{"id":4555,"date":"2019-10-30T13:50:37","date_gmt":"2019-10-30T17:50:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mlparentcoach.com\/?p=4555"},"modified":"2019-10-30T13:50:37","modified_gmt":"2019-10-30T17:50:37","slug":"a-2-year-old-is-acting-like-a-2-year-old-but-for-this-parent-it-pushes-boundaries","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlparentcoach.com\/new\/washington-post\/a-2-year-old-is-acting-like-a-2-year-old-but-for-this-parent-it-pushes-boundaries\/","title":{"rendered":"A 2-year-old is acting like a 2-year old. But for this parent, it feels more complicated."},"content":{"rendered":"
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Q:\u00a0<\/b>Growing up, I had an older sister who loved to push boundaries. Tell her no, and she would take pleasure in doing the thing you told her not to. Her complete disregard for boundaries would cause me to blow up at her, she would be (genuinely?) surprised and hurt, and my parents would make me apologize. Although she doesn’t do it as much, she still has this tendency. My parents still write off her behavior as typical older sibling shenanigans. In college, I had a good therapist who told me to stop apologizing. Every time I apologized, I implied that I acted wrongly, and therefore my sister would take the opportunity to believe that she was the offended party. No more apologies won’t stop the behavior, but my response will make it clear that my sister’s behavior is unacceptable and my reaction needs to hurt her because she doesn’t adhere to traditional communication cues.<\/p>\n

Fast-forward to now. I have a \u00ad2-year-old son, and my husband and I are trying to draw boundaries with him. His latest habit is to pull at my clothes. Over the summer and now, I’ve told him in a variety of different tones to stop this behavior, and he will only do so in the short term. The other day, we were out in public, and my son started to pull my pants down, and, much like my sister, giggled with glee when I told him to stop. I grabbed him, left the store, and got very upset with him in the car. He cried. My husband wants me to apologize for my outburst, but I don’t want to. Perhaps I didn’t act the best, but I’m not sorry for standing up for myself and my personal boundaries, especially when I’m raising a son in the #MeToo era. My son needs to understand that he cannot touch whomever he wants, whenever he wants and take joy in other’s discomfort. Being 2 years old doesn’t excuse his behavior. Is it wrong to have my son hurt a little bit over this? If I don’t do SOMETHING, I worry he’s going to turn out like my sister.<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0<\/b>Thank you for writing. While your particular issue is quite specific, parents feeling triggered into remembering their own painful pasts by their children\u2019s behavior is extraordinarily common. I have spoken to hundreds and hundreds of parents, and I have yet to meet a parent who doesn\u2019t feel as though their buttons aren\u2019t pushed at some point with their children. In some ways, you are fortunate: You know exactly why you had such an outsize reaction to your son. You know that you felt bullied by your sister, and your parents didn\u2019t do enough to protect you (and maybe they still don\u2019t).<\/p>\n

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But while you know this, there is a huge disconnect between feeling bullied by your child and jumping to some of the conclusions you reached. So, let\u2019s unpack this a little.<\/p>\n

[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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First, while we all want to be sensitive to unwanted touches and teaching our children about them, it is utterly inappropriate to bring #MeToo or your crossed boundaries into what your son did. Pulling on your clothes probably began as a practical way to get your attention: Parent\u2019s eyes are really far up there and your pants are right in front of him. Because a 2-year-old is utterly impulsive, he grabbed your pants to get your attention; they are right there in his face. He didn\u2019t plan it, he isn\u2019t trying to assault you or disrespect your boundaries. Your pants were just there. The reason he keeps pulling them is because it works! He gets a reaction from you. As soon as you speak to him about not pulling, all that registers for him is, \u201cMy parent is looking at me!\u201d His little brain is firing and wiring, and the little neural pathway says, \u201cWhen I pull mom\u2019s pants, she pays attention to me.\u201d Does it matter that this attention is negative? No, not really. For a young child, attention is attention .\u2009.\u2009. that\u2019s how basic the need is. So, when you say, \u201cBeing 2 years old doesn\u2019t excuse his behavior,\u201d you are incorrect. It completely explains and excuses his behavior. You are placing blame and maturity on his shoulders that is simply counterfactual and worse, it is unkind and uncharitable. This isn\u2019t about apologizing to him or not; this is about assigning blame to the wrong person.<\/p>\n

Do I think you are a bad person or a sub-par parent? No. That you are doubling down in blaming your son for your reactions shows me how much pain you are in, and that your past is very much with you, right here and right now. Feeling victimized by your 2-year-old means you have some emotional work to do, and guess what? Join the parenting club. All of us are facing some uncomfortable truths and stories, but passing on our neuroses to our children is not the way forward here.<\/p>\n

If I sound like I am being tough on you, it\u2019s because I need you to see how you have played the victim role in your life. Your sister has victimized you, your parents have turned their backs on you, and now you are treating your 2-year-old as if he is a latent abuser, also victimizing you. You have the power to stop this, to put your past into context, and to move toward understanding that your son is simply a small boy who wanted his mother\u2019s attention. No more, no less.<\/p>\n

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I strongly recommend that you get yourself back into therapy. I see therapy as not a \u201cone and done\u201d kind of thing. I see therapy as something that people can go in and out of, as needed. And as a new mother, your son is provoking feelings in you that need to be unpacked. There is no shame in this, and it isn\u2019t as though therapy failed the first time around, but understanding your pain as a sister and daughter is quite different from understanding it as a mother.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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As for your son, as soon as he pulls on your pants, either drop directly to eye level or pick him up and bring him to yours. As he and his language matures, he will be able to verbalize his needs. But this is years off, so you need more tools in your toolbox, stat. I suggest parenting classes (like\u00a0PEP, if you are in the D.C. area<\/a>) so that you can see how typical his behavior is, and find some solace in this fact.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

Good luck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Find this over on The Washington Post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting support? Click here.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

 <\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Q:\u00a0Growing up, I had an older sister who loved to push boundaries. Tell her no, and she would take pleasure in doing the thing you told her not to. Her complete disregard for boundaries would cause me to blow up at her, she would be (genuinely?) surprised and hurt, and my parents would make me apologize. Although she doesn’t do […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":4556,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[125,27,301],"tags":[1319,671,163,283,822,1321,187,566,1320],"class_list":["post-4555","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-behavior","category-parenting","category-washington-post","tag-metoo","tag-2-year-old","tag-boundaries","tag-communication","tag-mother-therapy","tag-pulling-clothes","tag-therapy","tag-toddler","tag-triggers"],"yoast_head":"\nFor this parent, a 2-year-old's boundary pushing feels more complicated.<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Q:\u00a0Growing up, I had an older sister who loved to push boundaries. 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