{"id":4147,"date":"2018-04-18T21:26:09","date_gmt":"2018-04-19T01:26:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4147"},"modified":"2018-06-13T11:21:14","modified_gmt":"2018-06-13T15:21:14","slug":"almost-4-year-old-willful-disobedient-can-regain-control","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/almost-4-year-old-willful-disobedient-can-regain-control\/","title":{"rendered":"My almost-4-year-old is willful and disobedient. How can I regain control?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>My almost-4-year-old is incredibly willful and whines all the time. He does exactly what we ask him not to do, and it’s gotten to the point that I don’t want to ask him not to do anything because I know he will do it on purpose. Everything results in a temper tantrum. He managed to hurt himself this weekend when a baby chair hit his face, causing him to bite his tongue (lots of awful crying \u2014 not from me, though I wanted to cry for me and for him). I was in the midst of saying, “Please don’t push this chair down. It could hurt you,” so, of course, he pushed it down as far as it would go, all while saying, “No, mama, I’m going to do it because I want to.” My only alternative was to pull him away from the chair, but that tends to backfire because he responds physically. Is this a phase? My husband and I are at a loss.<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>On a good day, with every star\u00a0aligned, parenting a 4-year-old can be challenging, because a 4-year-old is the epitome of willfulness. Your son has his own\u00a0ideas, tastes and preferences, and his immaturity prohibits him from understanding your perspective. His brain, which is growing and changing rapidly, is\u00a0still mostly operating on a system of one viewpoint at a time, and that viewpoint tends to be his own. There is nothing wrong with a 4-year-old who wants only what he wants. This is normal development, and it serves an important purpose.<\/p>\n

In studying child development with Gordon Neufeld, I learned about \u201ccounterwill,\u201d the deep impulse to resist being bossed around and told what to do and how to think. It is rampant from age 2 to 5 (and again in adolescence), and, as I mentioned, it is valuable in terms of development. As your son is defying you and doing the opposite of what he is told, he is focusing on his own desires, thoughts, impulses and feelings. In development, we call this \u201cindividuation.\u201d Essentially, your son cannot grow into his own person if he only takes commands from you. So, yes, counterwill is annoying, inconvenient and tiring, but it is necessary.<\/p>\n

When you understand that this\u00a0is a normal stage, you can also see that how you are handling it is making it a problem. Part of being 4 (and counterwill) is that when children hear, \u201cDon\u2019t push the baby chair down,\u201d they feel compelled to take on the challenge. Their counterwill impulse springs into action, and they push the chair down. Your son is not consciously trying to defy you (I know this is hard to believe), but you plucked the counterwill string and your son must respond by doing the opposite of what you requested. It probably never would have occurred to him to push the chair down if you had not said anything. I know this is maddening, but now that you know how it works, here are some simple solutions.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

STOP:<\/strong><\/div>\n

Asking him questions.<\/b>\u00a0When parents ask questions or use a tone of voice that implies a question, we are giving children an option. For instance, \u201cReady for the tub, buddy?\u201d No. Your son\u00a0will never be ready for the tub. Assume that if you give him\u00a0a choice, the answer will be no.<\/p>\n

Telling him what you don\u2019t want him to do.<\/b>\u00a0Every time he hears, \u201cPlease don\u2019t touch the baby,\u201d your son will touch the baby. It didn\u2019t occur to him to touch the baby, but as soon as you tell him what he cannot do, he must disobey you.<\/p>\n

Expecting the tantrums to stop.<\/b>\u00a0Because 4-year-olds want what they want when they want it, you have to say no often. That will be met with all kinds of resistance, anger and tears, and this is part of the growth process. Just because your son has counterwill doesn\u2019t mean that you should sit back and do nothing. True, you are going to stop inviting the problems, but you will still face his big feelings. The only way to avoid tantrums is to give into his every wish, and then you will really have a problem. Your son is growing and maturing every day; just know that there will be days that he appears to have matured and will be more cooperative, and there will be days in which he acts like a 2-year-old incapable of rational thought.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

START:<\/strong><\/div>\n

Pointing out what he does well.<\/b>\u00a0This is not cheerleading or praise; this is what we call \u201cnoticing\u201d language. \u201cHey, Jake, I noticed you put your shoes away. Thank you.\u201d If you make too big of a deal of what is going well, your son will swerve into counterwill and start doing the opposite. Keep your observations calm, sincere and varied.<\/p>\n

Creating moments of success.<\/b>\u00a0The cool thing about 4-year-olds is that while they are tough, they are also imaginative and hard-working. Find ways for your son to use his strengths, whatever those may be. Whether it\u2019s helping in the kitchen or the yard or problem-solving issues around the house, 4-year-olds have creative ways to contribute to family life. Don\u2019t be afraid to ask for your son\u2019s input and let him get involved, even (and especially) when the results are imperfect and messy. The pride and resilience will make him feel needed and appreciated.<\/p>\n

Carving out one-on-one time.<\/b>\u00a0In Positive Parenting circles, this is called special time. For 4-year-olds, that means a set amount of time on the floor or in the yard, playing with something that makes them happy.<\/p>\n

Anything can be special time, but leave the tech and screens behind (especially yours). Because it is all about play, your child will see joy in your eyes and feel deeply connected with you. And when one person feels connected with another, counterwill diminishes. Counterwill is normal, but it becomes a real problem when parents get stuck in the back and forth. Special time breaks down the arguing and anger and reestablishes the relationship as the most important dynamic. It sounds simple and silly, but having fun with your child does more to improve cooperation than any discipline technique.<\/p>\n

Take heart that your son will grow and his defiant tendencies will ease. In the meantime, find ways to positively connect with him without promoting what isn\u2019t working. And have a healthy sense of humor about all this \u201cYou are not the boss of me.\u201d Don\u2019t laugh in his face, but he is getting you ready for his teen years. You will need to take many deep breaths and laugh then, so start practicing.<\/p>\n

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Are you interested in getting parenting support?\u00a0Click Here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0My almost-4-year-old is incredibly willful and whines all the time. He does exactly what we ask him not to do, and it’s gotten to the point that I don’t want to ask him not to do anything because I know he will do it on purpose. Everything results in a temper tantrum. He managed to hurt himself this weekend when […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":3356,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[985,984,981,982,951,584,8,592,983],"class_list":["post-4147","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-connecting-with-a-young-child","tag-counterwill","tag-disagreeable-child","tag-disobedient-child","tag-early-childhood-development","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-young-child-defiance"],"yoast_head":"\nMy almost-4-year-old is willful and disobedient. 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