{"id":4124,"date":"2018-03-07T14:56:45","date_gmt":"2018-03-07T19:56:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4124"},"modified":"2018-03-07T14:56:45","modified_gmt":"2018-03-07T19:56:45","slug":"what-to-do-about-a-childs-constant-whining-maybe-nothing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/what-to-do-about-a-childs-constant-whining-maybe-nothing\/","title":{"rendered":"What to do about a child\u2019s constant whining? Maybe nothing."},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>My 8-year-old whines and makes negative remarks about everything \u2014 whether we\u2019re eating dinner, doing puzzles (which she loves) or going on a bike ride (which she also loves). What do you think is happening?<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>What do I think is happening with your whiny 8-year-old? I have no idea, but let\u2019s start with why children might be negative.<\/p>\n

The first thing that comes to mind is the \u201ctemperament scale,\u201d which describes how we approach and react to the world. A person\u2019s temperament is considered set at birth and remains relatively stable throughout life. The environment and parenting, as well as brain mechanics, can magnify or diminish these temperament traits, but they are considered unchangeable.<\/p>\n

One of the temperament traits is \u201cquality of mood.\u201d This trait essentially looks at the degree of optimistic or negative reactions a child has to the world. The scale indicates whether the child appears to be more pleasant or glum in social situations, more friendly or unfriendly, and more smiling or whiny.<\/p>\n

Although Americans are obsessed with everyone being positive and optimistic, the truth is that some people are born more serious. And that\u2019s okay. The world needs people to be different. But it can pose challenges if you are a positive, upbeat person raising a child who is more reserved and negative. This could even panic you, the idea that your child doesn\u2019t see the world as you do. You might say: \u201cWhy are you worried about the clouds? It\u2019s not going to rain, and we are riding bikes. You love this,\u201d or \u201cBut you wanted to come to the park and see your friends. Why aren\u2019t you saying hello?\u201d If you are a friendly and outgoing person, parenting a low-mood child can drive you crazy.<\/p>\n

So my question to you is: Was your daughter born this way, or is this a new development?<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

If she was born whiny and negative, you are going to have to find a way to connect to her despite her mood. It isn\u2019t as though low-mood children don\u2019t enjoy life or don\u2019t have friends or don\u2019t love certain activities. They just don\u2019t immediately respond to life the way a positive person does. Don\u2019t react to the negative remarks toward cheerleading (\u201cRemember? You\u00a0love<\/i>puzzles! Woo-hoo!\u201d) or rational thought (\u201cWhen we were home, you were excited to go ride bikes, so explain to me why you\u2019re whining right now\u201d) or accusations and name-calling (\u201cI don\u2019t believe you are whining about this right now. It sounds really ungrateful and bratty\u201d) or threats (\u201cIf you cannot get more positive about this activity, we are not going to do it again\u201d) or exasperation and guilt (\u201cAll I do is try to make life enjoyable for us, and you never seem to care\u201d) or anger (\u201cI have had it! All you do is whine. I am sick of it!\u201d).<\/p>\n

I may have taken every tool out of your toolbox with that list, which leaves you with .\u2009.\u2009. staying quiet. I am not saying you have to go mute, but I am saying that parental commentary usually feeds our own ego, worry and anger more than it helps our children see the light of positive thought. If your child is going about her activities with some initial whining and negativity but then goes on to enjoy herself, maybe you can just let it go? I am not writing that lightly. I know how provocative whining and negativity can be. If you are conditioned to respond to your daughter\u2019s every statement, the work ahead of you is tough (but worth it).<\/p>\n

The other question that pops up for me: Has something happened recently that has precipitated this? Is there trouble at school? Is she having friendship issues? Has there been a transition or trauma or change at home?\u00a0Because inside every child (every human) is the need to be seen and heard.\u00a0It is so deep that it doesn\u2019t really come through as a thought or feeling; it is more like an impulse. And this impulse\u00a0will compel children to act out in any way that gets the attention they seek. So if your daughter whines and you\u00a0pay a lot of attention to the whining,\u00a0guess what you are going to get\u00a0more of?\u00a0You got it: whining.<\/p>\n

Here is how it really gets messy: Every strategy of \u201cnipping it in the bud\u201d or \u201cteaching the child a lesson,\u201d while possibly working in the short term, serves only to heighten the negativity. And if you have a child who was born a little negative, paying attention to her only when she is negative or whining will get you more of what you despise.<\/p>\n

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My homework for you is to figure out whether your child was born like this, if there is something else going on in her life or if it\u2019s a combination of both.<\/p>\n

And a little something to remember: Children with a low mood tend to be sensitive. They might pay attention to the darker aspects of life, and that is okay. We need these people in our world. They can be excellent problem solvers (because they are looking for what will go wrong). These children are not easily duped, and their skepticism, though annoying as children, can be prized as intellectual and thoughtful when they are older. Pick up \u201cThe Highly Sensitive Child<\/a>\u201d by Elaine Aron for more help with understanding sensitive children.<\/p>\n

Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0My 8-year-old whines and makes negative remarks about everything \u2014 whether we\u2019re eating dinner, doing puzzles (which she loves) or going on a bike ride (which she also loves). What do you think is happening? A:\u00a0What do I think is happening with your whiny 8-year-old? I have no idea, but let\u2019s start with why children might be negative. The first […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4126,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[584,956,585,8,592,955,750,593,457],"class_list":["post-4124","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-meghan-leahy-parenting","tag-on-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-the-sensitive-child","tag-parenting-trends","tag-washington-post-parenting","tag-whining"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat to do about a child\u2019s constant whining? 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