{"id":4045,"date":"2018-02-07T11:12:13","date_gmt":"2018-02-07T16:12:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4045"},"modified":"2018-02-14T09:55:06","modified_gmt":"2018-02-14T14:55:06","slug":"4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/","title":{"rendered":"My 4-year-old refuses to end play dates peacefully"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
Q:\u00a0<\/b>My 4 1\/2- year-old daughter loves to have kids over or go to other kids\u2019 houses, but at the end of the play date, she is horrible. This happens when both parents were there the whole time, when I drop her off and when the other parent drops their kid off with us. My daughter stomps and pouts and yells at me and her friend and just generally loses it over having to break up the time together. Walking away and giving her space is the most effective thing to do, but sometimes I have to get her out of someone else\u2019s house. We\u2019ve tried to talk about it before play dates. We\u2019ve talked about how they end, how we will see people again, and how to be a good host or guest. We\u2019ve talked about saying, \u201cI\u2019m sad,\u201d instead of falling apart. She says she gets it but then is incredibly rude every time. Most parents of 4-year-olds are pretty forgiving, but I hate this. Is there a way to stop her from being rude to her friends and their parents?<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>Children not leaving a play date \u2014 oh boy, have I been where you are. I once had to drag one of my children from underneath the host\u2019s master bed, bringing every dust bunny known to man with her. Just thinking of it makes me sweat again. Complete and total humiliation. If you were to poll parents (and if they would answer honestly), you would find this to be a ubiquitous challenge. What\u2019s a well-meaning parent to do?<\/p>\n

To begin, we have to understand the mind of your 4\u00bd -year-old daughter. Four-year-olds are notoriously tough to parent because they have so much emergent growth. You are witnessing a young child come into her own. Four-year-olds love to share their opinions, their bodies are largely at their command, and their creativity and imagination are at all-time highs.<\/p>\n

But for all this growth, your 4\u00bd -year-old is still immature. This means that she still wants what she wants when she wants it. She can be prone to fits and tantrums when life does not go her way. And this is really important: She cannot always hold on to her good intentions. When you talk to her and she is nodding vigorously and promising, \u201cYes, Mommy, I will definitely leave the playmate today and not scream or stomp my feet,\u201d she means every word she says. I repeat: Your daughter means it when she promises to be good.<\/p>\n

But when it\u2019s time to leave, your daughter\u2019s immature mind is focused only on playing with her friend. Every promise she made is out the window. Your frustration grows because, in your mind, you have discussed this topic already, and it probably feels like your daughter is yanking you around. But your daughter is not trying to humiliate you.<\/p>\n

We have a situation where your daughter is running away or throwing a fit, your frustration is building (because as soon as we are in front of other parents, our insecurities grow exponentially), and you feel pressured to lay down the law or, worse, punish her at home.
\n[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]
\nWhat are you supposed to do?<\/p>\n

1. Stop thinking she is behaving like this on purpose. Even if her behavior seems premeditated, it isn\u2019t. She is hyped up from the play date, doesn\u2019t want it to end and has forgotten her promises. Her tantrums and sass are not personal. Read that again and repeat as necessary.<\/p>\n

2. If you accept that her behavior is not personal and that she can\u2019t control her big emotions, your marching orders become clear. Who is the person who needs to change this situation? You. I can hear you sigh from here, but this is the easier of the two paths. Stipulate that all play dates must be at your house. It is much easier to control the end of the play date when you are on your own turf. Tell the other parents: \u201cMy daughter loves playing with Tonya, but we are struggling with ending play dates. We are practicing how to end them with a bit more .\u2009.\u2009. peace.\u201d I don\u2019t know a single parent who wouldn\u2019t understand this.<\/p>\n

3. Mandating that play dates occur at your home may lessen the number of them, but that\u2019s okay. Four-year-olds (especially if they are in school) do not need play dates, and her spinning out could be a sign that her nervous system is hitting a wall.<\/p>\n

Americans are borderline obsessed with socializing our children for fear that we will miss a magic developmental window and our children will become recluses. But that\u2019s not how it works.<\/p>\n

Preschool-age children take their cues from the adults in their lives and are not meant to spend gobs of time with other children. Many 4-year-olds are easily overstimulated by the company of children (hence more out-of-control behaviors).<\/p>\n

Your child cannot handle these play dates, and you need to act as her prefrontal cortex. Either stop them or slow them considerably. The alternative is that you keep waiting for a preschooler to \u201cget it\u201d and control herself. That\u2019s unfair to you and your daughter.<\/p>\n

4. Does this mean that you will never have a play date again? Of course not. Start practicing maturity at home. Let\u2019s say a friend is coming over. Say to your daughter: \u201cTonya is coming over tomorrow. Let\u2019s start practicing the end of the play date.\u201d Then you script how the conclusion will look. Have your daughter walk you to the door, shake hands or hug, smile and say, \u201cThank you so much for coming.\u201d Practice this multiple times and then again at the play date. Before the parent arrives, have the friend and your daughter put on their shoes and coats, then take them outside to wait.<\/p>\n

This way, you are moving the children out of your home and easing the path to the car, bypassing the shenanigans.<\/p>\n

Expect that your child will forget and begin to stomp her feet. Pick her up, smile wide, thank Tonya and her parent, and get back into the house.<\/p>\n

As long as you are in front of the other parent, you will feel out of control and more embarrassed, so get out of that situation. The end of the play date isn\u2019t the time for chitchat and in-depth discussion.<\/p>\n

If you keep your boundaries where the play dates take place, keep practicing with your daughter and strongly reconsider whether she needs the play dates right now, you will find some ease in this drama.<\/p>\n

Your daughter will outgrow this. Good luck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0My 4 1\/2- year-old daughter loves to have kids over or go to other kids\u2019 houses, but at the end of the play date, she is horrible. This happens when both parents were there the whole time, when I drop her off and when the other parent drops their kid off with us. My daughter stomps and pouts and yells […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4046,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[942,584,943,585,8,592,591,941,939,940,593],"class_list":["post-4045","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-embarassed-parent","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-parent-coach","tag-on-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-play-date-meltdowns","tag-play-dates","tag-toddler-meltdowns","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nMy 4-year-old refuses to end play dates peacefully<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My 4 1\/2- year-old daughter loves to have kids over or go to other kids\u2019 houses, but at the end of the play date, she is horrible.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"My 4-year-old refuses to end play dates peacefully\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"My 4 1\/2- year-old daughter loves to have kids over or go to other kids\u2019 houses, but at the end of the play date, she is horrible.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-02-07T16:12:13+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2018-02-14T14:55:06+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/shutterstock_186953924.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"800\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"645\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/\",\"name\":\"My 4-year-old refuses to end play dates peacefully\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2018-02-07T16:12:13+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2018-02-14T14:55:06+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"My 4 1\/2- year-old daughter loves to have kids over or go to other kids\u2019 houses, but at the end of the play date, she is horrible.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"My 4-year-old refuses to end play dates peacefully\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. Plain and simple.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Meghan Leahy\"}}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"My 4-year-old refuses to end play dates peacefully","description":"My 4 1\/2- year-old daughter loves to have kids over or go to other kids\u2019 houses, but at the end of the play date, she is horrible.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"My 4-year-old refuses to end play dates peacefully","og_description":"My 4 1\/2- year-old daughter loves to have kids over or go to other kids\u2019 houses, but at the end of the play date, she is horrible.","og_url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/","og_site_name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","article_published_time":"2018-02-07T16:12:13+00:00","article_modified_time":"2018-02-14T14:55:06+00:00","og_image":[{"width":800,"height":645,"url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/shutterstock_186953924.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Meghan Leahy","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Meghan Leahy","Est. reading time":"6 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/","name":"My 4-year-old refuses to end play dates peacefully","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website"},"datePublished":"2018-02-07T16:12:13+00:00","dateModified":"2018-02-14T14:55:06+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d"},"description":"My 4 1\/2- year-old daughter loves to have kids over or go to other kids\u2019 houses, but at the end of the play date, she is horrible.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/4-year-old-refuses-end-play-dates-peacefully\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"My 4-year-old refuses to end play dates peacefully"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website","url":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/","name":"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach","description":"Helping parents. Plain and simple.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d","name":"Meghan Leahy","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/4109b08a6ecac6d5c68c5d4a8c8372dc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Meghan Leahy"}}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4045"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4045"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4045\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4097,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4045\/revisions\/4097"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4046"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4045"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4045"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4045"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}