{"id":4511,"date":"2019-08-01T00:33:34","date_gmt":"2019-08-01T04:33:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4511"},"modified":"2019-08-01T00:33:34","modified_gmt":"2019-08-01T04:33:34","slug":"her-mother-has-a-terminal-illness-how-does-she-help-her-kids-cope","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/her-mother-has-a-terminal-illness-how-does-she-help-her-kids-cope\/","title":{"rendered":"Her mother has a terminal illness. How does she help her kids cope?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>I have two kids who are 2 and 3. My mom has been very involved in their lives, which has been wonderful for them. Now she has a terminal illness. She’s not as available to them, and she’s physically different and extremely fatigued. They are obviously aware something is wrong, and we’ve explained as best we can. I am also struggling, but I am making sure to ask for help when I am overwhelmed. The kids are fine most of the time, but sometimes we get bursts of tears, night waking or meltdowns, which are unusual in our family. We let them get all the feelings out, provide a lot of one-on-one time and try to keep things as consistent as possible. Is there anything else we can do to help with what we’re going through now and prepare them for when she’s no longer here?<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>I am so sorry, this is an extraordinarily hard ordeal. I cannot tell you why, but my first thought is that I want to switch every pronoun in your question from \u201cwe\u201d to \u201cI\u201d and \u201cme.\u201d Here\u2019s the thing: This is your mom with the terminal illness, and though your children are deeply attached to her, it is hard to compare their potential loss to yours.<\/p>\n

I am not necessarily sure this is your situation, but I often run into parents who have lost or are on the brink of losing a parent and are unconsciously transferring their fear, grief and worry onto their children. By all standards, the children are doing fine, but the parent insists on finding strategies, books or just the right thing to say to guarantee that the kids will be okay.<\/p>\n

Is there anything wrong with this transference? No, not really. A good parent doesn\u2019t want their children to suffer, and you want to help them now as well as after your mother is no longer here. That\u2019s a loving parent. But there\u2019s no fixing this scenario. There isn\u2019t a way to heal your mom, there isn\u2019t a way to change her appearance, there isn\u2019t a way to take away your children\u2019s fear or tears, and there isn\u2019t a way to predict what will happen when she\u2019s gone.<\/p>\n

What can you do? Well, 2- and 3-year-olds are blessed with a \u201chere and now\u201d mind-set. Your children are living in the present, and the permanence of death is not a concept they can yet fully grasp. I don\u2019t know how close to 4 your older child is, but they may begin to have death fears, and again, that is developmentally appropriate.<\/p>\n

\u201cTerminal disease\u201d doesn\u2019t really mean anything to your children, and so her changing body may be met with some confusion and fear. Don\u2019t burden the children with too many details; the important point that you continue to make is that you are okay and the children are safe. Welcome your children\u2019s worries and tears, and don\u2019t push the kids to visit, but also don\u2019t hide your mother. Play it by ear because, as you know, young children\u2019s emotions come and go.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

It is also important to remember that, because your children are too young to understand the details of what is happening to your mom, they are taking all of their cues from you, as well as other important adults in the house. As they say at the Parent Encouragement Program, \u201cchildren are keen observers and poor interpreters,\u201d so if you are distracted, depressed and angry, your children won\u2019t know it is the grief. These preschool ages are a myopic time of life. Young children assume your behavior is about them. I don\u2019t want to place undue pressure on your shoulders, but when I see children who are having sleep problems, stomach problems, and eating and toileting issues, I always ask how the parent is coping with this stress. All your emotions run downstream to your children.<\/p>\n

With that in mind, here are my ideas:<\/p>\n

Experience your own feelings of fear and loss with all the support you need. Children can handle an adult\u2019s big emotions; it all just needs to feel safe. Find friends or a support group that will give you the space you deserve to process your own feelings.<\/p>\n

Only answer the questions the children ask. Don\u2019t volunteer detail after detail. They cannot process it.<\/p>\n

Up the connection, and be ready for some neediness. Though this will be exhausting, get ready for your kids to become nervous, especially at night or other times of separation. It is a fine line of allowing them to attach to your leg and pushing them off, but try to increase the physical proximity to ease their nervous systems.<\/p>\n

Encourage joy and play. Your children\u2019s emotions ebb and flow, and young kids are still amazed by everyday life. Join them in this joy; it is incredibly healing and uplifting.<\/p>\n

Find a way for the children to still connect to their grandmother. Maybe they make drawings or sing (while you record it) or take funny pictures .\u2009.\u2009. there are other ways to send love.<\/p>\n

Remember that tears are nature\u2019s way of moving grief through the body. Children cry, so try to welcome the tears without too much interference.<\/p>\n

Plant a tree or special plant for your mother, and have the children water it. It can provide a nice time to touch on the grief without going too deep.<\/p>\n

When in doubt, go back to number one.<\/p>\n

Above all, have faith that you can handle this hard transition. Death is the one guarantee, and how you model grief leaves an indelible mark on your children. Don\u2019t be afraid to ask for love and help \u2014 humans need it. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post.<\/a><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0I have two kids who are 2 and 3. My mom has been very involved in their lives, which has been wonderful for them. Now she has a terminal illness. She’s not as available to them, and she’s physically different and extremely fatigued. They are obviously aware something is wrong, and we’ve explained as best we can. 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