{"id":4275,"date":"2018-10-03T22:12:45","date_gmt":"2018-10-04T02:12:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4275"},"modified":"2018-10-03T22:12:45","modified_gmt":"2018-10-04T02:12:45","slug":"my-4-year-old-wont-stop-whining-no-matter-what-i-do-whats-the-answer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/my-4-year-old-wont-stop-whining-no-matter-what-i-do-whats-the-answer\/","title":{"rendered":"My 4-year-old won\u2019t stop whining, no matter what I do. What\u2019s the answer?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>I’m a stay-at-home mom of three kids (5, 4 and 2). I’m really struggling with my 4-year-old’s whining. He’s in preschool for three hours a day, four days a week, but when he’s home, he’s constantly whining about wanting to watch TV or wanting to play with someone. When my \u00ad5-year-old gets home from kindergarten, the \u00ad4-year-old will follow him around wanting to play, but my kindergartner is still adjusting to his full-day schedule and wants time to play on his own \u2014 which leads to a lot of fighting. I do play with the 4-year-old when I can, but I also have to care for my high-maintenance 2-year-old and make meals, do laundry, etc. If it’s a playmate he’s after, I’ll usually tell him I’ll play after I’m done with X, Y or Z, but lately it’s TV he wants (we have a two-hour-per-day screen-time limit that I usually save for strategic times such as making dinner). So, he’ll whine, “I want to watch another show,” a hundred times before I end up sending him to his room. There has to be a better way to address this, right?<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>You, my friend, are in the thick of it. If you aren\u2019t chasing the 2-year-old, you are helping your 5-year-old transition into \u201cbig kid school,\u201d and in the middle of this is a whiny 4-year-old who needs something, but what?<\/p>\n

When it comes to whining, it helps to think of it as a language. Your son, as annoying as it can sound, is trying to tell you something. Our parental instinct is to shut it down and preserve peace at all costs, but to really cut down on the whining, we need to understand why he is doing it.<\/p>\n

As I was reading your note, I thought of Alfred Adler, an Austrian doctor and psychotherapist from the early 1900s, who created an entire study around personality development, with a particular interest in birth order. Adler posits that when you are born in your family (first, middle, last, only) helps create a set of traits that lasts a lifetime. For instance, firstborn children are typically leaders, perfectionists, organized, people-pleasing and reliable. Last-born children tend to be sensitive, risk-takers and the life of the party. The middle children have the biggest variation of personality traits, and this is because they are playing catch-up to the older child while also feeling supplanted by the baby of the family. But middle children seem to share the personality traits of being attention-seeking and competitive.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

Although I am not ready to rest every parenting issue you have at Adler\u2019s doorstep, I do think his ideas provide food for thought. For instance, you are witnessing your 4-year-old desperately trying to play with his big brother, but he is being rejected. The 2-year-old is running you ragged (as toddlers do), taking all of your time and attention.<\/p>\n

So, it is clear that your middle child is between a rock and a hard place. But other than jostling for his place in the family, why is he whining? One reason is that whining works! Children\u2019s brains (as well as ours) thrive on getting attention. And this attention can be good or bad.<\/p>\n

Every time he whines for more TV and pushes and pushes, and every time you lose your patience and send him to his room, his brain says, \u201cWhen I whine, Mom pays attention to me.\u201d And even though it makes no sense to us, a child would rather be yelled at than ignored. That\u2019s how powerful belonging and connections are.<\/p>\n

However, this is unconscious in the child\u2019s mind. Your 4-year-old is not mature enough to plan these behaviors; he is simply doing what feels right, even though it hurts both of you.<\/p>\n

So, how can you help your son whine less?<\/p>\n

Accept that you\u2019re in charge,\u00a0<\/b>not the 4-year-old. We cannot place the burden of change upon the shoulders of a child this immature.<\/p>\n

Set aside special time .\u00a0<\/b>Special time is, essentially, playing with your son (no tech, please) for a discrete amount of time (10 to 30 minutes is perfect). Either of you can choose the activity. For special time to work best, try to adhere to a schedule. The more routine this time becomes, the more your son will begin to trust that you will keep up your end of the bargain. As the special times add up, you will begin to see him relax. You are filling up his attention cup and \u2014 this is important to understand \u2014 he didn\u2019t need to chase you for the attention. You are offering your attention with joy, regularity and structure.<\/p>\n

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Stop sending him to his room.<\/b>\u00a0If connection is the problem, distance doesn\u2019t provide any resolution. I know he is boiling your blood, but you need to find a way to say your \u201cno\u201d to TV once and then not speak about it again. Don\u2019t offer other choices (unless he seems genuinely open to them), don\u2019t ask him to stop whining, don\u2019t threaten him and don\u2019t reward him for stopping; just wait it out. I know what I am asking is difficult, but it is the fastest way to extinguish the whining. Again, this will work only if you are upping the special time, snuggling, laughing, playing and positive attention.<\/p>\n

Finally, do you need help?<\/b>\u00a0You are in a pretty intense period in parenting, and a mother\u2019s helper could be a godsend to you. Please zoom out, look at your most stressful hours and ask yourself: \u201cHow can I bring some ease to these scenarios?\u201d There are always support options. We mothers were never meant to go it alone.<\/p>\n

Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0I’m a stay-at-home mom of three kids (5, 4 and 2). I’m really struggling with my 4-year-old’s whining. He’s in preschool for three hours a day, four days a week, but when he’s home, he’s constantly whining about wanting to watch TV or wanting to play with someone. When my \u00ad5-year-old gets home from kindergarten, the \u00ad4-year-old will follow him […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":3958,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[1085,1082,584,1084,8,1083],"class_list":["post-4275","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-clinging-kids","tag-how-to-stop-whining","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-needy-kids","tag-parenting","tag-whining-kids"],"yoast_head":"\nMy 4-year-old won\u2019t stop whining, no matter what I do. What\u2019s the answer?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Q:\u00a0I'm a mom of three kids (5, 4 and 2). 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