{"id":4533,"date":"2019-09-11T10:51:40","date_gmt":"2019-09-11T14:51:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4533"},"modified":"2019-09-11T10:51:40","modified_gmt":"2019-09-11T14:51:40","slug":"how-to-navigate-your-relationship-with-your-teen-son","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-to-navigate-your-relationship-with-your-teen-son\/","title":{"rendered":"How to navigate your relationship with your teen son"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>My eldest started high school today, and I am struggling to figure out how to navigate our relationship. It’s always been strong and close, which I don’t think has changed, but he’s a big goober, and as he’s gotten older, we expect him to clean up after himself, occasionally use complete sentences, deign to take the AirPods out, etc. I need tips for how to relate to this 5-foot-10, 175-pound man-child in a way that isn’t full of exasperation (how is EVERY bath towel we own on his floor?). Thank you!<\/em><\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>I was walking with a mother of a 13-year-old boy the other day, and she said: \u201cHe is awkward everywhere he goes. He takes up so much space in every room, and he leaves a trail of mess behind him. He isn\u2019t sassy like my teen daughter, he\u2019s just .\u2009.\u2009. kind of rude.\u201d We laughed, sighed and went on our way. I then found myself remembering the young men I used to teach and counsel in middle and high school; how bungling yet wonderful it was. There were young men with mustaches and young men who looked about 8 years old. There were boys who had zits and boys who had baby faces. There were some who were elegant and graceful and some whose limbs seemed to have a mind of their own. Some were meticulous and orderly, and others could not find a single pencil in an overflowing backpack.<\/p>\n

No matter how they appeared to me, every young man felt physically awkward and emotionally unsure, full of potential and uncertainty.<\/p>\n

As a teacher and school counselor, connecting to each young man felt daunting, but if I didn\u2019t overthink it, the connections became apparent. Some boys liked shooting hoops, some boys liked doing crossword puzzles, some boys liked a job or a chore, and some boys liked talking sports and music. Almost every young man liked a stupid joke, especially if it was related to flatulence. And most avoided sustained eye contact and deep feelings, but if you waited long enough, they would emerge in some form or another.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n

As a parent, you have a distinct and layered experience with your son, but the idea of connecting is not all that different. Like\u00a0Gary Chapman<\/a>\u00a0famously writes about in his many books, every teen has a love language \u2014 you just need to figure out what clicks with your son. Are you going to be able to relate to him? Maybe or maybe not, but that doesn\u2019t mean you can\u2019t connect to him. It\u2019s a nuanced difference. Look at relating as the ability to identify with him (which could be difficult), and look at connecting with him as simply facilitating communication, rapport and a feeling of warmth from you. His interior world is complicated, so just find a way to get in there.<\/p>\n

Make a list of everything your son likes to do. Don\u2019t judge it, which is the death-knell of connection and teens, just make it. Sit back and ask, \u201cWhere can I fit in here?\u201d Your son loves to game? How can you challenge him in some gaming? Your son loves to listen to music? Get into the music he likes. Your son likes to binge Netflix shows? Watch some together. Does he love burgers? Make a list of burgers to test in your town. You can schedule this, or you can let it be more organic, but either way, you need to decide to get in there. And as annoyed and mortified as he may act, these parental efforts are noticed and appreciated by teens, so don\u2019t be dissuaded when he isn\u2019t thanking you for watching \u201cStranger Things\u201d with him. Play it cool.<\/p>\n

As for chores, you will notice that I put connection first in this response. Young people, especially teens, are less likely to be helpful if they are discouraged in their relationship with their parent. The fastest way to discourage a good relationship is to constantly nag and bother your teen to do tasks. That being said, it is absolutely appropriate to give him discrete chores and tie them to consequences (or rewards, if you wish). Will you have a young man who still leaves towels and trash around his room? Probably. But that doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t fight the good fight; it is worth it. Just don\u2019t allow the chores to upend your relationship. He doesn\u2019t need to be happy about the work, and you don\u2019t need to make him happy. Just proceed with your connection and the chores, chipping away at both, recalibrating when you need to. Your ability to hang in there is more important than finding the \u201cjust right way\u201d to be there.<\/p>\n

To understand more about your son\u2019s mind, I suggest reading\u00a0\u201cBrainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain\u201d\u00a0<\/a>by\u00a0Daniel Seigel<\/a>. I also suggest anything by\u00a0Michael Thompson<\/a>, who has been working in the field for over 35 years.\u00a0Michael Reichert<\/a>, author of\u00a0\u201cHow to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men<\/a>,\u201d is another one to consider. Good luck.<\/p>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post.<\/a><\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0My eldest started high school today, and I am struggling to figure out how to navigate our relationship. It’s always been strong and close, which I don’t think has changed, but he’s a big goober, and as he’s gotten older, we expect him to clean up after himself, occasionally use complete sentences, deign to take the AirPods out, etc. I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4534,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[1297,1300,755,1299,1298,584,1295,1296,585,8,592,591,750,764,593],"class_list":["post-4533","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-being-a-boy","tag-boy-mom","tag-dan-siegel","tag-good-men-project","tag-how-to-raise-a-boy","tag-meghan-leahy","tag-michael-reichert","tag-michael-thompson","tag-on-parenting","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-advice","tag-parenting-tips","tag-parenting-trends","tag-raising-boys","tag-washington-post-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to navigate your relationship with your teen son<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"How do I relate to my teen son, this 5-foot-10, 175-pound man-child, with less exasperation (how is EVERY bath towel we own on his floor?).\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-to-navigate-your-relationship-with-your-teen-son\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to navigate your relationship with your teen son\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"How do I relate to my teen son, this 5-foot-10, 175-pound man-child, with less exasperation (how is EVERY bath towel we own on his floor?).\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-to-navigate-your-relationship-with-your-teen-son\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-09-11T14:51:40+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/09\/shutterstock_325157576.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"4000\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"4000\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Meghan Leahy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-to-navigate-your-relationship-with-your-teen-son\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-to-navigate-your-relationship-with-your-teen-son\/\",\"name\":\"How to navigate your relationship with your teen son\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2019-09-11T14:51:40+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2019-09-11T14:51:40+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#\/schema\/person\/74ff7f6e6196b92bb9881fbaff25225d\"},\"description\":\"How do I relate to my teen son, this 5-foot-10, 175-pound man-child, with less exasperation (how is EVERY bath towel we own on his floor?).\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-to-navigate-your-relationship-with-your-teen-son\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-to-navigate-your-relationship-with-your-teen-son\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/how-to-navigate-your-relationship-with-your-teen-son\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"How to navigate your relationship with your teen son\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/\",\"name\":\"Meghan Leahy Parent Coach\",\"description\":\"Helping parents. 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