{"id":4490,"date":"2019-07-03T12:12:18","date_gmt":"2019-07-03T16:12:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4490"},"modified":"2019-07-03T12:12:18","modified_gmt":"2019-07-03T16:12:18","slug":"a-confusing-co-parent-arrangement-a-baby-on-the-way-a-mom-at-her-limit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-confusing-co-parent-arrangement-a-baby-on-the-way-a-mom-at-her-limit\/","title":{"rendered":"A confusing custody arrangement, a baby on the way, a mom at her limit"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>I need help. My husband and his ex-wife have a pretty good co-parent relationship for their 8-year-old, thank goodness. But they drive me crazy. We have a toddler together, I am less than a month away from having another baby, and summer has hit. We live about five hours away from our son and his mom, so in my mind, it’s completely reasonable that there should be some kind of a plan regarding this summer with his visits. His dad and mom are more fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of people, and my frustration has started to overwhelm me. When I ask for plans regarding our son, I get nothing. My husband feels like it’s no big deal having no schedule for when he’ll be here, what he’ll do when he gets here, how long he’ll be here, whether we’re continuing regular visitation, or whether we’ll have him for large sums of time this summer. He just says, “I want him as much as possible since I don’t get him much during the school year.” Yes, I agree! I don’t care what the plan is, I just feel a drastic need for one. I feel like I’m more inflexible than normal because we’re about to add a baby to the mix, but the truth is, I’m a planner by nature. But I really don’t get a say in any of it. He and his ex make a decision, and I just get to live with it. If I complain, then I feel like I’m complaining about having him here, which isn’t the case at all. I’m just frustrated that there’s absolutely no consideration for anything ahead of time. But I can’t make them change their ways. It’s improved since the beginning of our relationship, but it’s particularly bad for me right now. Do I need a perspective change? Am I a jerk? Are they jerks? I’m so tired of this conversation. Please help and tell me if I just need an attitude adjustment.<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>I appreciate your candor in asking for help. There are numerous challenges here: a good, if unorganized, co-parenting relationship, a toddler and a new baby due at any moment. There seems to be a history of your spouse and his ex having a loosey-goosey custody agreement (neither good nor bad), but you also admit to more inflexibility because of your pregnancy and the stress that comes with that. Finally, you report having the same conversation over and over with no real change in the outcome, and your frustration is boiling over.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a lot. And to be honest, my mind is spinning with where to go first. Your marriage? Your husband\u2019s custody agreement with his ex? How the children are affected by these challenges? When my mind spins like this (as I am sure yours does), I ask myself an important and clarifying question: \u201cWhat are the needs of the situation?\u201d This simple question, though it won\u2019t fix everything, will bring your attention to the matters that truly need solutions right now.<\/p>\n

First, you need to get ready for this baby, and second, you need to develop a new communication plan with your spouse. Although I know pregnancy can cause extra stress, I also don\u2019t want to paint your feelings with the oft-used \u201chysteria\u201d brush \u2014 and you shouldn\u2019t either. You feel that your husband is not respectful of your need for a schedule, and, pregnant or not, your feelings are valid. You are going to have a newborn and a toddler to take care of; you have the right to know your schedule for at least the next three months. And speaking as a parent coach, the toddler and the 8-year-old are about to have their lives turned upside down with a new baby in the house, so a known routine and schedule can provide a great deal of security for them.<\/p>\n

To have the first need filled (getting ready for baby), you should first do what you need to do without creating a big discussion around it. Make a lengthy list; put all your worries and to-dos on there. Write down everything that pops into your head. Next, walk away from the list. Take the toddler outside, go for a swim, have a snack. Then, return to the list and circle the items that you can handle on your own. Aside from the stressed-out hormones, everyone feels panicky when we don\u2019t feel taken care of or when we don\u2019t feel as if we have any power (which is the root of your issue). Take back some power (that you never lost) and get stuff done. You will feel good.<\/p>\n

As you are crossing out tasks, call a meeting with your husband. Not a \u201cquick chat\u201d after dinner or when you are driving from A to B with the toddler in the back. Find a real time to sit down, pen and paper in front of you, and have a different type of meeting with him. I read a\u00a0blog post from the Gottman Institute<\/a>, an organization that does research-based assessments and interventions to strengthen marriages and families, that provides a great\u00a0template for communication, and you need it to break out of your communication ruts. Here is a quick summary of how to communicate better:<\/p>\n

1. \u201cSay what you want, not what you don\u2019t want.\u201d\u00a0<\/b>We can sometimes get in the habit of telling our partners what is unacceptable, what makes us unhappy or what we would like to stop. Accounting for what you don\u2019t want will not encourage change, nor will it further positive communication. Get out the calendar and point to the days you need scheduled. Be specific.<\/p>\n

2. \u201cRespond to statements with open-ended questions.\u201d\u00a0<\/b>Rather than saying to your spouse, \u201cYour inability to commit to a schedule is a major character flaw,\u201d you can ask, \u201cHow does creating this specific calendar make you feel?\u201d If you can understand how he feels, you may have a window into what is making him tick with the custody issues. All humans long to be understood, so practice using \u201cfeeling\u201d words.<\/p>\n

3. \u201cExpress gratitude and appreciation toward the spouse who is listening.\u201d\u00a0<\/b>As you specify your needs and talk about how you feel, thank him for understanding how important this is to you. If you are both in the habit of feeling resentful, showing appreciation can let some air out and serve as a wonderful reconnection tool.<\/p>\n

This form of communication will need to be used over and over to become effective, and it will also serve as a good measuring stick. If you and your spouse practice clear, empathic and appreciative communication and cannot make headway on the custody issue, I would suggest a good marriage therapist. Your life isn\u2019t becoming less complicated, so establishing respectful dialogue with your spouse is essential. This is neither about his ex nor his 8-year-old; this is about your communication with your husband. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0I need help. My husband and his ex-wife have a pretty good co-parent relationship for their 8-year-old, thank goodness. But they drive me crazy. We have a toddler together, I am less than a month away from having another baby, and summer has hit. We live about five hours away from our son and his mom, so in my mind, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4494,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,301],"tags":[1230,536,1128,584,172,1251,1250],"class_list":["post-4490","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-arenting","tag-co-parenting","tag-custody-agreement","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-stepmother","tag-visitation-rights","tag-visitation-rights-meta-namenews_keywords-contentparenting"],"yoast_head":"\nA confusing co-parent arrangement, a baby on the way, a mom at her limit<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My husband and his ex-wife have a good co-parent relationship, but they drive me crazy. 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