{"id":4258,"date":"2018-09-05T11:29:11","date_gmt":"2018-09-05T15:29:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4258"},"modified":"2018-09-05T11:29:11","modified_gmt":"2018-09-05T15:29:11","slug":"bully","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/bully\/","title":{"rendered":"Is my 4-year-old becoming a bully?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>My son just turned 4, and I’m concerned because he doesn’t seem very kind. He ostracizes the less “popular” kids in preschool. He says mean things to his cousins and playmates (you’re stupid, you’re ugly, I’m smarter than you). None of this is constant; most of these examples are little things I’ve witnessed over the past few months. I know he’s only 4, but I’ve read that a person’s personality is pretty much set in stone by their fifth birthday, and I’m feeling the pressure to turn my son around before it’s too late. I don’t want to lead him down a path of unkindness and selfishness. Should I be worried?<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>It is so worrying to watch your child be unkind to others, and trust me, you are not alone. I cannot wipe away your worry with an \u201cOh, this is so normal,\u201d nor do I want to, but I do want to assure you that children (especially 4-year-olds) can be extraordinarily insecure, self-centered and mean. This does not guarantee your son a life of \u201cunkindness and selfishness,\u201d but there are actions we can take to help him mature in a way that is a little less \u201cyou\u2019re stupid\u201d and a little more kind.<\/p>\n

Why is a child unkind? When it comes to name-calling and comparisons, this is a sign of insecurity and a need to one-up the children around him. For whatever reason, your son is seeing his cousins and playmates as threats to his power, and because he has language at his disposal, he doesn\u2019t need to hit or kick or bite; he can just beat them down with an insult. Remember: The hitting and kicking you may have seen when he was younger was a manifestation of frustration. We are now seeing frustration in the form of insults and put-downs.<\/p>\n

As a parenting coach, I get more calls and complaints about \u00ad4-year-olds than any other age. Because they are growing rapidly and their language is picking up quickly, they can appear more emotionally mature than they actually are. A 4-year-old may be able to access his feeling words and some mature thoughts, but his brain is easily flipped into pure emotion, triggered by unconscious thoughts. How does this happen?<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

So, your little one is playing with his cousin and everything is going well. Then, your nephew is able to climb a steep rock wall, but this rock wall scares your son. Rationally, this is not a big deal, but in his unconscious mind, only one person has the power and that person is his cousin. This is threatening, and he blurts: \u201cYou\u2019re stupid.\u201d The important aspect of this example is that your son is being motivated by unconscious desires; he is not planning to be mean. In fact, if you ask him, \u201cWhy would call Gary stupid?\u201d your son would not have an answer. He doesn\u2019t know why he is calling people names; he is simply reacting to deep, emotional impulses that come from a place in him that feels threatened. I know most parents want to believe their preschoolers are craftier than this, but they aren\u2019t.<\/p>\n

I also know it doesn\u2019t make any sense to assume your child is \u201cset in stone\u201d by age 5. If that doesn\u2019t panic a parent, I don\u2019t know what will! But scientists are showing how neuroplastic the brain truly is \u2014 far more than we ever guessed. Furthermore, this fixed mind-set is going to do absolutely nothing for your parenting. It is too much pressure, and this kind of stress rarely leads to rational and kind decisions.<\/p>\n

What can you do? Let\u2019s keep it simple.<\/p>\n

When little Larry is unkind to Gary, you pick up Larry and say sternly, \u201cNope, we are not speaking like that to Gary.\u201d You leave the space as best you can and say, \u201cI see you\u2019re frustrated that Gary climbed the wall, and we are not going to call him stupid.\u201d And then you wait. Your son may throw a fit, and that is fine. His tantrum with you? Acceptable. Calling children names? Not acceptable.<\/p>\n

Removing Larry from the situation is also going to require staying closer to him than you may be used to, so that you can watch for mounting anger or frustration. If you begin to see what triggers your son, you can jump in by helping him up the wall, taking him by the hand to another activity or quietly chatting with him.<\/p>\n

Your demeanor is crucial when you lead your son away from the infraction. You are not lecturing, punishing, chastising or shaming your son as you do this. Nor are you trying to get him to talk it out, which is not developmentally appropriate for most 4-year-olds. Instead, you are trying to break up the dynamic . It says to him, \u201cMom or Dad will not permit this to continue.\u201d If you give him another chance to play and he does it again, sit him down or, if possible, leave the scene. No parent wants to do this. But if you calmly and firmly leave a party when your son calls someone stupid, he will quickly correlate name-calling to leaving (and hopefully, will begin to slow this habit down).<\/p>\n

Two caveats: First, if you lecture, yell, threaten
\nor force him to insincerely apologize to the offended (as the parent, you can apologize on your son\u2019s behalf), his behavior will worsen, not improve. Remember, he didn\u2019t mean to be mean, so it doesn\u2019t make sense to hold him responsible for something he isn\u2019t mature enough to control. These tactics will only make him resentful, and become meaner and meaner. Second, as emotions smooth out, you can say things such as, \u201cWe will try again tomorrow. Instead of calling Gary stupid, we are going to say, \u2018I want to climb the wall, too!\u2019 and Mommy will come help you!\u201d This may sound silly, but assuming the best in your child and making a plan for the next positive interaction sets a loving and hopeful tone. I mean, he\u2019s 4. His life is nothing but a series of \u201clet\u2019s try again\u201d circumstances.<\/p>\n

Do your best to label him as a kind and loving boy. If parents don\u2019t believe in their own child, it is difficult for a child to find his best intentions.<\/p>\n

To help, read Dan Siegel\u2019s books for parenting and search online for \u201cbooks for kids who are frustrated\u201d to find a great list of options for you to read with your son.\u00a0(I especially like\u00a0this list<\/a>.)\u00a0Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0My son just turned 4, and I’m concerned because he doesn’t seem very kind. He ostracizes the less “popular” kids in preschool. He says mean things to his cousins and playmates (you’re stupid, you’re ugly, I’m smarter than you). None of this is constant; most of these examples are little things I’ve witnessed over the past few months. 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