{"id":4245,"date":"2018-08-15T10:00:06","date_gmt":"2018-08-15T14:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4245"},"modified":"2018-08-15T10:00:06","modified_gmt":"2018-08-15T14:00:06","slug":"my-3-year-old-says-everything-is-scary-including-his-chores-is-he-manipulating-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/my-3-year-old-says-everything-is-scary-including-his-chores-is-he-manipulating-me\/","title":{"rendered":"My 3-year-old says everything is \u2018scary\u2019 \u2014 including his chores. Is he manipulating me?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>My 3-year-old son has entered a stage where everything is “scary” \u2014 from cartoons he’s seen a dozen times to new experiences. He’s always been adventurous, so this is new. How do I react when I think he’s genuinely afraid vs. when I think he’s playing the “scary” card to get out of something he doesn’t want to do? (He has said picking up his toys is “too scary.”) Should my reaction be the same in both cases? Or is it okay to be more dismissive in the latter case? I don’t want to minimize any real fears, but sometimes I’m not sure how to react.<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>This is a typical issue for preschoolers, and I feel for you. It can be confusing when a happy-go-lucky child begins to have seemingly irrational fears. It can also feel like manipulation, so let\u2019s see what may be going on in his mind. You don\u2019t mention it, but many preschoolers\u2019 fears come at bedtime, which I will also address.<\/p>\n

Developmentally speaking, a \u00ad3-year-old is beginning to grasp that bad things can happen. Add to this stage any extra sensitivity, transitions or traumas, and you are facing some tough nighttime (and daytime) routines.<\/p>\n

What to make of this? First, let\u2019s dispel the idea that he is \u201cplaying the \u2018scary\u2019 card\u201d to get out of doing something. When we assume our young children are manipulating us, we enter a parenting path filled with resentment, suspicion and callousness. We will not give our loving best when we assume our child is a liar.<\/p>\n

And although your son may be conditioned to say, \u201cI am scared, Mommy!\u201d when the light clicks off or it\u2019s time to clean up, this doesn\u2019t make him a manipulator (I know, I know, but stick with me). So, the light clicks off or it\u2019s time to clean up, and the images that scared him that day pour into his mind. Within seconds, his nervous system has sent a message to his body that he is not safe. His pupils dilate, his heart pounds, his breathing quickens , and before he knows it, he blurts out, \u201cMommy!\u201d or \u201cI can\u2019t do it!\u201d<\/p>\n

Our bodies are built to react like this, and 3-year-olds are not mature enough to calm themselves down. When I begin to panic and I rationally know I am safe, I can say, \u201cMeghan, breathe. Everything is okay.\u201d A \u00ad3-year-old cannot do that. In fact, I know many adults who have poor self-regulation in the face of panic, so we must cut children some slack.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

What feels like manipulation is that your child has learned (unconsciously) that when he screams out for you or says \u201cno\u201d to cleaning up, you make strong eye contact with him. You probably say something like, \u201cRalphie, everything is fine. You don\u2019t need to be scared.\u201d For your son, your words don\u2019t mean that much; what he wants is your eyes and physical presence. This instantly (and again unconsciously) relaxes him because you are his primary attachment. There is no one who can bring safety like you. Hence, you have unknowingly created a cycle where he yells \u201cno,\u201d you engage with reason, he gets what he wants (attention), and on it goes. Again, your son is not planning this; it is a behavioral cycle.<\/p>\n

Am I suggesting that you create a routine that has you running to and from his room every night? Or that you abandon cleaning up? No, that is a quick train to exhaustion town, and it won\u2019t help him sleep or clean up.<\/p>\n

Instead, work with what makes a 3-year-old feel safe: his senses and you. As a parent, you can create a bedtime routine that is full of sensory reminders . Anything with your smell, such as your pillowcase, can help your son relax. I also love rubbing my children\u2019s feet with a drop of lavender oil mixed with perfume-free lotion or coconut oil (make sure your child doesn\u2019t have allergies or reactions to essential oils). With continued use, the smell triggers the child\u2019s mind to get ready to sleep.<\/p>\n

After smell, you can investigate the other senses to see what clicks for your son.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Sight: pictures of you next to his bed or a little light he gets to click on and off.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Sound: white noise machines or a music box.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Touch: special loveys that you have slept with or your nightshirt (you can also use smell with these).<\/p>\n

\u25cf Taste: a glass of warm milk before he goes to bed or a cup of camomile tea (make sure he\u2019s not allergic to ragweed).<\/p>\n

These are just ideas. Use whatever seems to soothe your child.<\/p>\n

In terms of him playing the \u201cI am too scared to pick up toys\u201d card, I would use gentle agreement and some humor. \u201cYes, this plastic alligator is a little scary, huh?\u201d and then see what your son does next. Pretend to talk to the alligator, \u201cHey, Mr. Alligator, you are a toy and I am not afraid of you; I am cleaning you up!\u201d See if being silly and a bit casual can move your son along. If he doesn\u2019t seem to be budging, you can clean up the scary toys, and he can pick up the non-scary toys. If he agrees to this, celebrate it: \u201cHey Ralphie, I really like this clean-up plan. This is awesome. We are sticking with this.\u201d Do not push a 3-year-old out of his irrational fears; he will get there on his own as long as we remain consistent and loving.<\/p>\n

Here are strategies that largely don\u2019t work with preschoolers and fears:<\/p>\n

\u25cf Telling him \u201cthere is nothing to worry about.\u201d Your son\u2019s fears are not rational, so using rational language not only doesn\u2019t relax him, it adds frustration and panic.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Locking him in his room (to get him to stay there or for punishment). Beyond being cruel, this act panics a child, and if he stops crying, it is only because his mind goes into such a frightened mode that he simply shuts down.<\/p>\n

\u25cf Bribing, rewarding, threatening or punishing. Even if he promises to stay in bed or clean up toys for a treat, his nervous system overrides his best intentions and has him popping out of bed or running away from the monster the minute you leave.<\/p>\n

It is hard to know the inner workings of a 3-year-old; but if you stay calm and consistent and keep a sense of humor, this will pass. In the meantime, I recommend \u201cRest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers<\/a>\u201d by Deborah MacNamara for a deeper understanding of your 3-year-old. Good luck!<\/p>\n

\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0My 3-year-old son has entered a stage where everything is “scary” \u2014 from cartoons he’s seen a dozen times to new experiences. He’s always been adventurous, so this is new. How do I react when I think he’s genuinely afraid vs. when I think he’s playing the “scary” card to get out of something he doesn’t want to do? (He […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4246,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[91,27,301],"tags":[1058,1059,584,1060,8,592,1061],"class_list":["post-4245","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fear","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-children-who-lie","tag-is-my-child-manipulating-me","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-my-kid-is-a-liar","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-what-to-do-when-children-lie"],"yoast_head":"\nMy 3-year-old says everything is \u2018scary\u2019 \u2014 including his chores. Is he manipulating me? - My 3-year-old says everything is \u2018scary\u2019 \u2014 including his chores. 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