler"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
Q:\u00a0<\/b>My 3-year-old is increasingly willful and is having trouble listening and following directions. He\u2019s also starting to bite when we tell him no. We\u2019ve tried everything \u2014 getting down on his level and explaining calmly the behavior we want, having him repeat what we\u2019ve asked, giving him positive attention, giving choices. Our response when he bites is \u201cPlease stop, I don\u2019t like that, it hurts,\u201d and then we remove ourselves from him and the situation immediately. All of this usually works, and he\u2019s usually very well behaved, but he must be in a rough spot these days because it\u2019s not working right now. Lately, we\u2019ve started exploring consequences \u2014 taking away his trains, etc. \u2014 but we HATE it, and it also doesn\u2019t seem effective. So what can we do? Do we just stay consistent, keep doing what\u2019s worked in the past and hope things change soon? Or are there other techniques we can try?<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>I love that you are writing, because you are at an important point in your parenting life. No pressure (ha), but this is a developmental stage where parents typically begin to apply all kinds of illogical punishments and irrational consequences, creating an \u201cus vs. them\u201d scenario that can really affect and hurt your parenting life.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s go over what \u201cnormal\u201d behavior looks like for a 3-year-old. As with all preschoolers, it\u2019s a \u201cgood news, bad news\u201d scenario. The good news is that a 3-year-old is growing and emerging in independence, physically and emotionally. With this emergence comes a great deal of emotional and physical messiness. Why? Well, human development is often filled with peaks and valleys, spurts and gaps, and a 3-year-old is right there. His brain is growing rapidly, and even though his language may be improving, he is still very immature. The bad news? Your 3-year-old has a brain that is still mostly focused on himself and his own needs (not overly considerate of others), most of his emotions are pretty big (leading to outbursts that defy reason), and he is easily dysregulated (one minute happy, the next minute very upset). It\u2019s a pretty big mess and 100\u00a0percent normal to have a 3-year-old who is not interested in following your direction and seems inconsiderate of your feelings.<\/p>\n

And while I am not going to slam everything you are trying (because I know you have the best of intentions), I need to tell you that you are headed down the harder of two paths. It is a normal parenting move to try to bring rational thought to someone who is irrational (your son). You see clearly what needs to happen, what makes sense, that there needs to be another choice, and you want to help your son see the light.<\/p>\n

Essentially, as adults, we are using our rational, mature brains and we want to instruct our children in the right choices. But no matter what we say or do, we cannot make our children think more rationally. Getting on his level and speaking to him assumes he can make another choice and, furthermore, that he is \u201cchoosing\u201d to be bad. The biting is indicating that he is growing more frustrated and discouraged. It is a sign on the road that says \u201cWARNING: Trouble Ahead.\u201d<\/p>\n

But why is he biting now and not before? Well, 2-year-old children, even though they are mostly emotional messes, desperately want to please their parents. Getting on their level, walking away from them and threatening them will often work. But this will not last long. A 3-year-old will not take threats sitting down. He will fight back. And he will bite. And while this is inconvenient, it is normal. Absolutely normal. We want our children to be allergic to being bossed around, right?<\/p>\n

\u201cBut Meghan,\u201d you\u2019re probably thinking, \u201cthere has to be a way to get my son to listen to me a little more.\u201d Yes, there is.<\/p>\n

First, I love that your instinct is to get down to his level and talk to him. Instead of doing that when your son is being \u201cbad,\u201d do that simply to connect. Take time, every single day, to play with your son. Quality is more important than quantity here, and I want you to mirror his joy. Smiling, laughing, silliness, asking thoughtful questions, getting into his world .\u2009.\u2009. all of it counts. Every child seeks to feel deeply connected to his parents, and the more he feels like a good boy, the more he will behave like a good boy.<\/p>\n

Feeling deeply connected is what is needed to facilitate cooperation. Think about it: Do you want to cooperate with someone who punishes you? Who shames you? Who doesn\u2019t listen? No, you don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Second, let\u2019s look at what is causing your son\u2019s frustration. Is there a chronic routine or time of day or event that is bringing the same issues? And is there something you can do about it? I am not suggesting you upend your life so that your son doesn\u2019t experience any frustration. That would be a disaster. But there is something to be said for simplifying your lives. For instance, are you missing hunger or fatigue cues? Could a simple snack help him? Are you offering him too many choices when you need to provide him what is needed (which is a form of parenting love)?<\/p>\n

Third, are you growing the frustration when it begins? So, when your son begins to get angry, do you pick up the power-struggle rope with more demands and commands of him? Remember: Frustration plus frustration equals more frustration. This sounds like, \u201cI need you to not be angry right now.\u201d \u201cI need you to use your words, calmly and kindly.\u201d \u201cYour behavior is unacceptable. Stop or I am walking away.\u201d All these statements have come out of every parent\u2019s mouth, but I am here to deliver the sad truth that these statements don\u2019t help. If your son could control himself, he would. If your son could say something more kindly, he would. He can\u2019t access that part of his mind, so pushing him to be \u201cbetter\u201d is going to get you the opposite.<\/p>\n

Finally, fulfill the needs of the situation with strong boundaries and a soft heart. That means that you do not allow your son to hit, kick, scream in a restaurant or store. You scoop him up and get somewhere that is a bit more private until the storm passes. If you are at home, say \u201cI see how frustrated you are; this stuffed animal is great for biting\u201d or \u201cI know this toy is not working for you. Playing with Legos is very frustrating.\u201d Whatever you do, don\u2019t fight. If you see the frustration, name it and help let it out. This may sound like the opposite of the parenting advice out there, but keeping feelings in is how we get all of our problems. And he\u2019s 3. The expectation that he can emotionally control himself will do you far more harm than good. He needs boundaries and compassion.<\/p>\n

So, yes, your instinct is right when you mention that consequences don\u2019t feel right. Consequences don\u2019t feel right because you know that they are not landing the right way. This doesn\u2019t mean that you don\u2019t parent; that you don\u2019t remove problems and toys and even the child from situations that are not working. You do. That is kindness; you are acting as his prefrontal cortex, and you will do this for years and years to come. (Umm, technology and kids?! Buckle up.)<\/p>\n

Consequences and punishments are for children who are old enough to make the connections, but punishments for a 3-year-old will serve only to build frustration.<\/p>\n

Stay the course of providing strong boundaries and deep compassion; it will get better. And keep listening to your intuition. Good luck!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0My 3-year-old is increasingly willful and is having trouble listening and following directions. He\u2019s also starting to bite when we tell him no. We\u2019ve tried everything \u2014 getting down on his level and explaining calmly the behavior we want, having him repeat what we\u2019ve asked, giving him positive attention, giving choices. Our response when he bites is \u201cPlease stop, I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4028,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[915,916,584,585,8,592,591,750,917,918,913,914,912],"class_list":["post-4027","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-biting-behavior","tag-child-who-bites","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-on-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-parenting-trends","tag-raising-a-preschooler","tag-raising-a-toddler","tag-time-out","tag-time-outs","tag-toddler-punishments"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat to do with a biting preschooler<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My 3-year-old is increasingly willful and is having trouble listening and following directions. He\u2019s also biting when we tell him no.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"What to do with a biting preschooler\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"My 3-year-old is increasingly willful and is having trouble listening and following directions. He\u2019s also biting when we tell him no.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-01-10T15:38:06+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/shutterstock_383703175.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"3900\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"4059\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/\",\"name\":\"What to do with a biting preschooler\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2018-01-10T15:38:06+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2018-01-10T15:38:06+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"My 3-year-old is increasingly willful and is having trouble listening and following directions. He\u2019s also biting when we tell him no.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"What to do with a biting preschooler\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. Plain and simple.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Meghan Leahy\"}}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"What to do with a biting preschooler","description":"My 3-year-old is increasingly willful and is having trouble listening and following directions. He\u2019s also biting when we tell him no.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"What to do with a biting preschooler","og_description":"My 3-year-old is increasingly willful and is having trouble listening and following directions. He\u2019s also biting when we tell him no.","og_url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/","og_site_name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","article_published_time":"2018-01-10T15:38:06+00:00","og_image":[{"width":3900,"height":4059,"url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/shutterstock_383703175.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Meghan Leahy","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Meghan Leahy","Est. reading time":"7 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/","name":"What to do with a biting preschooler","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website"},"datePublished":"2018-01-10T15:38:06+00:00","dateModified":"2018-01-10T15:38:06+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d"},"description":"My 3-year-old is increasingly willful and is having trouble listening and following directions. He\u2019s also biting when we tell him no.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-with-a-biting-preschooler\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"What to do with a biting preschooler"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/","name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","description":"Helping parents. Plain and simple.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d","name":"Meghan Leahy","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Meghan Leahy"}}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4027"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4027"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4027\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4029,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4027\/revisions\/4029"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4028"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4027"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4027"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4027"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}